Tuesday, September 29, 2009

When Things Happen, you have your friends

For the most part I have some massive separation going on in my life. I have my work life where I am the successful, confident internal auditor that knows her shit. My home life where I have to balance being Mom (and dad) for my spawn with being a grad student and balance that with being a good daughter to my mom, a good sister, a good friend and roomie, and a whole host of other things. So I juggle. All the balls in the air, all at once and pray that none of them fall.

Luckily, my friends are an awesome support system. I'm lucky in the friends department, I have friends all over, not just the ones I can go see. I have them just an email or a Facebook message away. I am so thankful for that every day, this year more then others really. It seems that this year my world has fallen apart in just about every aspect that it could fall apart in and leave me still standing.

Since the beginning of the year I've been through the break-up from hell in which I lost not only my boyfriend but one of my best friends, my child had numerous issues that had been going on for the last two years but had gotten worse at the beginning of this year (thank God that they have seemed to even out some now) problems with her father that are really too numerous to name (now I must mention that the break-up at the beginning of the year was not with my spawn's father but with someone I loved very much, much more then I thought possible) starting grad school, various problems at work. Basically I felt like my life was one big snow globe and someone decided that just needed to be shaken up. I have to say I've heard some of the most amazing things this year too. From the infamous "I'm sorry I just didn't fall in love with you." to "I hope our daughter realizes what kind of a mother you are for filing for child support against me." to my recent fave, "I'm just not that into you but since I'm having naughty dreams about you..." Okay so the last one is paraphrased but that was basically it. "I don't like you enough to date you but I still think that you're screwable." Gotta love it. Through all of this however were my friends. I honestly don't know if I would have made it through without them.

I had a breakdown this week. A minor one but a breakdown none the less. I don't know if it is because of my stress level with everything or because the headaches are getting worse and the doctor's can't find an reason why or it's just because I have so much on my plate and I really need someone that will hold me at the end of a day from hell and tell me it will be okay. There is only so much one can take and so long that one can be strong before even the strongest fall.

My reaction to falling wasn't smart, it wasn't graceful, hell it wasn't even in the relm of a semi-decent idea but what's done is done. Sure I have regrets. It's how you know you had to make a really hard choice in my opinion. But I had been thinking of taking this action for some time now, I just finally had the motivation to do so. Of course that doesn't make me look any better. What good is thinking through your actions when you come off looking like a jealous, dramatic bitch? Well I was slightly jealous, dramatic not so much, just hurting and tired, so very tired. Tired of trying to pretend that time could go back to what it was before when I knew that it never could or would. Tired of the expectation that I would just "get over it" then we could go back to being friends like before and I would have to again watch the person I was always in love with be with someone else.  Most of all tired of being told what I was feeling wasn't what I was feeling, not in so many words. I don't like being this tired.

I can't get over the feeling that I'm trapped. I want to run away but I have no where to run to and no way to really try to run. Is this what desperately burnt out feels like? Well I think so at least. Kelly Clarkson has a new song out. I break every time I hear it. I have no idea what the name of it is. Funny how a song can just sum up what you're feeling isn't it? Supposedly that which does not kill us makes us stronger......I don't know if it does or not. Maybe it does.

I recently posted something on Topix in response to my opinion about a letter in a column. I ended my response with "Go forth and love" great quote...not sure what I was thinking that day, it was before my breakdown. Perhaps I should take my own advice and not be so cynical....but then again being cynical is what I do for a living. I guess there always is tomorrow, and tomorrow is another day.

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

The end of a really long day

So as many of you know (or maybe don't know) I'm a compliance auditor by trade. I know that sounds like a mostly boring job but hey someone has to get around to checking standards and following up on billing and all that other boring shit that I manage to do during the day. Part of what I do is prepare for external review. Now most of the external reviews are pretty routine. These are the same people that come in every quarter and we have the requirements known. Hey, someone has to sit with these people.

About once a year comes in the "Evil Demon Spawn of Hell". These are the people that really put me through the paces of an external audit. I think that the only thing worse would be a full blown IRS audit. For the last three years of these people coming in I have sat down after the audit was done and cried. Not because we had done badly but because this is just how stressful this particular audit is. What makes it even worse is that the actual reviewers for this audit are really nice but really to the letter of the standard, all black and white, no gray areas.

Now for the last 5 years I was able to end this really stressful, really bad audit with a phone call to a friend that would make me feel better. I miss that friend since I no longer have them in my life. For the first time in 5 years, I ended this audit and had no one to call. So in the absence of my person that made me feel better I went home and tried to chill, but I guess there was something in the air since my spawn decided to be off the chain tonight. I would bother to wonder where her father is on days like this but I really don't care and I really can't handle any more today.

So we are finally at the end of the day. My spawn has calmed down and gone to bed. My audit is over, not as wonderful as I would have liked but a great improvement over last year. I am here trying to accomplish my homework. I miss my friend, they always gave really good hugs when I was really stressed. But life goes on and there is always tomorrow. I get to do the internal auditor thing all over again because no matter what this week felt like already there still is two more days left before I can get to a weekend but at least I'm almost there.

Friday, September 18, 2009

Random Thoughts

So there is always something going on in my life that is a little off the wall. Nothing majorly off the wall mind you, just a little. My kid acting out, giving people second chances, deciding that yellow really isn't your color after all.....

I think my fave thing happened today, my spawn said to me after I picked her up "Hey Mommy, can we have a girls night." I love that she is finally old enough to really have these. I get a real conversation with her.

This is the fun time of parenting for me. I get to watch the world through her eyes and it's not all cynical and jaded as it is through mine. She makes me believe in hope and love and faeries and happy endings again.I wouldn't trade this time for anything in the world.

Thursday, September 3, 2009


Okay someone please explain to me why people suck so damn bad?? So here we go. If asked a direct question, you would expect a direct answer right? Oh hell to the no, that would be too effing much like right. 
So, this guy started talking to me, and everything was okay for a time. We had a date and it seemed okay. So ya know I'm thinking that maybe this might go to a second date. Oh holy shit I thought about a second date, effing sue my dumb ass. So he goes from massive communication to none....okay, this is strange. So I ask, is there a reason we're not talking. I get the work excuse. "I've been really busy at work." I get how that can be so ya know. I don't think too much of it. We talk a few times, exchange a few texts, and I'm thinking ya know I should ask like what is going on. So I send the what the hell email. 
Okay so I don't word it like that, I'm a little nicer. I basically say that if he's just not that into me anymore, could he just tell me that. I get a response back of more work issues. No real answer to my question, just that. So I get another call later on in the week and I ask straight out, so like am I ever going to see you again? And he's like ya, when I get the work stuff straightened out. 
So today, I get word from a mutual friend that he says he's just not that into me. So ya jackass, I got your message, you could have told me your damn self. I can't stand guys that say, "Communication and honesty are really big things to me" and then pull this shit. Stop effing lying. I don't give two shits that he didn't want to date me, I'm more pissed that he couldn't tell me that. I'm so glad that I don't deserve that damn respect to my damn face. There is a text, phone call, email, or effing face book (well not anymore because I removed him from my friends) he could have told me and what's worse is I asked. 
Oh well, I don't have time for this shit. I have homework to do and a kid to feed and an audit to finish and all that other shit that I do with my life. Who needs one jerk that is going to waste my damn time. Besides I'm sure that there will be someone else that comes along, there always is.