Change of Direction

Wow two posts in as many days, I guess when I come back I come back...

Okay so for those of you that have read from the beginning, I thank you. For those I have picked up along the way, I am so glad you're here. When I started this blog, I was trying to come to terms with my life. I had just had a really bad break up, my poor Spawn was so out of control it wasn't funny (Actually Taz looked more in control at the time) and now here we are two and a half years later I think that I am pretty much back in control of where I need to be.

My Spawn is more in control and she and I have learned to deal with each other and the challenges that we are facing better, I have an amazing relationship (I am so glad I got hijacked into that audition back in Sept of last year)  the MBA is finished and I am trying to figure out what to do now. So things have evened out.

Which leaves me with my blog, I don't really know what to write about. I mean I can write about the dance classes that Spawn goes to, the challenges of a serious relationship when one of you is a single parent and both of you are always running to shows and auditions for community theater. I can write about community theather, where the drama is not always just on the stage. But would you want to read about it.

I hope that you will, for this is where I am and since I know that those of you that have been reading have been a wonderful source of support for me, hopefully I have in some small way done something for you as well. I look forward to the next stage of the journey and hope that you all still go with me.

By the way, have any of you ever taught a cat to fetch? Mine seems to have started.

New Year's Eve

So today is the last day of 2009. I come upon this day with mixed emotion. I look at everything that has happened in the last year and it makes me sad. This time last year I was upset, one who gets dumped on New Year's Eve usually is. Now to be fair on the off chance that the Ex is actually reading my blog (as if) the official break-up (the words) weren't said until Jan 2nd. I never believed in the old wives tale that said what you were doing on New Year's Eve is what you will be doing for the rest of the year. Until this year that is, I was crying, heartbroken and shattered on New Year's Eve last year and that is pretty much how my year was. So with 2010 upon us I'm determined that I will not spend another year like that.

I was in love....something I'm not sure I can believe in anymore. I trusted, something I find I am unable to do. I have someone on the fringes of my life that is just there because that is where they need to be right now and honestly that is where I need them to be. Every now and then I think about what was lost and feel the pain that goes with it but mostly the anger at the events that took place and the way that they ended. It's always harder when they mean something to you and in the end you meant nothing at all. I work, I try to be the best mom I can be despite certain people telling me otherwise and trying to finish this damn degree.

I'm ready for whatever 2010 has to offer, weather it be a year for just me or if people on the fringes decide to step in. I do know one thing, I will not cry anymore, at least not over that. I read an article recently that said to get over it you had to get rid of everything, emails, texts, im's so tonight I did. And what do you know, tomorrow is another day.

Have a wonderful and safe New Year's Blessed Be.

When life starts looking like a MeatLoaf song

Okay, so I know. Who doesn't love MeatLoaf. I mean really, the man has made it through the test of music time and he rocks. He was also really good in Rocky Horror Picture Show (I love Eddie)

I've come to realize that he's got the song that resembles my life right now, kind of in the haunting Lauren Hill "Killing Me Softly" kind of way. Here's the scene, we're sitting in our office my co-minion and I, have the random cd's going (the Dungeon does not allow for radio signals to penetrate) and on comes MeatLoaf, now normally this makes me feel better. Who doesn't love some "Wasted Youth" or "Rocking Roll Dreams Come True" but alas it was "Two out of Three Ain't Bad"

It makes me sad really that this song reminds me of my life right now. I wonder sometimes if it's just something wrong with me. I've been in love twice, once gave me my daughter. My daughter's father and I had a bad break and because he was the type of person he was at the time he had to tell me that no one was ever going to fall in love with me. I guess it made him feel better for leaving me pregnant. The second time I thought I did everything right. I fell in love with one of my best friends, we had a lot in common, I thought it was working. It turned out to be an even worse break. Everything went wrong. I was left believing what I was told after the first time because what I was told this time was so much worse. There is nothing more destroying to one's self confidence when you are told that no matter how they tried you just weren't enough for them to fall in love with. So with the opinion of the first ex reinforced I was lost, unable to believe in anything.

So what do you do when you hit that wall? You're friends (God love them) tell you all sorts of carp, you're better off, he didn't deserve you, it wasn't time, there will be someone else, maybe you just need to work on you right now. All the carp you don't want to hear. You can't sink into a mind numbing oblivion and just hide under the covers or run away because there is responsibilities that are right there calling your name. Kid, job, Grad School.....life coldly and cruelly just marches on. Everyone (and I mean everyone including Ex #1) was supportive, and why wouldn't they be? They all think I'm wonderful but they're biased and well I used to pay them but with the economy...well ya know. Where do you go when you can't stand to be with yourself? How do you cope with that when all that runs through your mind is that the person you love couldn't love you. Couldn't and didn't become the same thing, well at least with the same result. Someone that you thought you knew becomes a jerk (spelled a@#hole) You loose yourself because you lost what you believed in. You start to question yourself, your friends, your place in this life. Everything starts spinning, faster and faster...so what do you do.

Well you find yourself a therapist and you try to work it all out. Then see what happens and maybe at the end of the day you can face yourself again.

Ciao

Starting this thing

Okay, So I really have no real reason for starting this. I'm bored, I'm heartbroken, I'm working on getting over it.

Here's what I want to know. What is it about guys that makes them think they have to lie at the end of a relationship? They hit you with the BS "I still want to be friends" They know it's BS, you know it's BS. You're so heartbroken that you want to believe it. But I mean really. Why can't they respect you enough to just be honest. The lying hurts more.

So what brings about this question of life....Well, I was dumped by my boyfriend 4ish months ago. It was a "nice" breakup complete with the phrase "I just didn't fall in love with you." Now really, if he was going to be that damn honest with me then why did the lying start right after. Then he hit me with the usual, "it's not you, it's me" and "I'm doing this to save our friendship so that you won't be out of my life completely and hate me" Um well, if that was the case then it really sucks to be him. Actions speak louder then words. Men!! Thank Goodness that all of them are not like that. I used to think that he was one of the good ones. It really hurts that I not only lost someone that I loved deeply but I also lost someone that was one of my closest friends for many years. Lesson in this, don't date your friends, no matter how much of a good idea it seems.

Actually I can't say that. The real lesson in this is communication. Alot of what went wrong was he didn't talk to me until HE decided to end it. I had no part in the decision, no opinion, no chance to anything. If you have to think about major things that effect your life and another's no matter how hard it is, talk to them about it.

So I'm now starting a new journey, I'm trying e-dating. I really suck at dating so I'm sure I'll have stuff to write about. Till next time.....

Ciao