Sunday, December 11, 2011

Getting back to me

So here we are, rapidly hurling toward the end of the year. Did you ever just wonder for a moment where the time went? I've asked myself that question several times this year. 

This, it's crazy to think that it's almost over. It's marked some real milestones in my life. I finished my MBA (YAY!!!) I turned 35. My sweetie and I celebrated our first year together. (Okay so that might not be that big but those of you that know know one year with the same person is HUGH)  Let's here it for bad track records and actually learning from one's mistakes. 

I've also let go of a lot of complete burning hatred bad feelings toward Vader because I've come to realize that regardless of what I did, did not do, said or did not made no difference. At the end of the day I was going to be the only one here footing the bill doing what needed to be done. 

Spawn is still mostly stable. It started to be touch and go because she saw Vader in October. The effect he has on her is negative and long lasting. I just don't know what to do and how to handle it sometimes. How do you tell someone that they are having a negative effect on your child and you wish they would just go away when you know that somewhere, somehow that person really is doing the best they can but it just isn't good enough? I'm still working on that one. It's sad though and it really breaks my heart. Spawn wants her dad but she wants what her idea of her dad should be and he doesn't live up to it. I get caught in the middle and it's no fun. 

But on the bright side, Christmas is in two weeks and I have almost all none of my shopping done. But I have ideas. Ideas are better then actually having shopping done, because shopping can be easy if you know what you're going for. I used to be the queen of Christmas Eve shopping before Spawn. 

Well that is all for now luvs, You know I can never stay away too long. Besides, we're going into 2012...there might be strange things afoot...till next time...Ciao!!!

Sunday, August 7, 2011

Life is a Cabaret

So it's no secret that I am involved in community theater. Sometimes more involved then others mind you, but always, always I have some pinky grip on a season. For the longest time (the years I was in school) I was forced to only watch from the sidelines and limit my participation. Last year I was lucky enough to be pushed into a much needed stage appearance and gained not only a part of myself back but was introduced to the love of my life.

Belonging to a community theater is like having a really big, ever expanding extended family. I am lucky enough to have one that encompasses 3 theaters in the area and I wouldn't trade any of them. Which brings me to the point of this post. 10 years ago, we did a show...Cabaret. It was amazing. From the director, whom I had worked with since my first show at that theater to members of the cast, we bonded, kept in touch, and now there is a new cast. There are a few of us back for the ride but we have the opportunity to create the experience again with new members.

I know that it will be an experience that will bring back many memories while making new ones. Of all the shows that I have done (with the exception of the last one for obvious reasons) it has been the most special. So stay tuned, I'm sure this won't be my last post on the subject.

In a related but different topic, my boyfriend (who is amazingly talented and yes I'm biased but if he sucked I would say that too) and I are about to embark on a adventure in our we're not getting married, but we are going to attempt to be in shows at the same time in different theaters...For most people going on vacation is the real test of a relationship, well for us it will be shows running at the same time. I'll keep you posted on that too.

Till next time luvs, Ciao

Saturday, July 16, 2011

Change of Direction

Wow two posts in as many days, I guess when I come back I come back...

Okay so for those of you that have read from the beginning, I thank you. For those I have picked up along the way, I am so glad you're here. When I started this blog, I was trying to come to terms with my life. I had just had a really bad break up, my poor Spawn was so out of control it wasn't funny (Actually Taz looked more in control at the time) and now here we are two and a half years later I think that I am pretty much back in control of where I need to be.

My Spawn is more in control and she and I have learned to deal with each other and the challenges that we are facing better, I have an amazing relationship (I am so glad I got hijacked into that audition back in Sept of last year)  the MBA is finished and I am trying to figure out what to do now. So things have evened out.

Which leaves me with my blog, I don't really know what to write about. I mean I can write about the dance classes that Spawn goes to, the challenges of a serious relationship when one of you is a single parent and both of you are always running to shows and auditions for community theater. I can write about community theather, where the drama is not always just on the stage. But would you want to read about it.

I hope that you will, for this is where I am and since I know that those of you that have been reading have been a wonderful source of support for me, hopefully I have in some small way done something for you as well. I look forward to the next stage of the journey and hope that you all still go with me.

By the way, have any of you ever taught a cat to fetch? Mine seems to have started.

Friday, July 15, 2011


Wow, it’s been about 6 months since I posted…

There has been so much that has happened in that time that I just got lost somewhere in living and forgot to come back and update. First let me congratulate MooNBeansMama on the pending arrival of Bean. I’m so happy for her. It’s always encouraging to see awesome things happen to good people. She’s due in Feb right before Spawn’s birthday. (Which is an awesome time to have a baby if I do say so myself)

Okay so on to the update… Spawn has finished 3 rd grade with honor roll of course. She did wonderfully well with her school work and passed the FCAT with a 4 in both subjects. For those of you that are not in Florida, the FCAT is this god awful test that has to be taken by the kids here. Everyone I know hates it and I know that my Spawn was so nervous before it that it was crazy. So in August we’re going to 4 th grade. She did AMAZING in dance and we’re going to be doing that again next season as well. There have been no more issues since we had her medication straightened out and there has been a noticeable decrease in anger outbursts in the last 6 months. That has at least given me a small break and we have been able to resume normal activities. Child support is still an issue, I talk to Vader from time to time and he was in town for Spawn’s dance recital. Maybe one day he’ll be able to make payments, till then I pay everything myself and get pissed about it…

Let’s see, for my update…January to May was the worst 16 weeks of my life but I GRADUATED!!!! Yes, you read that right, I finished my MBA!!! I meant to write a post right after graduation but I have been on a 2 month boycott of my computer. Going to school on-line does that to a person. The show I did at the theater I belong to had their award ceremony last month andi I won an award for the role that I portrayed. That show will always be special because I met my sweetie during it. Speaking of my sweetie; today is 9 months for us. I’m rather proud of myself that we’ve made it to 9 months and we still like each other. I’m just as crazy about him now as I was when I first met him…well that isn’t exactly true. I think I’m even crazier about him. I’m such a sap really… but I fell and I fell hard. Okay there I said it. I think that I am most amazed every day by the fact that he and Spawn get along so well. It’s wonderful to watch the two of them, and to spend time with both of them and not have to worry about always getting a sitter.

In other news, work’s still crazy but then hence the title of the blog. We are trying to do the best we can in an uncertain time in a state that is even more uncertain about funding for such services, but this is not the place to go into politics. We have been going completely crazy busy for the past few months with a new billing system and I have implemented a new auditing system. Every day I think “What in the name of hell were we thinking?” “This is going to get better…” I keep waiting and hoping and working for it.

Okay so that is the update, I promise it will not be 6 months till the next one. Thanks to Jeff Rivera at for the email yesterday. I appreciate your reading and your email reminded me that I need to get back to this.
Till next time Ciao

Sunday, January 30, 2011

Back in a Snow Globe

So I haven't been posting much lately. It's not because there isn't much going on but because I am so far into burnout that I just can't put my thoughts into words. I'm having trouble focusing on things at work, the things I have to do for school, hell I have trouble going to the store with a list.

I keep telling myself that there is only a set number of weeks left, 13 at the time of this post, until I complete my MBA. I'm so burnt out that I can't even be happy about it. I have so many people telling me how proud I should be of myself, how hard it must have been to accomplish what I have and of course my personal favorite "I don't know how you do all that you do."  Well I don't either, I don't think about it most of the time because if I do then I will get depressed.

I feel at times like my life is a snow globe and just for giggles some one shakes it up to see what would happen. I can tell that I'm fighting to make it through... (le sigh)

Work is crazy as hell normal but busy as we try to improve things by going electronic. Why we thought this was better I don't know. But there it is. Oh well, on to the next week. My baby turns 9 this week, on Thurs. Can't wait. till then.

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

A New Year, A New Hope...

So we made it through the holidays!!!! YAY!!!! There were only minor incidents with family, Spawn did not have any major melt downs and we even got her room cleaned.

Amazing I know.

I found out on Christmas Eve that the Empire was dissolving. Apparently there is a divorce happening. This information gave me no joy. It's strange, I have such mixed feelings for Vader. Part of me wants to be able to get along for Spawn's sake. To "see the good still in him" the other part can't stand the person that he is around me and the person I become around him. I feel bad, after all he was once a person I was in love with.

He asked to see spawn. I asked her and got a rather negative reaction which we will be discussing with her therapist today. So she didn't see him but I had to pick up her stuff from him. It's always a shock since we go so long between seeing each other. Every now and then I see the person that I knew, the one that attracted me to him in the first place. Just enough of a flash to keep that damn hope anywhere near alive. Maybe he really will make massive changes in his life. Maybe...As long as whatever he does is consistent I don't care. It's either in or out, Spawn can't take the yo-yo thing and I can't let it happen.

So here we go, onward to a new year, with new possibilities. Starting Jan 10 I have 16 weeks left of school then I will have the MBA. YAY!!! I can't wait.

Well till later...