Two Days till Christmas

Or two sleeps till Christmas as my girl Moos Mamma say. I like how she puts it. Makes it sound more...I don't know exactly, just better. Right now, I'm on VACATION!!! Vacation from work and a break from school, YAY!! I so needed this time. Spawn and I are going to spend all next week together.

There hasn't been too much going on. Things with DiNozzo are amazing. He and Spawn get along and that is awesome. Things are fairly quite from the Empire, aside from not paying his child support. I guess because Spawn won't talk to him when he bother's to call he feels that he shouldn't obey a court order. Here's hoping that changes soon.

So here we are racing toward Christmas, all the cookies are baked, all the presents are almost bought and despite everything it's going to be an amazing Christmas. I get to spend it with my closest friends and family, my spawn and my sweetie.

What happened to Nov

Okay so as mentioned in the previous post, I did type a post in Nov and I really did think that I posted it. Um, yeah well that was about the time that all hell broke loose in mine and spawn's life so (shrugs) things happen.

Sometimes we look at things we go through and situations we're in and we mentally divorce ourselves from them. We're there but not really there. I had one of those hell bent, OMFG please tell me this is not happening in my life moments last month. As many of you that read this blog, and many of you that I read as well, know dealing with what we deal with on a daily basis with our children that have mental illness is in a word difficult. There is always the constant struggle to make sure that they are receiving the right services, the right care, the right everything. The keeping of ones temper when they are suddenly in a manic phase, the temper tantrums, the struggling to parent and get through to them when it seems like you can't reach them at all.

And I play both mom and dad. Thank god for my friends and my roomies that are wonderfully supportive, my boyfriend too. Coming into a situation like this is never easy, hell dating as a single parent is hard enough, when you add all this on top of it it's damn near impossible. But I digress, Okay here goes, Spawn had a bad med reaction and her first hospitalization, she was inpatient for almost a week. I think the hardest thing for me to come to grips with besides the fact that it was needed, was I work there.  Her meds are more stable now and while things are not perfect, they are at least better.

As I mentioned in previous posts, I had to go to court last month as well due to Vader not paying his child support. Well to make a long story short, he didn't show up, reported that he lived and worked in the state and then requested a phone conference for the hearing because of working out of state. The hearing officer was less then pleased. So if he gets caught doing anything then he will be arrested and there is a $1000 purge or 60 days in jail. He's called a few times however I am still under advisement from her therapist not to respond due to her reaction the last time and the fact that she gets angry every time he's mentioned. I offer her the chance to return his call. So far she hasn't taken it. I'm sure you're wondering why I just don't try to talk to him about all this. Well, he doesn't think I'm worth talking to, so I don't think he's worth picking up the phone for.

In other news, the show I was in went wonderfully. B and I are still doing good, it will be two months soon. I'm enjoying it and I believe he is too. He is greatly supportive and I needed that right now. Work is still insane, but well, that is to be expected.

So in the mean time, I'm going to keep hoping that Spawn's meds work, hope that Vader pays even a little of the support, hell I'd take just enough to pay for her dance lessons for a month, or even a week of day care. Something, anything to help. Between the meds, the dr's and the therapy co-pays I am getting eaten alive. According to the court order he's supposed to pay half of the co-pays for any visits. I haven't even bothered to ask since he won't pay anything toward the monthly that is due, I know  he wouldn't pay anything toward those.

Well onward to the holidays and I will not go so long in between posts.

Hell Week and everything that went with it....

Note: this post is way late due to complications in the month of Nov. I thought I hit post and didn't, so here is the post that should have happened on Nov 13.

So this week has been hell week. Basically what that means is that the show I'm in, Over the River and Through the Woods opened last night. So we've been running tech all week and wow...boy do I mean wow...anyone who has done community theater knows what I mean by that.

In other news, also this week I had a total of 3 external audits at work with one to get ready for and a holiday in the middle of the week for Veteran's Day (which also happens to be my birthday and dress rehearsal for our show) I'm not really sure I could have packed more into one week.

I've been under so much stress lately. With school, work, the show, continuing issues with Harmony...one of the few things that is going well right now is my relationship with DiNozzo. During the run of the show, actually in two days we'll make one month. I'm so proud of us. Well more as it happens.

So it's the end of the week...

So here we are...Friday....Oh Praise the Flying Spaghetti Monster and all his noodlely appendages. I so needed Friday to happen...Just the idea of Friday is a great comfort to me.

So this week has been less then thrilling in a good way. The BF (whom I {with help}have decided reminds me of DiNozzo from NCIS and henceforth shall be named so) will hopefully be sprung from the place of medical entrapment tomorrow.  That will be one less thing to worry about. I dislike it when people I care about are ill. It bothers me.

So in other news, tonight I get to see my boys from NY. M has been on of my close friends for, oh hell I can't even remember how long. We met a million years ago when he worked at the bowling alley and I bowled in a league every Friday night. His second or so night, he was stuck with the league I was on (which was a tough league to deal with) so we met and became friends. He's getting married to his BF, R, in June which I will be making a journey north for. For old times sake, we're going bowling tonight. Should be fun. Who knows...but time with them is always fun.

Tomorrow night, a Halloween party....we'll see what trouble I can not get into then.

Till then, Ciao Luvs

Well..um...

Okay so I'm not sure what in the name of Zen happened. I think my life blew up....

There are problems with Spawn at school....every day I get a call to the school. It's so bad that the front office staff and I have a running joke about how long it's going to take me to leave my job and go to work there. None of the doctors can figure out what is really going on with her. I really hope that one day I can look back on this time and just be glad that we got through it.

We go back to court on Nov 17th for the child support. Vader is in contempt since he hasn't paid in 4 months and hasn't been in contact with them.

Things are going well with the new BF...I haven't figured out a name for him on here yet...I'm open to suggestions though as I do need to refer to him as something. He's been in the hospital this week. What a way to start a new relationship, "here go through a major illness with me and see if you can handle it" Got to love those unexpected things. But I'm crazy about him so, we'll see.

Other then that, work is crazy (see blog name for my take on that) and school is, well, I finished a semester and started a new one. Not including the semester I am in, I have two more classes. I'm almost there finally!!!!! I am 8 weeks till Christmas break and damn do I need it, I'm in the 3rd semester of a 3 semester haul....those are hard with a full time job and kid.

Well off to work with me, thanks for reading all. It means more to me then you'll ever know.

Just when you don't expect it...

Just when you don't expect it you get smacked with whatever the Fates think is funny to throw in your path. Right now for me, that happens to be a new person in my life. They (The Fates) know damn good and well that I don't have time for this right now with school, work, Spawn, Spawn's dance class, my re-commitment to theater, etc. However, Fate seemed to not only have a sense of humor about all of this, they got help from my friends.

Now it really is true that you do get by with a little help from your friends (Thank you Ringo) In this case my friends pushed me into something that I love and in turn I met someone that I think I will love, already do love, am completely swept away by. Well hell, he makes me giddy and I don't do giddy.

The coolest part about this entire thing is that we sync, there are a lot of times where he will say exactly what I am thinking. He says that I do the same thing to him. So right now, we're all bright and shiny. I'll post an updates as this goes on. So far I can say that the first 3 weeks have been wonderful. I can't wait to see what happens next.

Oh for Goodness Sakes

Where in the name of Zen has the time gone?? Well I can tell you for one, I wish like hell it has been Zen but on the flip side things are starting to get a little better. Okay here is the less then a thousand words (I hope) update on what has been going on since we last talked.

Work: Let me just say this about working in mental health, it gives you a different outlook on life and the people that you encounter on a daily basis. You really do start to think of people as various degrees of crazy and judge then on their need for services. I do this all the time try not to do all the time, but sometimes it doesn't work. We're in the middle of a big shift at work and it's taking all of the spare brain cells that I have to deal with it.

School: Me-I have now applied for graduation. We're that close folks. YAY!!!!
Spawn-She is doing well, her progress report was A's & B's we'll be getting the report card soon so I'll update then. The behavioral issues that were present at the beginning of the year have calmed down some and things seem to be evening out.

General Life: Well, Spawn is going to dance and doing REALLY well at it. I'm so proud of my boo with with this. She had been asking for years to take lessons but now that I have taken the plunge and put her in I am determined to find a way to keep her there as long as she wants to keep doing it. As for me, I have gone back to the community theater. I've returned to the board of directors and I'm currently cast in the next show opening in Nov. As far as a personal life, things are looking up a little bit, I've met someone that I wasn't expecting and he's wonderful. I don't want to say too much about it yet because it's still bright and shiny, and I don't want to jinx it.

So that's it, I'm going to not go as long in between posts.

The Evil that Men Do....

Here we are at Sept 11 again. There was a time when this date meant nothing to the country, to the world. It was not a symbol. At best in my little corner of the Universe it was one of my friend's birthday. In 2001 someone made the decision that needed to change and like several other dates before it, Sept 11 is now burned into our minds.

When the towers fell so did more then just two buildings. For those of us that were watchings, that remember, will never forget what we were doing. I've often heard of people talk of when JFK was shot and what they were doing when they heard the news when he died or when the Space Shuttle Challenger exploded. I was only a child but I still remember being home sick from school and watching the launch on TV and seeing the shuttle blow up.

Sept 11, 2001 was completely normal. I was heading out to audit at one of our facilities in another city. During the 45 min drive I was listening to the local morning show banter when it changed. One of the hosts went silent, then started talking about "it looked like something out of a movie, but it was real" I had missed exactly what they were talking about. It wasn't until I got to my destination that I found out exactly what I had been listening to. Then it really hit me, one of my best friends had called me from the City the day before and said something about WTC, there was no getting through on the phones though. Later when the second tower fell I called my then boyfriend Vader to tell him what was happening, He had worked the night shift the day before and was sleeping most of the day. Because I was pregnant with Spawn at the time we sat there when I got home from work and watched the news footage. I recall asking him what kind of world we were bringing our child into.

Now all these years later, I'm still not sure

3rd Grade and other updates

Oh wow, time is flying again. I didn't realize that it had been so long since I had posted. Gosh where do I start.

Um, I'll start with me: I passed my class from hell class that I was having so much trouble with and have started the next semester. I've also applied for graduation. I just have to pass all of my classes between now and May and I'm home free. Work has been crazy, but then that is to be expected. We have about a month to the go live date of our billing consul. I'm not sure we're going to make it but we're trying like hell to.

I've been going through some other things, big things. One of my friends offered this prayer "Balsamic Moon banish all of who and what does not belong to accomodate who and what needs to stay" It says so much about where I am right now and how I feel. I've said before that friendship is not a spectator sport. Since football season has started I'll use a sports analogy, either get your ass in the game and play or I'll trade you to another team. I don't have time for people that just want to sit on the bench or pull me into their game but not play defense for me in mine.

Okay Spawn update: We met her teachers the week before school. School started on Aug 23. I was hopeful that this year was going to start out well. Friday I had to meet with her teachers, counselors and the assistant principle to work on a behavioral plan to deal with the potty issue. So far the behavior part is going well but now that I've said that...eh you know how it goes. We went to the medical doctor on Friday too. It's odd that I have to qualify that but as most of you that read this blog know, we have many different kinds of doctors. They have now done many tests searching still for the cause of the pooping. Blood tests, allergy tests, UA's and testing the poop even. Friday was an eventful day, but we should have the results back sometime this week. Along with the first week of school she also started dance lessons, that seems to be the only place she's doing well in. I hope that it keeps up that way.

Vader update: He's a wonderful 3 months behind and I just found out this past week that my insurance is going up $50/payperiod which equals $100/month. wonderful huh.

Well that is the update for now, I'm going to try to keep updated a little more. Ciao for now.

Random update

Wow I looked up and realized that it's been a couple of weeks since I posted. Time got away from me again. Here we are in the middle of Aug. Where in the hell has over half of the year gone? Spawn starts school in a week, she should be starting dance classes too. I expect that I will be receiving my schedule for that this week some time. We go to meet her new teacher on Thurs. and I get to go through the explaining all over again as to what the issues are and what needs to be done about them. Same school, new grade....I want to just direct them to the last year's teacher and tell them that she can explain it but (le sigh) I will do my mom thing. I think we'll bring it up with the therapist on Tues.

I have two weeks left in the class from hell. I'm still failing ever test, I get the assignments but when it comes to the tests I just get lost. It's the damn word problems. I just get confused by them. I wish they would give us the information in a real world format. It seems like school never really does that. Well in two weeks we're on to the next one.

I'll update on Thurs after we meet the new teacher. 3rd grade here we come.

"Revenge, at first though sweet, Bitter ere long back on itself recoils." ~John Milton

School starts for Spawn in about a month. Scary that time has gone by so quickly. At the beginning of next week Vader would have been a amazing 3 month's behind on the new order (it's due on the 1st). However, he maned up and sent 1(one) month of support. My only thought on that was "Well it didn't take long now did it?"  They (the State) are in process of suspending his drivers licence, oh joy! That was supposed to take place this month and I am assuming that is the reason that I received any money at all. I wonder if he thinks he's okay now, I mean he still is two months behind and I wonder what happens when he doesn't pay again.

Vader happened to make one of his rare phone calls the day the check arrived as well. He made the order request that I am to force ask Spawn to tell him herself that she doesn't want to talk to him. Oh and he has nothing to say to me because I am not worth talking to. He wonders why I don't go out of my way to try to talk to him. He thinks that if he acts like a complete azzhat tries to convince me that I am the problem that I will want to talk to him.

Not sure he's ever going to learn...I did tell him that I was not going to force Spawn to talk to him and that he needed to okay his plans with me FIRST, not tell Spawn about them first and inform me of them after. It's a respect thing, he has none for me and I have none for him because he has none for me. My favorite comment of the entire call was "Well I was in Fl the last time I called and was going to try to see her but she didn't want to talk to me." Of course he never said anything to me about being in town or that being his intention so I could have tried to help him out with seeing her.

I'm sure that I'm going to have many more conversations like this. It just makes me appreciate my friends that are amazing dad's even more. (Le Sigh) I know they are ex's for a reason but damn this is one of those times where I am looking at it and asking myself "WTF was I thinking?" If it wasn't for Spawn, there would be nothing good out of knowing him.

MBA Update

When last I wrote I was in serious distress. I was failing my class. That sort of thing does not come easy to me. In fact, it's never happened before. Usually I say that there is a first time for everything, but not this time. I don't have the ability or the luxury  to allow for this to be the first time.

With so much riding on this, I emailed my teacher. Hoping, praying, almost begging that there was something that could be done to keep me from failing. She gave me a few suggestions, reminded me that I had several assignments that were not graded yet and thought that I would do okay if I was able to get the assignments in on time (I was late on two in the last couple of weeks)

So as of right now I'm not failing. I am going to press on through the next 4 weeks and get this class over with and hope for a C at least. Thanks to everyone for the positive thoughts.

To MBA or to not MBA, that seems to be the question

I currently have the crazy ass schedule of working full time, being a single mom without the every other weekend clause and going to school full time working on my MBA. Yes folks, you read that right, there is NO break in Jay-Lee's life. Once upon a time (all fairy tales start that way) I did have the every other weekend deal, but I think I lost that somewhere while I was working on my BA. Eh, Sith Lords, what can you do with them, right?

Back to the school thing, lately I have been having the most humbling experience of (gasp) failing. This is a completely new concept for me. Not that I haven't failed at things before, because I have....PLENTY. But those were usually relationship based. School, not so much. Right now I'm wondering if I should be doing this. I want to drop out. Here I am, 6 classes from finishing and I want to stop. Sounds crazy....well maybe I am.

I know I'm tired. I broke down the other night when I was up at 0130 and still not done with the homework I had been struggling with since 1600 that afternoon. I just don't know if I have another 6 classes left in me with everything else going on.

Right now I'm crossing my fingers that I don't fail this week's test too. If I do I'm going to have to drop the class, a first for me. It will mess up a great many things including graduation. I've never not been able to pull the rabbit out of my hat, this time I think the rabbit has run away...I guess we'll see what happens.

When you have to say goodbye...

I work in the middle of a downtown. It's not a big downtown but it is a historic one. We're in the middle of the middle of Florida, if that makes any sense, close to the Mouse and his castle, near Mr Potter and is world of wizards, close enough to the world's most famous beach to go and far enough away that when the race fans, the bikers and the spring breakers roll in we don't have to be in the middle of it unless we want to.

Our downtown is like any other small town, there are a few shops, a cafe or two, a hair salon or three. Even a dive shop. Those of us that call it home 40+ hours a week have our favorite places. You all know the ones, where you can walk in not have to order because they know what you want.

Tomorrow I have to say goodbye to mine because they have to close their doors. No longer will my daily half and half tea be just across the street. For the last 3 years, I was able to call up and say "Hey, it's Jay-Lee, I'll have the usual and a half and half." and it would be ready by the time I walked over.

I'm going to miss them greatly...there will always be other places to get tea, there will never be another place like that though. They took the time to know their regular people, to know what was going on and share a piece of themselves. We're still hoping that someone might buy the place and keep the staff on, I love the owners and hate to see them leave. Our downtown won't be the same without them.

Blah

I'm feeling kind of blah today. I can't really explain why. I would guess it has something to do with the fact that I'm broke, that Vader hasn't paid his child support in two months, that Spawn's therapy and medication are taking every available dollar in my already stretched budget. Maybe that I can't take any time off or that the "Jerky Absent Father of the Year" Award would defiantly go to Vader. I feel like all I do anymore is go to work, run to therapy, do homework and attempt to deal with the melt downs.

I was "talking" to someone. I let myself believe that maybe there was a chance at something. There is always a undercurrent, there was that something, ya know.  Apparently, I'm too valuable as a friend for that chance to be taken. Now I value my friends greatly, but I always seem to end up here. I'm the best damn non-girlfriend ever. I always end up as the best friend and getting told that "I love you, but just as a friend." or "I just don't want to risk our friendship by trying to date." or my absolute favorite "You're a great friend but I just didn't fall in love with you."

So now I'm stuck in the house with Spawn, who wants to go to the pool, but she's grounded from it so I'm grounded from it too. Completely depressed and wondering why in the hell can't anyone decide that if I'm good enough to want to sleep with then dammit I'm good enough to want to date too.

I suppose that I should just give up on the dream that I will find someone that wants to be with me and be part of my life and let me be part of theirs. I mean really, what do I need that for? I have friends, I have work and school and....oh hell, I'm lonely and I'm tired and I'm just flat worn out from the fight every day of dealing with the constant battle with Spawn over even the little things. I keep hoping one day that crap hits the fan I won't be the only one standing here trying to hold it all together, but I always am.

Therapy, Try it weekly, it's good for you.

As I said in my mini-update last night, we had therapy today. It was however, not the family session that I thought it was going to be. Spawn has the choice if I go into session with her. She chose no this time but did give Ms Therapist permission to tell me what they talked about. This in itself is progress. I really like Ms Therapist. She can tell when Spawn is feeling her a total line of BS and calls her on it. Spawn however hates that part. Something in the last couple of weeks however has seemed to make a difference. I don't know if it was the summer dance classes and the knowledge that she is going to dance in the fall, if it was the removal of the Intuniv and it's side effect with her of increased aggression, if it was the fact that we got two weeks alone together while my roomies were away. If it was all of those things combined. Whatever it was, she had a good session today.

Ms Therapist started out by asking if all of us were going to have session, when Spawn said no, she said "Okay then I need to talk to Mom first" Usually this starts a melt down. Spawn does not like hates when we talk without her. It usually results in her screaming like a banshee having a major melt down. Today, she said "Okay Ms Therapist." and sat back down. When we came back 10 minutes later she was sitting in the same place, waiting like a good child. I was so very proud. I know a few of you that read this will understand the Mom Moment I had. Then she went in and they did their thing. I read a chapter in my homework on financial statements (exciting right?)

Our assignment this week is to use feeling words instead of becoming the child from hell having a melt down. Most weeks we have at least one melt down right after therapy, today however, Spawn said "Mom, I'm very frustrated that we can't go to Friendly's for ice cream today." (sigh) I was so proud. More on this as we progress.

Therapy mini update

We have therapy once a week now for the next two months possibly longer, her therapist is also incorporating some family sessions with the both of us in so tomorrow is our first of those. I will update everyone after the session. I'm trying not to be too hopeful since tonight was a bit rough. Here's to a good session tomorrow.

What a week...

I realized tonight that I had not posted in almost a week. We had a good 4th of July with friends. It was calm until Vader called, oddly enough right after one of Darth Vader's scenes on Star Wars (there was a marathon on and we were watching it) Spawn refused to talk to him because he never called her back on Father's Day. His lie excuse for not talking to her that day was that he called and got my voice mail and didn't leave a message. Since my phone didn't have any missed calls (shrugs) you know. For this I get called names and he acts like I am intentionally bad mouthing him to her, not realizing that it's his own actions that are doing him in.

We're also going on 2 months that he hasn't paid his child support. Now we have just gone to court in April so this didn't take very long. I think Tues is the deadline of had had to pay by or he looses his license. I'm so glad that he is under the opinion that I just want his money to get my nails done. Spawn has therapy once a week and it's not cheap. Neither is all the expenses with school starting next month.

A new semester just started this week, that along with work has me a little overwhelmed. I know these last 5 semesters are going to be harder but I'm going to get there. Next may will be here before I know it.

Spawn is starting dance lessons in Aug. We're going to have fun with this and hopefully it will help her with some of the issues that she's been having. We're all hopeful. Her therapist seems to think that this is a good idea.

There will be more about dance and the start of 3rd grade as we get closer and more about this semester too. Till then...lets see what tomorrow brings.

You might be depressed if....

One of my friends emailed me today with the following question: "Is crying for no reason a sign of depression?" My answer to him was "Usually, yes." What I didn't say was there is no such thing as crying for no reason. There is always a reason for tears. You may not know what they are, you may not be ready to admit them to yourself but there is always a reason. I've been down that road so many times I can't even count. I went down that road tonight after that email, knowing that there is not much I can do to help my friend except be there when he needs me, and my heart breaking at the same time because of that very fact. I would love nothing more then to just fix things for him. I care about him more then I should.

I've been where he is, on the verge, sinking into depression due to what is going on around you. Wondering if you should reach out to the people in your life, and if you do, how much you can lean on them. Knowing that they, like you have their own things going on, hesitating to add your issues to theirs. I have found however that is what your friends are there for. Your real friends are the ones that will help you along regardless of what is going on with them because they know that when you are through your deal, you will be right there for them. Those are the friends that make the move from just friends to extended family.

I'm blessed with my extended family. Through them I have learned to be a better person and a better friend. I hope that those lessons will serve me well now when someone I care about needs me. I know that he knows I'm here for him. I just hope he's able to reach out.

Sometimes it just doesn't work no mater how hard you try

Family is a strange thing. You have the family you are born with and the one you pick up along the way. If you're really lucky you're close to both. People who have siblings that they don't get along with will understand this. I have/had a sister, who is 12 years younger then I am. She has some issues (like she's BiPolar and decided that she isn't and doesn't need meds for it so she won't take them) she has a complex that whatever has been done to her, no matter how long ago, regardless of the circumstances, should be help against you life. Oh, and she hates my daughter and treats her like shit.

She also doesn't understand why I don't think any of these things are acceptable. She comes to my house not to be included in activity but to just  be there and speak down to people in a condescending tone. If you ask a question nothing is ever good enough or meets her standards. If my daughter tries to engage her Aunt in conversation about a mutually shared interest (they play the same video games) she snaps at her and makes Spawn feel like crap for even asking a question. I've kicked her out of my house several times over the past few years and have always tried again for my mom's sake, the burden always laying with me, my sister refusing to meet me half way.

Yesterday, things snapped. We had been keeping our distance. But I invited my mom over and she asked to bring her. My only request was that she be polite, apparently that was too much. It ended as it always does, only so much worse. I threw her out of the house, told her she didn't have a sister any more and told my mom not to bring her back.

Here's the kicker, Mom wasn't supposed to bring her yesterday to begin with. But my 21 year old sister didn't want to stay home by herself.

This split has been a long time coming. Now that it's finally here I'm sad. Spawn can no longer go to her grandma's house because of it. I don't know if I get to spend anymore holiday's with my mom. I am more grateful then ever for my extended family (my best friends) and my sister, well she will tell herself and the rest of our family that this was my fault and I guess I'll just have to take responsibility for it because she won't take her part.

"To find a man's true character, play golf with him." ~P.G. Wodehouse

This quote caught my attention this morning. Partly because I live in Florida and well there is golf here. Where I live in Florida there is a lot of golf. I can see where he would get that idea from. Now I don't know who P.G. Wodehouse is and I didn't take the time to Google him this morning, just stating that upfront. For all I know he could have been a golfer. But the thing that went through my mind when I read that quote was "To find a man's true character, see him with children, either his own or someone else's." Now that one is mine, at least I've never heard it before 5 minutes ago when I thought of it and felt I had to type this blog post before work.

A perfect example is my friend D. He is one of Spawn's Godfathers. Now he has no kids of his own, but D has that never ending patience with those under the age of "damn you're stupid" that makes him just amazing. I've already spoken about my roomie P and my friend M both of whom are amazing dads. P has a way with Spawn sometimes that can get through to her when I can't, I tell him it's because he's not her parent but it's just because he has that dad thing going and she doesn't really have that with her own so she does respond to the strong ones around her. M is just the Pied Piper when it comes to kids, I'm always in awe of him for that.

Children can bring out the best and the worst in us. I am always amazed at how Spawn can push every single button I have 50 times over then push them all again with in an hour. Then be a complete angel. But I guess that is just kids. Even with everything going on and all the worry and the stress I still wouldn't trade her for anything. I guess that is the mark of a true parent, no matter how bad it gets and how stressed you are and all the hell the ex puts you through, if given the chance to do it again, you would.

Spawn was, is and always will be the best and only good thing that came out of the relationship Vader and I had. And given the choice, for her, I would do it again.

The things that we wish we could say

Moosmommy has a wonderful post that details exactly what I feel about work right now.

Go check her out.

The State of Florida doesn't play

So I don't know how many of you out there in blog land that actually read my blog have to deal with child support. Let me tell you that it's a complete bitch. There is no other term for it. The entire process once I got off my butt and stopped being nice took months (like from Aug to April) I mean really, we had a private agreement, all he had to do was stick to it but for some reason this was harder after he married the person he left me for, 5 years later.

Yes that is correct folks, Vader left while I was pregnant with Spawn and eventually married that person. Now that part is okay, it's not like he and I would have stayed together anyway. I'm glad that he found love and is reasonably happy with his relationship. He came to me when he got engaged and told me that he hadn't done it sooner because he was afraid I would stop him from seeing Spawn. I hadn't realized I had that kind of power in his life but okay. Within 6 months after his wedding, he took care of it himself. He stopped taking her on his weekends "because of work" since he was going to be out of town a lot. We haven't seen much of him since and right now I have no clue where he is.

Back to the child support, right before his wedding the problems paying started. I got the wedding excuse. That he would get caught up. Now it's not like I was getting a massive amount of money each month. It was barely enough to pay a couple weeks of daycare. Well I gave him a chance. When he got about 4 grand behind I had enough and put it through the State.

For that I got cursed out and Spawn and I didn't hear from him for 4 months (at that time she hadn't seen him for 3) So flash forward, we went to court in April, he was supposed to start paying in May and to my surprise he did. I was shocked and thought maybe this would be a turn around. Spawn has high dollar needs like therapy and such, the money would have come in handy. Alas, that one payment was all we have seen so far. I checked with the State, they have sent him the notice of "Hey, we need to know where you work." which is odd since he said in court he had a job. Then the notice of "Hey your late." that was almost a month ago. I found out on the 17th that they sent the "You have 20 days to get caught up or we suspend your DL." He has about 10 days left on that and I couldn't even tell you what state he was in to warn him. Spawn tested him on Father's Day and there is still no answer.

Now, if you ask Vader, he'll tell you that he has no money, that he's doing the best he can, that I'm only after the money. Well yeah, that's all he's good for anymore. He doesn't give anything to me except a headache and  part of the issues that Spawn is having can be traced back to him and his inconsistence in her life.

The only reason it hurts me anymore it because it hurts Spawn. When she tells me that she doesn't want to call him because he's mean it makes my heart break a little more. But we'll get through it. And I'm hoping that he does the right thing....or face the consequences.

When people say "I'll be there."

It's amazing you know. People say all the time "I'll be there for you." They have every intention of really being there but sometimes your life is just a little too intense or a little too crazy or they have their own stuff and they can't handle yours too. I have that going on right now.

I have a situation. One that I just don't know what to do with. Concerning my spawn. I know that other mom's that I read have similar issues with their children and working where I do I am no stranger to the hard decisions that parents have to make when it comes to the care of their children. I never EVER thought that I would end up in the position to have to make the decision about my own. Due to her behavior I now have to decide what the best course of treatment is. To continue with out patient and medication therapy or to make the move to a inpatient setting. As I watch the situation get worse I know that there is really no choice. When it comes to what is best for Spawn I know what has to be done, the question is when.

Father's Day

Wow, another Father's Day. First let me start by sending a wish up to my Dad. He could be a complete jerk and we didn't see eye to eye hardly ever from the time I became a teenager until my daughter was born, but he was an amazing Grandpa. Some of the best memories I have of him now are with Spawn.

Speaking of my Spawn, wow what a day today was. She did not want to speak to Vader so we texted him. He couldn't be bothered to answer I guess. When I asked her why she didn't want to call him all she would say is that she didn't want to talk to him because he's mean. Since I can count on one hand the number of times she's seen him this year I didn't push her to call him, she was off the chain enough today without the extra drama of talking to him.

If I didn't have examples of good fathers around me I would be hard pressed to believe they exist. Lucky for me and for Spawn we have some awesome examples. Spawn decided to acknowledge 3 people today for Father's Day, Vader (because she felt she had to), My roomie P because well it's Uncle P and my friend M who like me is a single parent. The last one surprised me but I guess it shouldn't, he's one of those parents. So is P for that matter. They both remind me of that Will Smith line in Men in Black when he puts on the suit and the shades and says "I make this look good." That's both of them. They make it look easy. Now in reality I know it's not easy for either of them and I'm glad to count them among my friends for both mine and Spawn's sake.

So now the day is at a close, and tomorrow is a new day. The start of a new week, hopefully a better one. We have dance and therapy and we'll see what happens. Hopefully not a melt down at therapy again since we have dance after. All I can do now is hope.

"INCONCEIVABLE....You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means." The Princess Bride

The Princess Bride had a whole host of amazing quotes, the one above is just one of them. One of my favorites actually. I think that it fits with everything that has been going on since last week.  We changed Spawn's meds. She is now officially off of the morning med and so far it seems to have made a difference. She hasn't told me that she hates me in about 4 days.

We're still waiting on the psych eval to come back so we can even find out what the new recommendations are. Right now I have her only on one med and she started dance yesterday so that is occupying her mind. She's being wanting to take dance lessons for years so now that we finally can it's starting out to be a good thing.

So to the title of the blog, that one came to mind today because of some things that are going on with my life right now. Things I thought that I wouldn't have to go through, things I never dreamed that I would be facing. I'm not handling them very well.  Luckily I've had some very good friends help me along the way, they know who they are. I'm afraid I may not have been handling them very well either. For that I can only say I'm sorry and thank you. I will try to do better with both them and myself. Sooner or later this will pass and everything will work out the way it's supposed to.

"A gamester, the greater master he is in his art, the worse man he is." ~Francis Bacon

This quote spoke volumes to me. I was at Universal last weekend with a friend and her daughter and Spawn. I've mentioned that the issues that Spawn is experiencing have increased. So much so that we had to go for a second opinion with a psych this week. I digress however from what I am trying to say.  My friend is also a single parent and her daughter was talking about spending time with her dad. Spawn cycled into her angry place because she doesn't get to see her dad. It made me sad to realize what he is doing to her with his in and out pattern in her life.

I really have to sit back and wonder if many of the issues that she and I are going through right now and fighting to over come have to do with his being in and out and inconsistent so much.

Being a parent is hard, being a single parent is much harder. There is no one to turn to for the tough decisions, no one to help with the discipline, no one to slump next to at the end of a hard day and ask "What in the hell was that?" Thank God for my friends, they keep me sane.

As of today, we haven't see or heard from Vader in over a month again. Last year we went from Aug to Dec without hearing from him and I think we only heard from him at the beginning of this year because of the child support hearing. 

I guess we'll see what happens and we'll manage the best that we can.

Procrastinations.....

So I was reading Essie's blog The Accidental Mommy (I love her blog) and she has been doing the Too True Tues for what seems to be a little while and it seemed like fun so I thought I'd give it a try. So this week I'm told the topic is Your Shameful Procrastinations (There really should be some kind of announcer voice with an echo on that)


I would have to say that my homework is the number one thing that I procrastinate on. Being in Grad School, working full time and being a single parent doesn't leave for much spare time, I know when my due dates are and I always wait until the last minute. No matter how I try to get it done early. I would rather do anything thing else to the point I even have joined the Facebook group "I was trying to do homework but ended up playing on Facebook"


Then there is the laundry, my closet that I have been meaning to sort out and get rid of things, my desk at home that I need to finish cleaning off and filing the things on it. Several other things I can't really remember right now....The list goes on. After working I would rather just chill and hang in my pool with my Spawn and my roomies. 


There never seems to be enough time in the day for all the things that I have to get done so I pick and choose and whatever is left I leave till the next day...it's always still there. I try to always make sure to have enough time to get hugs at the end of the day, or say hi to my favorite people, or watch NCIS with my roomie K (sometimes you just gotta have a little dose of Gibbs)  

Random Thoughts

"I want to ask "why" but there are no answers, I tried asking "what" but I couldn't find the right questions, I'm left with asking "how" and am hopeful that someone can help show me the way." JLF

I was feeling rather lost today when I wrote that. It started out as a profound thought that became my Facebook status, than I decided that I needed to blog about it. I was thinking about one of my friends, who like me is going through a time right now. Granted he doesn't have the same type of issues that I have with Spawn but when looking at our two situations side by side it's hard to tell which is worse, I actually think that they are about even in some parts. I listen, I try to lend my support, it breaks my heart that I can't do more to help him. I sometimes wonder if he realizes how amazing he really is as a dad, a person and a friend...thinking about that and him, I'm sure he does, I tell him often enough. It takes a special type of person to be a dad, and an even more special one to be a single dad, especially one that pulls it all off and manages to make it look easy. He always amazes me on so many levels and I am so glad that he is in my life.

So tomorrow I go to meet Spawn's dance teacher and see how much stuff I have to buy her for 4 weeks of class. Hopefully I will also get the fall prices so I can see how I'm going to afford this if this works. eh Summer sucks. Daycare rises and so do other expenses but the money coming in is the same. Oh course Vader is no where to be found and we don't want to find him either. As long as he sends what he needs to send to the State so they can send it to me I'm all good. I'll be able to afford Spawn's dance classes that way, and her therapy and meds without killing myself.

Speaking of therapy, we're going to try that again next week, hopefully she will not throw her shoes and the couch cushions at her therapist this time. As I always say, things will turn out like they are supposed to.

Till next time...

The Name of the Game

For anyone that knows me personally, they know that theater and music is a big part of my life. (Which is why Indy was walking around singing Yellow Submarine and thanks to YouTube and whoever made the Lego version I was able to share it with a 4 yr old) I've also tried to inflict it upon Spawn and so far it's worked which is why she sings Mama-Mia with me, knows the music from Phantom of the Opera and can tell you the Wicked Witch of the West's name is really Elphaba and that she and Glinda were really friends. 


We (Spawn and I) were adding music to her iPod today (yes the pink one that I steal most of the time) and she had asked for the usual requests, a song by Katy Perry (the one with Timeberland), something by Ke$ha (the radio edit) and show tunes.......I thought since that part of the day had gone well that maybe the rest of our day would be okay. (le sigh) I should know better. Since she was up at 645 that might have been a problem and it was. 


True test of a overworked mother's patience is to ask a resistant child to clean their room. We (my roomies and I) are getting ready for one of our annual events on Monday and well we have commenced with the house cleaning. This has just happened to coincide this year with the massive "Get rid of stuff we don't want/need" project that we have started so things are sailing out of the house at a great rate, Good for us we think. I'm sure that it's not going as fast as hoped but you know, these things didn't happen over night and they don't get fixed over night. Couple this with the ongoing issues with my mom, the semester group project from hell and stress about my financial aid for next year and I'm already on edge. Then add Spawn and the normal rounds of "I hate you, you're mean, why are you making me do this, and my personal fave This is not fair that I have to do all this by myself." and this is just over folding her cloths and picking up the things all over the floor in her room. Things she put there. Oy...


Perhaps we are going to start better tomorrow. I can hope, she still has things to clean in her room and I intend to make her finish folding her clothes. Since this week has been nothing but making it from one rage to the next and wondering what is going to be the next trigger to set her off I guess that we will see, 




I know that I am tired, hearing that I'm mean and that she hates me every day is wearing me down. I know she doesn't mean it but it still hurts.  I'm grateful for the support of my friends and their willingness to help me try anything to reach my child. Whatever she is holding inside is preventing her from being able to control her actions like she should and she is refusing to talk about it or let go of it. I don't know if she can't or won't I don't know, but I have a feeling that it (whatever it is) is at the root of the major issues she is having right now. My only prayer is that we get her to respond to something enough to let us figure it out in time to stop anymore permanent damage.

New Kitty

We got a new kitty yesterday. So far Spawn is doing well with him. So is Indy (my nephew who is 4, AKA my roomie's son) The roomies and I had a lot of fun playing with kitty yesterday and attempting to break up cat fights. Our other cats aren't too sure about this little guy yet. So this week on my agenda is a trip to the vet to get shots and sniped and hopefully he'll tell me what he wants his name to be. Right now he's being called Kit. Who knows it might stick.

In other news, I feel myself shutting down and pushing away. Something I tend to do when I get really, really stressed. Not an easy trait to have when you are the single parent of a difficult child. Sometimes I feel like I need to just pull into myself instead of reaching out to my friends. It's not a good thing usually when I do it, it has the effect of hurting people's feelings. I do try to be aware of when I get into these moods and send out warnings. It doesn't always work. They also tend to make me hypersensitive to the way I think other people are acting toward me. Now I can tell you, in those situations I'm almost always wrong. I'm such a mess sometimes, but aren't we all?

I'm going to update this post with some kitty pictures hopefully today.

First day in the Tower and I come home to a meltdown and a tough decision

Well as I mentioned  yesterday, my office was moved from it's basement location to the top floor. There is a joke among my friends due to my job that I am a dragon and that they had kept me in my basement office because of it. Well the dragon had a perch in the tower now and it's going to take some getting used to. There is much more light up there and a helluva lot more traffic flowing by my door. It will be an adjustment period but I'll adapt like any good dragon.

I came home early today. I was home by 6pm. That was early for this week. My mom had picked up Spawn from her after school program for me since I wasn't sure what time I would be home. So I called her to let her know I was going to be earlier than expected. I could tell something was wrong when she answered the phone...I delivered my news and got a flat "Fine, I'll bring her home now." When I inquired as to what the problem was I was only told that it wasn't Spawn.

About 15 minutes after I got home, Spawn came through the door, upset. I asked what was wrong and where was Grandma as I watched her car race out of the driveway. Spawn told me that Grandma and her Aunt (my sister) had a fight and that Grandma was upset. So on the phone again I was, trying to find out what on earth was going on. (I should mention that my sister is Bi-Polar and is now at 21 deciding that she doesn't need or want medication. I should also mention that my mother is also Bi-Polar and I think that she's taking her meds.) My mom tells me that Spawn payed her aunt a compliment and that set her off. And when she kept going my mom went off. Fun for all. We've (my roomies and I) have been trying to get my mom to understand that it's not helpful for this type of thing to be happening EVERY time that the two of them are around each other. Poor Spawn has enough going on without this too as one of my good friends pointed out this evening.

So I now have to make the tough decision to not let Spawn be around them until this situation is handled. She can't handle it anymore and I, frankly, can't take it anymore either. I can hope that things will get better, but I have a feeling that this is just the start of the downward spiral. 

Out of the Dungeon

My office for the last several years was fondly called The Dungeon. Mostly because it was in a basement (yes I have the red Swingline to go with it and Yes, that is my stapler and No you can't have my stapler) Tomorrow, I'm moving out of my Dungeon home and going up to the Penthouse. (That would be from the basement to the top floor for those of you that don't live in my building)

I'm not sure how I really feel about the move. This week has been 'one of those weeks' (insert echo here) I assume that it will be better. My office will now have a window (two actually) I won't be the only person on my floor....I'm going to miss my Dungeon. We often say that the only constant is change. This is of course especially true at my job. But we shall be okay and I'm sure that I will learn to love my new home.

Spawn Update:

I found a program through one of the blogs I follow called FAIR Club (see first link here)

http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2009/03/how-to-discipline-your-difficult-child.html

(Big shout out to Mary the Mom for this) You can also find her blog, Muddling though Mayhem, in my blog list. I tried it for the first time last night on Spawn. My roomie K asked her to empty the dishwasher and of course she balked (I don't wanna do it Mommy, why do I have to do it?) So we (it's a team approach sometimes) explained to her that we needed her help and that she needed to follow rule 3 (Do your work) and that work meant chores and that yes emptying the dishwasher is one of her chores (newly assigned and she's fighting against it but still) when she evoked the magic works "IT'S NOT FAIR" yelled at us from the kitchen, to which I replied in my great newly acquired parental wisdom, "Welcome to FAIR Club dear" Well that just brought everything to a halt...What was this? FAIR club? She was, shocked, stunned even. I had explained it to her but like most things I try to tell her,  she really wasn't listening when I did. She got the message pretty quick. After approx 5 min, (instead of the usual 30-45 min this would take any other day) she decided that she had enough, she didn't like it there. She liked being a part of the family and she emptied the dishwasher. Tonight, she helped clear the table and load the dishwasher without being asked. So for today something is working. That doesn't mean that it will work tomorrow. I'm just glad for today.

Problems

I don't often talk of these things on here but I think I'm going to start having to for my own sanity. Spawn and I have been having problems. I thought that the behavioral issues were a phase, that she would grow out of them. Her father, my ex (hence forth named Vader) kept telling me it was something that I was or was not doing, too much discipline, not enough. I wasn't spending enough time with her because I was working full-time and going to school. Meanwhile, he wasn't really around either because he was "working" The tantrums and the outbursts kept getting worse and they left me feeling helpless. Then there were the secondary reactions, she was experiencing encopresis. So we went though all of the tests only to find that there was no medical reason, so back to the behavioral side we went.

Now I will mention here that I work in community mental health, so you would think that I would be able to find help for my child fairly quickly and effectively. This was not so much the case. I asked for services and was assigned a therapist, it seemed like nothing we tried worked. Our first therapist was fairly good, we tried all the normal things, behavioral charts, rewards, time outs. Everything would work for a little while then just stop. Meanwhile, Vader got married, Spawn had to adjust to me having a boyfriend and I was still in school. Then we were transfered to another therapist due to maternity leave, at first this seemed like a good move, Spawn was talking, or so I thought. There was a little improvement. Then all hell seemed to break loose in our lives, Vader stopped seeing her on a regular basis. That was the first downhill slide, then my boyfriend and I broke up several months later. This was hard on her since he had been a presence in her life for not only the time that we were together but before that and then he was just gone without a goodbye. She was having trouble in school, behavioral wise. I meanwhile was starting my MBA, dealing with the ever shifting moods and outbursts (I couldn't even take her to a store without a meltdown of epic proportions), Vader being no where around and not contacting us, a crushing breakup and trying to find a reason and a treatment for the on-going encopresis, which had been two years at this point.

It was then I made the decision to explore medication for Spawn, and so far that has seemed to help. We still have the outbursts but they are not as frequent nor do they last as long, Spawn is able to focus more. We're still battling the encopresis, but there has been improvement and now her newest therapist and I are wondering if part of it isn't more in an effort to force some control over her situation. Her issues at school have stopped, this year was so much better then last year. We have a new therapist that sees her regularly and communicates with me so that I know what to work on with her and have some direction as to what to do. I don't feel as helpless. Reading other people's blogs who have children with similar issues has also helped. It has made me realize that I am not alone with this. It was also there that I found the suggestion to blog about it.

So look for more posts like this, I know they are not exactly the most entertaining but it's what I need to do to get by.

I don't want to be anybody other then what I've been trying to be lately...

I haven't written in a while...I could give all the normal excuses, that I was busy, that school was taking all of my time, that being a single mom has been so demanding that it has left me no time and all of that would be very true. But that isn't why I haven't written. The cold, hard truth of the matter was that I was scared of having to actually face what was bothering me and needed to come out.

I started this blog as a way to purge my feelings and emotions about a very devastating breakup that shook my foundation. Now almost a year and a half later I've finally realized what I was supposed to learn from that and why I had to go through it the way I did. There were things about it I regret, things that were said that I wish like hell I could take back, a friendship that changed me in ways to numerous to count and the loss of which I still morn. I can look back on the good times now fondly and see the bad times without the haze of crushing pain. I can, most importantly, as I found today, appreciate the things that I have found that never existed in that relationship.

Just to be clear, I'm not speaking in the romantic term, although I hope that one day I am fortunate enough to explore that aspect as well. I am speaking about the basis of a solid friendship, one that is build on mutual respect and support for one another. As I've said before, friendship is not a spectator sport, you get out of it what you put into it. This time I actually am getting out of it what I am putting into it. We're both getting what we need right now, support and friendship. It's nice to know that someone is there when you need them, after you have been there for them. I can't explain why this one is different from my other friendships but it is.  I'm a firm believer in "everything happens for a reason" and I always say that things will turn out like they are supposed to. I think after some of the things that have happened this week I'm starting so see what the reason is, at least this part of the reason.

Memories

My Mom called me today and asked  if I had thought about my Dad on Sunday....I thought that this was kinda odd since I really do think about my Dad every day and have since he died. Then I realized that Sunday was that day....and it's been 6 years. It's hard to believe that it has been that long.

It makes me sad, he was taken too soon. He didn't get to see my spawn grow up, didn't get to see me finish my degree. There were so many things that I daily wish that he would be here for.

I miss you Daddy, Glad you're up there watching out for us.

The Next Weekend

So last weekend was fricking amazing and I thought it just doesn't get any better then this. Then we came to this weekend....and it got better. Wow, for the first time in a long time, things are awesome. Okay seriously there are still some things that suck but I feel like I have a life again and that I can manage the insane roller coaster that is my normal every day existence. So this weekend was:

Friday:

I had the day off and I had a friend in town (Love you T) so we went to Universal. I had fun just chilling and roaming around. That night, we got together with some of our other friends (Much love to C, D, and S who came to hang out with us, and D via text message) and had drinks and good times. (Damn I can't tell you how much I needed that) The legend of the four brunettes and their pimp daddy was born. (G)

Saturday :

After catching a few hours sleep from Friday night, I went and picked up my spawn from her sleep over at G-Ma's house and we ran to La Mart of Wally because like the true slacker I am I so forgot to get the present for the b-day party we were going to this afternoon. So present bought, it was off to the jumpy place for a party with the spawn, and 12 other kids that were there to jump around for J-man's b-day. (J-man is my friend A's son) So, while at the jumpy place I got to catch up with my friend M since we don't see each other often. It was nice to hang out for a while and watch the kids play,

Side note about the jumpy place: You don't realize how loud some kids can scream until you put them on a coaster or put them around a big jumpy thing....oy vey.

Sunday:

Plans for tomorrow include laundry, homework and just general resting.

Next weekend: 3 Doors Down at Universal!!!!

I am so loving life right now....oh and another side note, I did get to catch up with the hottie I'm crushing on this weekend. I love crushes. One of my friends once told me about the concept of PEA (the chemical in your brain that releases during the early stages of a relationship) I have to tell you it's a great feeling, the bright, shiny phase. Well, there ya go, I'm just happy crushing and it's all good. Sometimes it seems like my hottie is crushing back too, eh who knows if I'm just seeing it because I want to see it. I guess we'll see. :-)

The Weekend

So this past weekend, was amazing.
Saturday
The spawn and I went and got our nails done, then my roomie K dragged me to the Eric Clapton concert. Now I am the first to admit that I have never been a big Eric Clapton fan, but DAMN that man can play. What made it even better is that Roger Daltry of The Who opened for him.......Best Random Phrase of the Concert was by Roger Daltry to someone on stage but not mic'd "Fuck you, not in front of all these people" I have no idea what was said to him to get that response but damn that was funny.

Sunday
The effing time change......the bane of my effing life and my weekend. Okay enough about that. I went to M's son 's birthday party at Chuck E Cheese....It wasn't bad for being at Chuck E Cheese....The side show drama would take a blog post all to itself but over all it was a really nice party and bonus I got to check out a few nice looking guys. Then my friend A and I took the kids to the Orlando Science Center. That was amazing. I LOVED the energy room. There was a guy with a chair of nails that you can sit on, so I did. Makes me think I can walk on fire too....

So anyway, here we go onto another week, YAY....maybe something good will happen this week Oh Wait....something will, I get to see my friend T from Chicago will be in town and we get to hang out. I also might get to see the hottie I'm currently crushing on....here's hoping. Well till next time Ciao.

Runaway Train

There's this song by Soul Asylum that is one of my favorite songs in the word, Runaway Train...No matter what is going on, it's like that song can describe how I feel at any given moment.Right now, at this very moment, I'm wiped out. I just finished a class from hell, I'm mentally and emotionally drained because of my life in general and I feel like there is just nothing left in me.

I know I'll be alright in the morning, hell I might even be alright in an hour....this is just how I feel right this minute and I had to get it out.

I have another year of this pace...and I'm just so tired. I know it's worth it...but I'm tired. I know that no one said that life was supposed to be easy but no one say it was supposed to be this hard either. (Le Sigh) Well, tomorrow starts another week, and another class and a whole new host of things. I guess we just move on from here.

"Everything is cut and dry 
Day and night, earth and sky
Somehow I just don't believe it "

Once upon a time..

Once upon a time, in a land that has no name there lived a group of people. The group of people were friends and they shared their lives daily. The joys, the sorrows and when one of the group was down, the rest of the group stood guard untill they could stand again.

Sounds great right? Sounds like something that we all wish we had in our lives. Well most of us do. I know I do. I have it in more then one form. I have my main group, the tried and true friends that I can call on to help me burry the bodies at 2 in the morning. (Which most recently was my beloved cat Alley when he died) I have my work friends that make it easier to get through the craziness that is my job and those around me. I have some on-line friends some of whom I haven't met all face to face but that doesn't matter. They are there and always just an email, board post or in some cases text away. Our friends give us a place to belong.

I've seen what happens when you have to loose one though. Espically when it means something to you. The lost feeling, the stages of greif that you feel. The tug on you when you come across something that you would have involved that person in and now they aren't there. The massive hole that is left in your life when they are gone. Hated feeling if I ever felt one. I've also seen what happens when new people enter, they help right old wrongs, replace bad memories, give you a new outlook. A new reason to believe, or at least try to...

Lately there has been some reflection on my part of the people in my life and the roles that they play. I've said that friendship is not a spectator sport, sometimes you get tackled. You get out of it what you put into it. More then one of my friends have said that it's not about how we agree it's about how we disagree. I tend to think that they are right. I think it's funny how people come into your life at certian times. Some times they stay, sometimes it's just for a little while, sometimes they go away and come back again but they all leave a lasting impression on you and it's always for a reason. I've learned something from everyone that has touched my life. It hasn't always been good, but then lessons aren't always are they?

Since I know I never say it enough, to my friends that are always there, I love you all dearly. With out you all I wouldn't be who I am.

"There's too much tendency to attribute to God the evils that man does of his own free will." Agatha Christie

Recently I was called the most "Evil Person In The World"  by someone who should not be casting stones in a glass house. It's hard work living up to that title, let me tell you. It's not just all fun and games. 

There is alot that goes into the "Evil Person In The World" Now one would think that I sit in my lair all day thinking up evil plots with a white cat on my lap. Well there is some truth to this. I do have a "lair" since I work in a dungeon (basement in the real world), I do hatch some evil plots (I am a complaince auditor), I do not have a cat at work, white or otherwise but I do have an assistant that could qualify for a minion.


So where am I? I'm about to go to court in April where I will most likely become the most "Evil Person In The World" because I'm forcing my spawn's father to pay child support when he doesn't appear to want to, or more accurately only wants to pay what he wants to pay when he wants to pay it. For filing I got the most "Evil Person In The World" title. Eh, somebody's gotta fill this slot right.


 To further extend my most evil person in the world status, I'm talking to this guy. We'll call him............M. So M and I have been chatting it up for a little while now. Sounds pretty cool right, ah were back to my most "Evil Person In The World" because there are things that don't add up. Now, I'm an auditor by trade and I have a BA in accounting....it bugs me when things don't add up, so I  let it go for as long as I can then my estrogen demands I issue the summons "We need to talk" Ah, the death words.....designed by women to send any man running, except the one I'm talking to. Nothing about this guy is normal. Reactions, the way he handles things, the situations he's in, nothing is normal, he keeps me guessing. So we talk....It was a good talk that answered a lot and left more questions. I'm sure where he is concerned there is someone that will consider me the most "Evil Person In The World" because that's how these things happen, I have rotten luck with guys. But as Sally says in Carabert, Maybe this time, I'll get lucky... We'll see, M is a roller coaster ride from hell that I just don't want to get off of yet. At least I know what I'm in for, kinda. 

"We'll either expand into greatness or implode into oblivion." JB 2010

The above quote was made last week at a retirement luncheon for one of the supervisors by one of the VP's at my place of employment. The lady that made the statement is amazing and handles more in a day then I can even think about,  yet does it all with caring and compassion. She's one of the people I aspire to be like when I grow up.

I'm really lucky at my place of employment. That I can say that after the shittastic week last week I've had is a testament to just how much I really do like my job and the people I work with. I am surrounded by people who are encouraging and inspiring and who make me want to strive to reach my goals and surpass them. JB the originator of the quote is in the clinical realm. If ever there was a more difficult realm to dwell in. Especially now, with the (insert tired phrase here) economy the way it's been.

So onward we go, just trying to serve the people in need and do the best we can for our community and hope that we survive until the economy straightens it self back out, because eventually it always does.

Super Bowl

THE SAINTS WON THE SUPER BOWL!!!!!!!!!



WHO DAT!!


Can you tell I'm just a little happy? :) :) :)

"The roots of education are bitter, but the fruit is sweet." Aristotle

Okay so lately I've been feeling like school with never end......NEVER!!! I know that by this time next year I'll be in the home stretch. But right now I feel like I'm overwhelmed and just plain sick and tired of it all.

I've been doing school non-stop for the past....oh....6 years. Now granted in that time I've completed my AA, my BA and half of my MBA. I've put myself in in debt for this and right now I feel like I'm slipping. I guess that's normal at times when you've kept up the pace I've kept up for as long as I have but I'm running out of steam.

Oh well, maybe if I get a weekend in a few months it will make a difference. Here's hoping. Till then pressing on. What else is there to do right, it's not like it's in me to quit.

Black and Gold

Okay so in a stunning victory of 45-14 My New Orleans Saints have beaten the Cardinals and advanced to the next and final round of the play off's where they will meet the Vikings (who beat the Cowboys today) next weekend. For the second time that I remember the Saints are poised to go to the the Super Bowl. The last time they were defeated by the Bears. This time the Vikings stand in the way of the trip to Miami. I know that next weekend I will be on the edge of my seat as I watch Drew Brees attempt to lead the team I have loved and cheered for my whole life to their first super Bowl appearance.

I wish my Dad was alive to see it. Although a native of New York, he always watched the Saints, usually didn't have anything good to say about the number of games that were lost every year and how they didn't know how to play football. He always laughed at me when I was a kid putting aside my dolls to watch football. Never agreeing on the same teams, and never agreeing about the Saints.

Well this seems to be their year, and as I hope for victory next weekend and a trip to the Super Bowl, if we don't make it there is always next season. As most people from New Orleans, I was born a Saints fan, I'll die a Saints fan and it was never about the number of games won or lost but the heart of a team that is connected to the heart of a city that will always be home. Geaux Saints

It's effing cold and why do they keep saying "snow" and "Florida" in the same sentence

Hey so we're in the new year and lots of wonderful things are happening.....Um, ya I want to talk to the writers of this damn soap opera cause we need a better story line. If I was writing it, we wouldn't be too hot and wouldn't be too cold somewhere around 70ish would be good. I would have a mega hottie for a love interest that adored me and a bad boy on the side vying for my attention and I would be no bigger then a size 10. Oh and I forgot the amazing job that pays more then enough to pay all the bill and have money for random trips to NYC when I wanted. Yup ladies and gentlemen, that's my dream life.

Reality Check is that I'm really a 18 and shrinking (it's better then the 20 I was last year), there is no one except my friends and my spawn that adores me and no one vying for my attention, the job is okay and deals with the bills but there are no trips to NYC at random and right now it's fricking cold. At least we have heat at work again. The week of Christmas the heat went out at work, now I didn't think much of it since I was on vacation but damn it was cold the beginning of this week when I came back and there was still no heat. We got heat back yesterday. So tomorrow it's supposed to have a high of 30. I live in the middle of Florida and the high is supposed to be 30.......They said snow and Florida in the same sentence twice this week... I gotta tell you I'm good with just cold, I don't do snow unless I'm just visiting it. I live in Florida for a reason.

Well that is all the happening, oh and my next semester is starting on Monday......I have 6 more classes after this to finish my Master's. YIPPY!!!!!! Look for more "OMG" updates over the next 8 weeks as I enter a semester from hell.

Ciao for now Luvs.

Happy New Year

Welcome to the first day of the rest of your life.....Okay well the first day of 2010 anyway. So what is in store? Who knows really but it isn't what was past, that's done. Last night was awesome, good food, good friends and good times and good fireworks. Over all it was an amazing night. So with an amazing night like that to finish the year off it just goes to reason that we would have an amazing year.

I'm claiming that we will, I know that I am going to do what I can to make my year wonderful for myself and my spawn and well if anyone else wants along for the ride come on.