Blah

I'm feeling kind of blah today. I can't really explain why. I would guess it has something to do with the fact that I'm broke, that Vader hasn't paid his child support in two months, that Spawn's therapy and medication are taking every available dollar in my already stretched budget. Maybe that I can't take any time off or that the "Jerky Absent Father of the Year" Award would defiantly go to Vader. I feel like all I do anymore is go to work, run to therapy, do homework and attempt to deal with the melt downs.

I was "talking" to someone. I let myself believe that maybe there was a chance at something. There is always a undercurrent, there was that something, ya know.  Apparently, I'm too valuable as a friend for that chance to be taken. Now I value my friends greatly, but I always seem to end up here. I'm the best damn non-girlfriend ever. I always end up as the best friend and getting told that "I love you, but just as a friend." or "I just don't want to risk our friendship by trying to date." or my absolute favorite "You're a great friend but I just didn't fall in love with you."

So now I'm stuck in the house with Spawn, who wants to go to the pool, but she's grounded from it so I'm grounded from it too. Completely depressed and wondering why in the hell can't anyone decide that if I'm good enough to want to sleep with then dammit I'm good enough to want to date too.

I suppose that I should just give up on the dream that I will find someone that wants to be with me and be part of my life and let me be part of theirs. I mean really, what do I need that for? I have friends, I have work and school and....oh hell, I'm lonely and I'm tired and I'm just flat worn out from the fight every day of dealing with the constant battle with Spawn over even the little things. I keep hoping one day that crap hits the fan I won't be the only one standing here trying to hold it all together, but I always am.

Time marching on.

So tonight was orientation for my spawn's school. She's going into 2nd grade. I look at her sometimes and wonder when in the hell the last 7 and a half years went. It's hard for me to realize that some of the time just passed by almost without my noticing.

I find myself thinking about all the things that we've done and all the things that we have yet to do and praying that there is enough time to do them all. Isn't that always the way though? At least I find that it is with me, I'm always worried if I am enough, or have given enough or feel like I haven't given or done enough. I suppose that is part of being a parent.

For a while now, due to circumstances way beyond my control, I've felt like I haven't been a good parent. Then one of my friends (who doesn't happen to have kids) said to me, "Well JayLee, What is a good parent?" After I started describing, what in my opinion, was a good parent, I was hit with, "Well, duh, you do all that." And I realized that I did. I was always there when she woke up, I was there for field trips at school, I was there for the special holiday things that went on. I praised art work that I wasn't really sure what it was but it was supposed to be a house and a tree so that is what we saw, I have put aside homework of my own to help her with hers, I've stayed up until all hours decorating cupcakes for fall festivals because having "pumpkins and ghosts drawn on them were cool Mommy." I guess that at the end of the day it may never seem like it's enough until I'm sure that she's going to grow up okay and then I'll still worry.

I guess the thing that I have the hardest time with is not feeling responsible for the shortcomings of Vader (her father) As of today, He hasn't seen her for 3 months. It breaks my heart. She says she doesn't care, that she doesn't want to see him and I do believe her. But she sees other kids with their dads and she gets this look. The "that is what I'm missing" look. As hard as I try I can't make it go away, but I keep trying.

I guess that is all I can do, keep trying. Perhaps one day I will convince myself that it's enough. Maybe as she gets older she will think, as she thought today, that I am the best Mommy in the world and she loves me more then anything. I know that I love her more than anything and I wouldn't be who I am today without her.