Saturday, July 17, 2010


I'm feeling kind of blah today. I can't really explain why. I would guess it has something to do with the fact that I'm broke, that Vader hasn't paid his child support in two months, that Spawn's therapy and medication are taking every available dollar in my already stretched budget. Maybe that I can't take any time off or that the "Jerky Absent Father of the Year" Award would defiantly go to Vader. I feel like all I do anymore is go to work, run to therapy, do homework and attempt to deal with the melt downs.

I was "talking" to someone. I let myself believe that maybe there was a chance at something. There is always a undercurrent, there was that something, ya know.  Apparently, I'm too valuable as a friend for that chance to be taken. Now I value my friends greatly, but I always seem to end up here. I'm the best damn non-girlfriend ever. I always end up as the best friend and getting told that "I love you, but just as a friend." or "I just don't want to risk our friendship by trying to date." or my absolute favorite "You're a great friend but I just didn't fall in love with you."

So now I'm stuck in the house with Spawn, who wants to go to the pool, but she's grounded from it so I'm grounded from it too. Completely depressed and wondering why in the hell can't anyone decide that if I'm good enough to want to sleep with then dammit I'm good enough to want to date too.

I suppose that I should just give up on the dream that I will find someone that wants to be with me and be part of my life and let me be part of theirs. I mean really, what do I need that for? I have friends, I have work and school and....oh hell, I'm lonely and I'm tired and I'm just flat worn out from the fight every day of dealing with the constant battle with Spawn over even the little things. I keep hoping one day that crap hits the fan I won't be the only one standing here trying to hold it all together, but I always am.


  1. Jay Lee, A wise woman once told me... to get through the litany of hard days... that often seem to go on for an eternity 'this too shall pass'.... I say that.. I mean chant that... to myself when I am having a really sh*tty week... month.... ect... it will pass... and good things will happen.... because you deserve them... though Im sure me just typing this doesn't make it any better. Oh do I know how it feels to be broke... it is daunting.... exhausting... and there's nothing worse than feeling the effects of the grounded child... blah.... As for the love department.... it'll hit you when you least expect it... because you are a wonderful woman and mother.... and your mate is out there.... you just haven't met them yet : ) But you will.... because good things do happen to good people (see... I still have my rosie glasses

  2. YAY for the rose colored glasses! Today was that day, ya know, when everything just hits you. I know everything will work out like it's supposed to...Thanks sweetie and it does help.

  3. Had to stop for a second and re-check who's blog I was reading. Aside from the child support thing (J was never served the paperwork), sounds a lot like my life lately. Hang in there chica. :)