Monday, July 26, 2010

To MBA or to not MBA, that seems to be the question

I currently have the crazy ass schedule of working full time, being a single mom without the every other weekend clause and going to school full time working on my MBA. Yes folks, you read that right, there is NO break in Jay-Lee's life. Once upon a time (all fairy tales start that way) I did have the every other weekend deal, but I think I lost that somewhere while I was working on my BA. Eh, Sith Lords, what can you do with them, right?

Back to the school thing, lately I have been having the most humbling experience of (gasp) failing. This is a completely new concept for me. Not that I haven't failed at things before, because I have....PLENTY. But those were usually relationship based. School, not so much. Right now I'm wondering if I should be doing this. I want to drop out. Here I am, 6 classes from finishing and I want to stop. Sounds crazy....well maybe I am.

I know I'm tired. I broke down the other night when I was up at 0130 and still not done with the homework I had been struggling with since 1600 that afternoon. I just don't know if I have another 6 classes left in me with everything else going on.

Right now I'm crossing my fingers that I don't fail this week's test too. If I do I'm going to have to drop the class, a first for me. It will mess up a great many things including graduation. I've never not been able to pull the rabbit out of my hat, this time I think the rabbit has run away...I guess we'll see what happens.

Thursday, July 22, 2010

When you have to say goodbye...

I work in the middle of a downtown. It's not a big downtown but it is a historic one. We're in the middle of the middle of Florida, if that makes any sense, close to the Mouse and his castle, near Mr Potter and is world of wizards, close enough to the world's most famous beach to go and far enough away that when the race fans, the bikers and the spring breakers roll in we don't have to be in the middle of it unless we want to.

Our downtown is like any other small town, there are a few shops, a cafe or two, a hair salon or three. Even a dive shop. Those of us that call it home 40+ hours a week have our favorite places. You all know the ones, where you can walk in not have to order because they know what you want.

Tomorrow I have to say goodbye to mine because they have to close their doors. No longer will my daily half and half tea be just across the street. For the last 3 years, I was able to call up and say "Hey, it's Jay-Lee, I'll have the usual and a half and half." and it would be ready by the time I walked over.

I'm going to miss them greatly...there will always be other places to get tea, there will never be another place like that though. They took the time to know their regular people, to know what was going on and share a piece of themselves. We're still hoping that someone might buy the place and keep the staff on, I love the owners and hate to see them leave. Our downtown won't be the same without them.

Saturday, July 17, 2010


I'm feeling kind of blah today. I can't really explain why. I would guess it has something to do with the fact that I'm broke, that Vader hasn't paid his child support in two months, that Spawn's therapy and medication are taking every available dollar in my already stretched budget. Maybe that I can't take any time off or that the "Jerky Absent Father of the Year" Award would defiantly go to Vader. I feel like all I do anymore is go to work, run to therapy, do homework and attempt to deal with the melt downs.

I was "talking" to someone. I let myself believe that maybe there was a chance at something. There is always a undercurrent, there was that something, ya know.  Apparently, I'm too valuable as a friend for that chance to be taken. Now I value my friends greatly, but I always seem to end up here. I'm the best damn non-girlfriend ever. I always end up as the best friend and getting told that "I love you, but just as a friend." or "I just don't want to risk our friendship by trying to date." or my absolute favorite "You're a great friend but I just didn't fall in love with you."

So now I'm stuck in the house with Spawn, who wants to go to the pool, but she's grounded from it so I'm grounded from it too. Completely depressed and wondering why in the hell can't anyone decide that if I'm good enough to want to sleep with then dammit I'm good enough to want to date too.

I suppose that I should just give up on the dream that I will find someone that wants to be with me and be part of my life and let me be part of theirs. I mean really, what do I need that for? I have friends, I have work and school and....oh hell, I'm lonely and I'm tired and I'm just flat worn out from the fight every day of dealing with the constant battle with Spawn over even the little things. I keep hoping one day that crap hits the fan I won't be the only one standing here trying to hold it all together, but I always am.

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Therapy, Try it weekly, it's good for you.

As I said in my mini-update last night, we had therapy today. It was however, not the family session that I thought it was going to be. Spawn has the choice if I go into session with her. She chose no this time but did give Ms Therapist permission to tell me what they talked about. This in itself is progress. I really like Ms Therapist. She can tell when Spawn is feeling her a total line of BS and calls her on it. Spawn however hates that part. Something in the last couple of weeks however has seemed to make a difference. I don't know if it was the summer dance classes and the knowledge that she is going to dance in the fall, if it was the removal of the Intuniv and it's side effect with her of increased aggression, if it was the fact that we got two weeks alone together while my roomies were away. If it was all of those things combined. Whatever it was, she had a good session today.

Ms Therapist started out by asking if all of us were going to have session, when Spawn said no, she said "Okay then I need to talk to Mom first" Usually this starts a melt down. Spawn does not like hates when we talk without her. It usually results in her screaming like a banshee having a major melt down. Today, she said "Okay Ms Therapist." and sat back down. When we came back 10 minutes later she was sitting in the same place, waiting like a good child. I was so very proud. I know a few of you that read this will understand the Mom Moment I had. Then she went in and they did their thing. I read a chapter in my homework on financial statements (exciting right?)

Our assignment this week is to use feeling words instead of becoming the child from hell having a melt down. Most weeks we have at least one melt down right after therapy, today however, Spawn said "Mom, I'm very frustrated that we can't go to Friendly's for ice cream today." (sigh) I was so proud. More on this as we progress.

Monday, July 12, 2010

Therapy mini update

We have therapy once a week now for the next two months possibly longer, her therapist is also incorporating some family sessions with the both of us in so tomorrow is our first of those. I will update everyone after the session. I'm trying not to be too hopeful since tonight was a bit rough. Here's to a good session tomorrow.

Saturday, July 10, 2010

What a week...

I realized tonight that I had not posted in almost a week. We had a good 4th of July with friends. It was calm until Vader called, oddly enough right after one of Darth Vader's scenes on Star Wars (there was a marathon on and we were watching it) Spawn refused to talk to him because he never called her back on Father's Day. His lie excuse for not talking to her that day was that he called and got my voice mail and didn't leave a message. Since my phone didn't have any missed calls (shrugs) you know. For this I get called names and he acts like I am intentionally bad mouthing him to her, not realizing that it's his own actions that are doing him in.

We're also going on 2 months that he hasn't paid his child support. Now we have just gone to court in April so this didn't take very long. I think Tues is the deadline of had had to pay by or he looses his license. I'm so glad that he is under the opinion that I just want his money to get my nails done. Spawn has therapy once a week and it's not cheap. Neither is all the expenses with school starting next month.

A new semester just started this week, that along with work has me a little overwhelmed. I know these last 5 semesters are going to be harder but I'm going to get there. Next may will be here before I know it.

Spawn is starting dance lessons in Aug. We're going to have fun with this and hopefully it will help her with some of the issues that she's been having. We're all hopeful. Her therapist seems to think that this is a good idea.

There will be more about dance and the start of 3rd grade as we get closer and more about this semester too. Till then...lets see what tomorrow brings.

Monday, July 5, 2010

You might be depressed if....

One of my friends emailed me today with the following question: "Is crying for no reason a sign of depression?" My answer to him was "Usually, yes." What I didn't say was there is no such thing as crying for no reason. There is always a reason for tears. You may not know what they are, you may not be ready to admit them to yourself but there is always a reason. I've been down that road so many times I can't even count. I went down that road tonight after that email, knowing that there is not much I can do to help my friend except be there when he needs me, and my heart breaking at the same time because of that very fact. I would love nothing more then to just fix things for him. I care about him more then I should.

I've been where he is, on the verge, sinking into depression due to what is going on around you. Wondering if you should reach out to the people in your life, and if you do, how much you can lean on them. Knowing that they, like you have their own things going on, hesitating to add your issues to theirs. I have found however that is what your friends are there for. Your real friends are the ones that will help you along regardless of what is going on with them because they know that when you are through your deal, you will be right there for them. Those are the friends that make the move from just friends to extended family.

I'm blessed with my extended family. Through them I have learned to be a better person and a better friend. I hope that those lessons will serve me well now when someone I care about needs me. I know that he knows I'm here for him. I just hope he's able to reach out.

Sunday, July 4, 2010

Sometimes it just doesn't work no mater how hard you try

Family is a strange thing. You have the family you are born with and the one you pick up along the way. If you're really lucky you're close to both. People who have siblings that they don't get along with will understand this. I have/had a sister, who is 12 years younger then I am. She has some issues (like she's BiPolar and decided that she isn't and doesn't need meds for it so she won't take them) she has a complex that whatever has been done to her, no matter how long ago, regardless of the circumstances, should be help against you life. Oh, and she hates my daughter and treats her like shit.

She also doesn't understand why I don't think any of these things are acceptable. She comes to my house not to be included in activity but to just  be there and speak down to people in a condescending tone. If you ask a question nothing is ever good enough or meets her standards. If my daughter tries to engage her Aunt in conversation about a mutually shared interest (they play the same video games) she snaps at her and makes Spawn feel like crap for even asking a question. I've kicked her out of my house several times over the past few years and have always tried again for my mom's sake, the burden always laying with me, my sister refusing to meet me half way.

Yesterday, things snapped. We had been keeping our distance. But I invited my mom over and she asked to bring her. My only request was that she be polite, apparently that was too much. It ended as it always does, only so much worse. I threw her out of the house, told her she didn't have a sister any more and told my mom not to bring her back.

Here's the kicker, Mom wasn't supposed to bring her yesterday to begin with. But my 21 year old sister didn't want to stay home by herself.

This split has been a long time coming. Now that it's finally here I'm sad. Spawn can no longer go to her grandma's house because of it. I don't know if I get to spend anymore holiday's with my mom. I am more grateful then ever for my extended family (my best friends) and my sister, well she will tell herself and the rest of our family that this was my fault and I guess I'll just have to take responsibility for it because she won't take her part.