New Year's Eve

So today is the last day of 2009. I come upon this day with mixed emotion. I look at everything that has happened in the last year and it makes me sad. This time last year I was upset, one who gets dumped on New Year's Eve usually is. Now to be fair on the off chance that the Ex is actually reading my blog (as if) the official break-up (the words) weren't said until Jan 2nd. I never believed in the old wives tale that said what you were doing on New Year's Eve is what you will be doing for the rest of the year. Until this year that is, I was crying, heartbroken and shattered on New Year's Eve last year and that is pretty much how my year was. So with 2010 upon us I'm determined that I will not spend another year like that.

I was in love....something I'm not sure I can believe in anymore. I trusted, something I find I am unable to do. I have someone on the fringes of my life that is just there because that is where they need to be right now and honestly that is where I need them to be. Every now and then I think about what was lost and feel the pain that goes with it but mostly the anger at the events that took place and the way that they ended. It's always harder when they mean something to you and in the end you meant nothing at all. I work, I try to be the best mom I can be despite certain people telling me otherwise and trying to finish this damn degree.

I'm ready for whatever 2010 has to offer, weather it be a year for just me or if people on the fringes decide to step in. I do know one thing, I will not cry anymore, at least not over that. I read an article recently that said to get over it you had to get rid of everything, emails, texts, im's so tonight I did. And what do you know, tomorrow is another day.

Have a wonderful and safe New Year's Blessed Be.

Christmas time has come.....and gone.

Well, it's December 26th. YAY we made it. (Oh and Happy B-day to my Allie-D, she's amazing) We made past another Christmas!!! Okay I hate to say it like that but you know, since I had my spawn I look at this holiday a lot different then I did before. This year, like all other years my spawn got a case of the "I wannas" and the "Gimmies" These are two terminal illnesses that effect children of all ages. I even got a mild case of it myself on Christmas Day but at least it was for eatable things.

So back to what I was saying. Spawn and I had to go out on Christmas Eve for a last minute gift. I had neglected to get my roomie her gift and well, there it was. So there we were in the Books-A-Million in the mall after finding the book in question (she's going to make wonderful things from it) standing in line waiting to check out and every other word out of her mouth was "I want" or "Can you buy me" so I turned to her and uttered the words that cracked up the entire line. "You know this is Christmas Eve, I told you I'm not buying anything for you since Santa is coming tonight. Don't make me text or FaceBook him in the middle of his run to take back your presents." Yes guys I said it, I threatened to FaceBook Santa on my spawn. Bad thing is that Santa really has a FaceBook page where you can leave messages.  Welcome to the here and now when I can have Santa on FaceBook and friends of mine that will send text and pretend to be Santa for me. Good thing the spawn doesn't read my blog right.

So on Christmas Eve I got a surprise phone call from Vader......how special. First time in four months that I've heard from him. He ended up seeing the spawn today for the first time since the end of May. Christmas miracle or attack of guilt? Who knows, he's supposed to be leaving town again at the beginning of the month. I can't believe that I used to love someone so much only to dislike them so intensely now, but there really is a thin line between love and hate.

Speaking of love, I'm not in it anymore. YAY me I think. Bad thing is I'm not liking what is happening in the mean time. There is someone that I like on several levels, I'm attracted to but I don't think that I could ever fall in love with. I don't know that I could ever trust anyone enough again to fall in love. There is a part of me now that looks at people and wonders how much of what they say is a lie. I met someone several months ago, I personally think he's amazing. He makes me laugh and he makes me feel like me again. I just don't know where or what it means. I think I need to be friends first, really be friends, it it's going to be anything. We'll see, I do know one thing, damn he can kiss. :) Ya I know but sometimes you just gotta find out.

Here comes the new year in a week. I can't wait to see what is in store for me. I know for certain that it will be better then last year. I'm looking forward to it.

The Holidays

Okay so we have made it through Thanksgiving, battled our way through Black Friday and have dove headlong into the holiday season. I can't believe that this year has gone so fast and so much has changed in both my life and my spawn's.

It gives me pause some of the changes that have been forced upon us because a few of them were not good (at least in my opinion) and had I been asked about them prior they would have been handled differently. I miss the person I used to be. The one that saw the good in people instead of the bad right off. I'm trying to get to that place again.

So here we are again at Christmas, may this one be better then last year. At least I'll actually be where I'm wanted instead of the farce I endured last year. I will have my spawn with me this year and will be spending time with family and friends and have special plans for Christmas Eve. Better then last year already.

Time, it seems, not only heals but shines a really big spotlight on situations allowing you to see things for what they were not just what the emotions would let us remember them as. I would like to remember some great romance with the love of my life. What I got was a hard lesson, one I doubt I will ever forget. While I was in love and hopeful and trying to be not broken, he was never in love (well with me anyway) broken in his own ways, and emotional not involved in the relationship I mistakenly thought we had. If he ever stops working long enough and is honest enough with himself to fix what his own issues are then he stands a chance at being happy. I wish that for him. I really do hope that one day he stops being so careless with the people in his life.

Vader has also departed for parts unknown, I'm told he's not currently in the state but my information is a week old and could be wrong by this time. What isn't wrong is he hasn't seen our spawn since the end of May and I have spoken to him since Aug. I'm sincerely hoping that he doesn't just show up around Christmas and decide that he's taking her. That would be bad. Really bad, like having to call the cops bad.

After Christmas we'll deal with New Year's, Dear God please let this one be better then last year. Oh wait, I don't have a boyfriend to basically dump me on New Year's Eve so that right there will be better. 2010 will be a better year, I'm going to just claim it now. Things will get better, time will continue to heal and life will go on. That's the way it always goes and if it doesn't there is always cookies.

So here we go toward the first of the year. Who knows if I'm going to get to post again between now and here so a toast for the new year, May you live life to the fullest, love with all you have and laugh often.

If Men were like Coffee

Okay so I was in the car with my roomie K today and we were talking about various things including soda and coffee. I've had migraines lately and can not drink coffee while I have them. YAY, um not!! If any of you know me well, you know that morning cup of coffee is a must So I made the statement to K "You know, I love coffee and it's pissing me off that I can't drink it. In fact, if coffee were a man I would so marry him." Thus the idea was born. So K asked "Um, So you're saying you want your man dark, rich and strong?" So I went on with it. I agreed that a tan is good (I do after all live in Fl), Rich works and Strong is always a good thing. Then I expanded, you can add cream to control the color of the tan (remember we are really talking about coffee here) sugar to control the sweetness (and that would translate in to the romance level), and you could choose Caff or De-caff or half and half (and this would translate into high energy, low energy or that mixture that I prefer)

So if I were making my coffee into a man I would have a med tan, med sugar, half caff/half decaff. So I've decided that I'm going to look for a guy that reminds me of my coffee. Nothing else seems to be working so this can't be that bad of an approach. And no I can't say exactly when I'm going to get off my ass and really try to start dating either. I also recently say something about some guy in O-Town putting himself on a billboard off of I-4 to get dates. I can't say that I'll ever be that desperate but I do hope to one day be not this busy. In all reality dating may just have to wait until after I finish school, and really that is okay. It just gives me more time to work on me. But in case someone comes along in the meantime that's okay too.

Oh and I did promise in my last post to talk about cookies in my next post so, "Come to the Dark Side, we have cookies." Holiday cookie baking season is officially under way, updates and pictures in the next post.

Ciao

My Roomies

Okay so today is the roomies' anniversary.  YAY they made it to 13!!! Personally with my view of relationships anyone that makes it to marriage and stays that way is doing pretty good. The roomies have had issues and instead of what seems to be the social norm of cutting and splitting  they have stuck it out. Having known both of them for the duration of this adventure that they call their marriage I can honestly say that I can only hope one day I find the same sticking power. They really would be lost without each other, although neither of them would admit that. They still remain the only people I know that got married in a movie theater. (Yes I really meant a movie theater)

So to my beloved PAC and KJC Happy Anniversary, we'll revisit this again next year for 14.

“Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.” Maria Robinson

So I'm starting with another quote. This one from Maria Robinson, although I must admit I had no clue who she was when I found the quote so I had to go look her up. Google is your friend boys and girls. So I found that she's a writer and a blogger and such. Well since I've never heard of her before it surprised me that the quote affected me so. But considering the past year and everything that has happened I guess it falls in line with everything else.

This is my time to ditch the past and stop letting it haunt me and bind me with fear. My life moves at a pace that is almost too fast for even me to keep up with. It's easy to get overwhelmed. It was recently assumed that because the overwhelming nature of everything was finally getting to me that I was depressed. Well, thanks for the observation but sorry, no I'm not depressed. Depression is easy to fix, being overwhelmed not so much.

So off I go, work is hell and that is a hell that is not going to end soon but I WILL deal with it dammit. School is also hell, the schedule is insane but I have 18 more months. They are most likely going to be the hardest 18 months of my school endover. But at the end my bright shiney MBA and a LHRM. YAY letters behind my name. The issues that my daughter is experiencing... (sigh) I can only pray that they will get better and the team of people that I have working with me can help make a difference. I'm trying to put my life back together so that I can have that new ending that Maria Robinson was talking about in her quote. I also keep getting tugs from my past. I truely wonder if there are certain people that we are just connected to regardless of our desire to be connected or not.

We're moving forward into the holiday season. This is a time of joy, happiness and giving for most people and a time of saddness for others. A time that we remeber those that we are close to, reach out to those we haven't talked to and miss those that are no longer with us for whatever reason they are gone. This year is going to be so different from last year. I'm hoping that it will be better, without the heartbreak that last year brought. Since this is the time of year that my life started falling apart last year, perhaps this year it's  going to start coming back together.... (sigh) One can hope, I can hope. Hell with hope, It WILL be better. Mind over matter and all that jazz

So I'm going to make my new ending. Because I guess Scarlett O'Hara was right after all, Tomorrow really is another day.

Okay and that is enough of my rambling about the meaning of life.....my next post just might be about cookies...Stay tuned....

My Alley Cat

I lost my Alley the day before my birthday. At least I was with him, petting him when he went. I hate it when a pet dies. My Alley was with me all through my pregnancy with my spawn, through Vader leaving, through my AA and my BA, through the most recent ex leaving....he was always there to lay on me and purr. What can I say, he was my baby before I had my baby. I'll miss him a alot. I know that he was without a doubt the best cat I've ever had. I'm going to miss my baby cat, because what a kitty was he.

When Life Changes in a Heartbeat

I heard something yesterday that almost made me fall over. One of my co-workers lost her oldest daughter in a tragic, freak accident. Just weeks away from graduating with her Master's my co-worker's 24 yr old daughter was hit by a car crossing a street and just like that the world has been changed. It hit me on so many levels I just didn't know where to begin.

As a mother and especially a single parent like my co-worker is I can't even begin to understand what she must be going through. I looked at my spawn last night and just felt like dying at the though of anything ever happening to her. As a sister I can only imagine what her other daughter is going through. They were very close so it was not just her sister but also one of her best friends. It's always the amazing ones that are taken too soon.

There really are no words of comfort that can be given; nothing really takes the pain away. Everything that you can think of to say sounds trite but you say it anyway because really what else is there to say? I sent a short note, just to let them know I was thinking of them, praying for them.

It just reminds me how fast life changes, how quickly people that are here can be gone. Please remember to hug those that mean the most to you and if you can't hug them then tell them at least. You never know when things will change.
Oh before I forget, My Group, My Regs, My Innies and all my other friends, I love you guys ((((Hugs))))

Happy Halloween

There are alot of people that think that Halloween is a bad thing. Okay well maybe they are right. Getting kids high on sugar does have after effects and I am coming to appreciate this wisdom now that I am a parent. However I remember getting to go trick or treating with my mom and she dressed up right along with me. So tonight on All Hollows Eve I am contunig the tradition that I was taught and I am dressing up right along with my spawn to take her trick or treating. Hopefully it will increase her candy intake so she can share with me. One day when she has her own children she too will be able to look back and remember what her mom did with her like I can do with mine and it will help to make her a better parent as it has done me.

We tried pumpkin carving this year, it was my roomie's idea. This is a picture of the little pumpkins that my nephew, my spawn and I did. I really liked this way better. Carving the real thing was gooey and messy and icky but it was really cool at the end.


I hope every one has a happy and safe Halloween, Blessed Be and remember do as ye will and harm ye none.

The past is a ghost, the future a dream, and all we ever have is now. ~Bill Cosby

So that quote by Bill Cosby spoke to me. Especially right now, when I am most broken. I'm not making excuses for being broken, I'm not blaming reasons for it although there are many, I just am because of things that have managed to pile up and guess what....healing is a slow process. So if anyone has a problem with that and my healing process, fuck off. I know that is pretty harsh but hey it's my blog. So back to me since that is the reason I write this. It actually helps.

When you look at it like that, the past can haunt us. I am currently being stalked by the ghost of mine and I'm scared shitless. Meanwhile I'm attempting to control what I dream of the future. Not real fun. So how do we break this loop. I can hear several of my friends whisper "therapy" but they would since they are therapists. Working in mental health is really good sometimes, great EAP, but it can drive you to use them.

Healing is individual to everyone. They have to do it in their own way. Oh I know you're going to say, "But you made your blog public so you must welcome feedback." Well yes I do welcome feedback, when you have something to say. So far I've gotten some great support from my friends and even my own critic, what more could I want out of life? Really.... Well, there is the lotto and a hunky guy....well nixt on the guy, that doesn't matter much.

Recently, I've had someone chastise me on my awesomeness. It happens, If I talk about my own awesomeness then I'm vain. If other people talk about my awesomeness then I'm loved. Unless someone doesn't like me. Then the fact that I might think I'm awesome and others might think I'm awesome are a bad thing, and for goddess sake don't let it cloud your judgment of yourself and your situation least you feel better about yourself after. For those of you that don't know about awesomeness, let me break it down for you. All of us are awesome in our own ways. The people that are our friends see this awesomeness about us and we see it in them. Awesomeness is like Mojo. When you think you've lost it you sure as hell try to get it back. With out it you really don't feel like you, like you are on your A game. Don't believe me? Just go ask Austin Powers, he spent a whole movie chasing after his Mojo, and remember he's a sexy bitch, yeah baby.

Well I recently broke, I "lost" my awesomeness. But let me tell you my friends and I mean all of my friends have a common unique awesomeness, they are supportive. Some of the key things in friendship are supportiveness and understanding. There are alot more things that go into friendships and there are alot of different kinds of friendships around. One thing that really gets me is people telling me what kind of friends I should have. You can only really be friends with people if you see them 2x per week and meet face to face and.....BULLSHIT. I have a wide variety of friends, on-line, off line, some in both places. Some of them I met on line and then in person, some I met in person and can keep up with them on line. It doesn't matter where your friends are location wise, what matters is that when you need something you find out really quick who your real friends are. I know who mine are and I love them dearly.

Things that make you go hmmm.......

Okay so as I detailed somewhat in a recent post, I broke. Since then I have gotten the gorilla glue out (It's better then super glue boys and girls) and started putting myself back together.

I used to like myself. I'm not sure I like where I am with myself right now but for the most part I suppose that I'm okay. My friends think I'm awesome. I think that they are biased and no I don't pay them but perhaps I should. Number 5467 on my "When I win the lotto list" is: Pay my friends for thinking I'm awesome. Kidding but seriously, my friends do think that I'm all these things that I just don't see. I guess it gets lost some where in just being me.

I'm spending alot of time just trying to maintain. Not really do anything more then that. I know right now that I'm really not going to be happy so I'm trying to just be okay. Does that even make sense? Everyone is running around trying to run in the race called life and it moves so fast. But what do we really do? Is anyone really happy or are they merely content with the way things are? What is happy? Trying to answer that question is almost as puzzling to me as trying to figure out why in the hell someone swears that they are done with something, say a group of people, yet that is what they blog about. It makes no sense to me. I guess it just gets chalked up to human nature. 

Human nature.......the thing that brings people together, that drives people apart. The words bring to mind the best and the worst that people have to offer. It's what makes people go on-line and become who they are not when away from the screen and keyboard. It's what allows for survival of the fittest or the luckiest whichever it happens to be. It allows for the little quirks that make us who we are. The things that make us individuals. I'm trying to reconnect with mine. Trying to refind what makes me, well, me. If anyone knows where I have disappeared to, then please let me know or send me back home, I really am looking for myself.

Until I really rediscover myself again I just run along my little path, kind of like a hamster in a wheel. And try to remember what it was like to be me before, when I was whole. Till then I'm a work in progress, but aren't we all?

When you look what do you see? Look into my eyes, can you really see me?

Is there anything left of this soul to be the person that I was meant to be? 

The heart shattered, the soul torn to shreds, hollow eyes gaze upon life with nothing but dread. 

Waiting for the light to show me the way, not realizing that it is my journey to stay.

Not to run but to repair, the heart, the soul that lay shredded there. 

Only then can you really see, when you look in my eyes you will see me. JLF

When Things Happen, you have your friends

For the most part I have some massive separation going on in my life. I have my work life where I am the successful, confident internal auditor that knows her shit. My home life where I have to balance being Mom (and dad) for my spawn with being a grad student and balance that with being a good daughter to my mom, a good sister, a good friend and roomie, and a whole host of other things. So I juggle. All the balls in the air, all at once and pray that none of them fall.

Luckily, my friends are an awesome support system. I'm lucky in the friends department, I have friends all over, not just the ones I can go see. I have them just an email or a Facebook message away. I am so thankful for that every day, this year more then others really. It seems that this year my world has fallen apart in just about every aspect that it could fall apart in and leave me still standing.

Since the beginning of the year I've been through the break-up from hell in which I lost not only my boyfriend but one of my best friends, my child had numerous issues that had been going on for the last two years but had gotten worse at the beginning of this year (thank God that they have seemed to even out some now) problems with her father that are really too numerous to name (now I must mention that the break-up at the beginning of the year was not with my spawn's father but with someone I loved very much, much more then I thought possible) starting grad school, various problems at work. Basically I felt like my life was one big snow globe and someone decided that just needed to be shaken up. I have to say I've heard some of the most amazing things this year too. From the infamous "I'm sorry I just didn't fall in love with you." to "I hope our daughter realizes what kind of a mother you are for filing for child support against me." to my recent fave, "I'm just not that into you but since I'm having naughty dreams about you..." Okay so the last one is paraphrased but that was basically it. "I don't like you enough to date you but I still think that you're screwable." Gotta love it. Through all of this however were my friends. I honestly don't know if I would have made it through without them.

I had a breakdown this week. A minor one but a breakdown none the less. I don't know if it is because of my stress level with everything or because the headaches are getting worse and the doctor's can't find an reason why or it's just because I have so much on my plate and I really need someone that will hold me at the end of a day from hell and tell me it will be okay. There is only so much one can take and so long that one can be strong before even the strongest fall.

My reaction to falling wasn't smart, it wasn't graceful, hell it wasn't even in the relm of a semi-decent idea but what's done is done. Sure I have regrets. It's how you know you had to make a really hard choice in my opinion. But I had been thinking of taking this action for some time now, I just finally had the motivation to do so. Of course that doesn't make me look any better. What good is thinking through your actions when you come off looking like a jealous, dramatic bitch? Well I was slightly jealous, dramatic not so much, just hurting and tired, so very tired. Tired of trying to pretend that time could go back to what it was before when I knew that it never could or would. Tired of the expectation that I would just "get over it" then we could go back to being friends like before and I would have to again watch the person I was always in love with be with someone else.  Most of all tired of being told what I was feeling wasn't what I was feeling, not in so many words. I don't like being this tired.

I can't get over the feeling that I'm trapped. I want to run away but I have no where to run to and no way to really try to run. Is this what desperately burnt out feels like? Well I think so at least. Kelly Clarkson has a new song out. I break every time I hear it. I have no idea what the name of it is. Funny how a song can just sum up what you're feeling isn't it? Supposedly that which does not kill us makes us stronger......I don't know if it does or not. Maybe it does.

I recently posted something on Topix in response to my opinion about a letter in a column. I ended my response with "Go forth and love" great quote...not sure what I was thinking that day, it was before my breakdown. Perhaps I should take my own advice and not be so cynical....but then again being cynical is what I do for a living. I guess there always is tomorrow, and tomorrow is another day.

The end of a really long day

So as many of you know (or maybe don't know) I'm a compliance auditor by trade. I know that sounds like a mostly boring job but hey someone has to get around to checking standards and following up on billing and all that other boring shit that I manage to do during the day. Part of what I do is prepare for external review. Now most of the external reviews are pretty routine. These are the same people that come in every quarter and we have the requirements known. Hey, someone has to sit with these people.

About once a year comes in the "Evil Demon Spawn of Hell". These are the people that really put me through the paces of an external audit. I think that the only thing worse would be a full blown IRS audit. For the last three years of these people coming in I have sat down after the audit was done and cried. Not because we had done badly but because this is just how stressful this particular audit is. What makes it even worse is that the actual reviewers for this audit are really nice but really to the letter of the standard, all black and white, no gray areas.

Now for the last 5 years I was able to end this really stressful, really bad audit with a phone call to a friend that would make me feel better. I miss that friend since I no longer have them in my life. For the first time in 5 years, I ended this audit and had no one to call. So in the absence of my person that made me feel better I went home and tried to chill, but I guess there was something in the air since my spawn decided to be off the chain tonight. I would bother to wonder where her father is on days like this but I really don't care and I really can't handle any more today.

So we are finally at the end of the day. My spawn has calmed down and gone to bed. My audit is over, not as wonderful as I would have liked but a great improvement over last year. I am here trying to accomplish my homework. I miss my friend, they always gave really good hugs when I was really stressed. But life goes on and there is always tomorrow. I get to do the internal auditor thing all over again because no matter what this week felt like already there still is two more days left before I can get to a weekend but at least I'm almost there.

Random Thoughts

So there is always something going on in my life that is a little off the wall. Nothing majorly off the wall mind you, just a little. My kid acting out, giving people second chances, deciding that yellow really isn't your color after all.....

I think my fave thing happened today, my spawn said to me after I picked her up "Hey Mommy, can we have a girls night." I love that she is finally old enough to really have these. I get a real conversation with her.

This is the fun time of parenting for me. I get to watch the world through her eyes and it's not all cynical and jaded as it is through mine. She makes me believe in hope and love and faeries and happy endings again.I wouldn't trade this time for anything in the world.

OMFG

Okay someone please explain to me why people suck so damn bad?? So here we go. If asked a direct question, you would expect a direct answer right? Oh hell to the no, that would be too effing much like right. 

So, this guy started talking to me, and everything was okay for a time. We had a date and it seemed okay. So ya know I'm thinking that maybe this might go to a second date. Oh holy shit I thought about a second date, effing sue my dumb ass. So he goes from massive communication to none....okay, this is strange. So I ask, is there a reason we're not talking. I get the work excuse. "I've been really busy at work." I get how that can be so ya know. I don't think too much of it. We talk a few times, exchange a few texts, and I'm thinking ya know I should ask like what is going on. So I send the what the hell email. 

Okay so I don't word it like that, I'm a little nicer. I basically say that if he's just not that into me anymore, could he just tell me that. I get a response back of more work issues. No real answer to my question, just that. So I get another call later on in the week and I ask straight out, so like am I ever going to see you again? And he's like ya, when I get the work stuff straightened out. 

So today, I get word from a mutual friend that he says he's just not that into me. So ya jackass, I got your message, you could have told me your damn self. I can't stand guys that say, "Communication and honesty are really big things to me" and then pull this shit. Stop effing lying. I don't give two shits that he didn't want to date me, I'm more pissed that he couldn't tell me that. I'm so glad that I don't deserve that damn respect to my damn face. There is a text, phone call, email, or effing face book (well not anymore because I removed him from my friends) he could have told me and what's worse is I asked. 

Oh well, I don't have time for this shit. I have homework to do and a kid to feed and an audit to finish and all that other shit that I do with my life. Who needs one jerk that is going to waste my damn time. Besides I'm sure that there will be someone else that comes along, there always is.

First Day of School

So today was my spawn's first day of 2nd grade. She woke me up at 5:00 am with the great words "Mommy!! It's the first day of school, we have to get ready!!" Now I don't do 5 am without considerable prodding and coffee so I told her to go back to sleep.

45 minutes later.....

Spawn: "Mommy, is it time yet?"

JayLee: "No honey, it's only 545, you don't have to be at school till 8 and we don't get up till 630."

Spawn: "But Mommy, it's the first day, I don't want to be late."

JayLee: "You won't be now go back to sleep."

45 minutes later...

JayLee: "Now it's time to get up, you can watch cartoons while I take a shower."

Spawn: "No I'm going to get dressed."

By the time I got out of the shower, she was dressed and had her lunch half made. I was only in there for less then 15 minutes. She was at school at 8 am on the dot. She looked so grown up with her backpack and her lunch box, jumping out of the car and heading to class.

This afternoon when I picked her up from daycare she was full of tales about today. My baby is growing up. At least the most important thing to her this afternoon was to tell me about her day. I even made sure that I left work on time just so I could hear about it. Cause you know that is what it's all about anyway, being there to hear about the first day at school and pack the special things for lunch and to make sure that the all the right stuffed animals are tucked in with her at night.

The Explosion

Well about 11ish or so last night I get a call from Vader. Now really, to my way of thinking unless something is wrong you really shouldn't call that late but I guess no one taught him that. Because I wasn't right by my phone I didn't see it blink (I turn the ringer off when I go to bed)

It seems that he's finally been served the noticed that I filed child support and he wasn't happy about it (big surprise there) So he accused me of avoiding him, like this is such a hard thing to do if I wanted to, I mean really all I would have to do is go about daily life and there problem solved, he's avoided. Then he started in on things from back when we were together, now this is what I don't get about this part. We had this really big long many hour conversation when he got engaged and both agreed to leave all that stuff in the past and I've tried to stick to that, yet he keeps bringing it back up. So in the middle of him going on about how much he's been working and that is why he hasn't seen my spawn, and how he wasn't going to pay me because now he would have lawyer fees and would end up in jail and such, he says to me that I am making my spawn think badly of him and he always thought I was the most evil person alive.

WHAT!?!? I mean first off, I don't say bad things about him to my spawn, she sees what he does and has made her own opinions without any help from me. Second, because I am tired of dealing with him and his excuses on why he can't pay child support I went and did what we should have done in the beginning and just put it through the state I'm evil? Then he hits me with I put my self in this situation and I forced this on him.

In his mind, I got pregnant on purpose to trap him and there is nothing I can say that will make him think otherwise. I don't even try to fight that fight with him anymore, it's pointless. So off on that rant he goes and I just hung up. I wasn't going to try to fight a loosing battle not at what was then 1130 at night. I'm sure that I'll hear from him again and if not oh well, I guess I'll see him at the proceedings for the child support.

For now, I assume it's Game On.....I never wanted to play this game though.

Time marching on.

So tonight was orientation for my spawn's school. She's going into 2nd grade. I look at her sometimes and wonder when in the hell the last 7 and a half years went. It's hard for me to realize that some of the time just passed by almost without my noticing.

I find myself thinking about all the things that we've done and all the things that we have yet to do and praying that there is enough time to do them all. Isn't that always the way though? At least I find that it is with me, I'm always worried if I am enough, or have given enough or feel like I haven't given or done enough. I suppose that is part of being a parent.

For a while now, due to circumstances way beyond my control, I've felt like I haven't been a good parent. Then one of my friends (who doesn't happen to have kids) said to me, "Well JayLee, What is a good parent?" After I started describing, what in my opinion, was a good parent, I was hit with, "Well, duh, you do all that." And I realized that I did. I was always there when she woke up, I was there for field trips at school, I was there for the special holiday things that went on. I praised art work that I wasn't really sure what it was but it was supposed to be a house and a tree so that is what we saw, I have put aside homework of my own to help her with hers, I've stayed up until all hours decorating cupcakes for fall festivals because having "pumpkins and ghosts drawn on them were cool Mommy." I guess that at the end of the day it may never seem like it's enough until I'm sure that she's going to grow up okay and then I'll still worry.

I guess the thing that I have the hardest time with is not feeling responsible for the shortcomings of Vader (her father) As of today, He hasn't seen her for 3 months. It breaks my heart. She says she doesn't care, that she doesn't want to see him and I do believe her. But she sees other kids with their dads and she gets this look. The "that is what I'm missing" look. As hard as I try I can't make it go away, but I keep trying.

I guess that is all I can do, keep trying. Perhaps one day I will convince myself that it's enough. Maybe as she gets older she will think, as she thought today, that I am the best Mommy in the world and she loves me more then anything. I know that I love her more than anything and I wouldn't be who I am today without her.

And just when I thought life was getting back to normal...

So I'm trying to become a firm believer in "everything happens for a reason" Sometimes I can see the reason, sometimes, more often then not really, I have no fucking clue as to what the possible reason could be.

This happens in my life, my work, you name it. True story, I started talking to a guy. I thought he was a really cool guy. We had an awesome "first date" I guess you would call it. Well, it was awesome to me, he seemed to agree with me or so he said. So awesome first date. Happen to be seen by one of my co-workers, who later asked me about it. So I dished some vague details, name, just started talking. Nothing major. Co-worker in turn told someone else, normally not a big deal but they called me on it like a week later. Okay so whatever, I mean really I'm friends with this person too. So during the course of conversation it comes out that the guy is on my Face Book. Now, I have almost 200 people on my Face Book, I mean really, ya know. But my "friend" says "Maybe I should go and friend request him." To which I replied "No, don't do that." You would think that if someone was your friend they would listen to you. But she did it anyway and when I called her on it the reply was "I just couldn't help myself."

So this happens to coincide with apparently things going crazy where he works and communication between him and I falling off. So needless to say I was in a word, confused. And in another word, pissed. Confused, because I couldn't figure out why he wasn't talking to me so I asked. Pissed because my "friend" did something that I asked her not to do and what I saw as a violation of the girl code.

So now I'm lost, I have to try to express my feelings to my "friend" in a manner that will be understood. I really need a way to get my point across without having to slap her with a clue bat and ask what in the hell she was thinking. I mean I guess she was trying to be helpful but really, I didn't want the help.

And on the other hand I have to figure out if the guy I was "talking" to is being straight with me about why we haven't been talking. I mean I really don't want to jump to conclusions and I don't want to come off sounding like a jealous idiot since I mean really it's only been one date and a few conversations. I would rather just talk to him and say like so, do we still have something here or is what we thought we had over. So in that respect I'm just kinda waiting. I mean, I hope he's mature enough at his age that if he's just not that into me anymore he would just say that.

At the end of the day whatcha gonna do right?

My Mommy

Today is my Mommy's birthday. She has in her own words become an age that she considers unacceptable to speak so we have settled on the all purpose age of "39"

My mom really is my hero, she managed to be a successful single mom way before it was acceptable to be a single mom and always taught me never to give up on my dreams. She also had the task of putting up with me and my sister and my dad through many moves, the first Gulf war and living in Europe for 6 years, without killing any of us.

So to the best mom that I could have and the best grandma that my spawn could have, Happy Birthday.

Love you Mom!!

The end of a Dream

I heard that sometimes you need to let go of one dream to make room for others. I guess I haven't heard anything more true lately.

Not to sound too much like MLK but I had a dream, and it was a nice dream. But it was killed. For a while I was able to live that dream and for that I will always be grateful. That short moment in time when everything was as I thought it should be. The moment that was never meant to last. Perhaps it was there to teach me something. I'm still trying to process all that I have discovered from it and the subsequent events that lead me to today.

Now I have to let that dream go completely and the person with it. That hurts most of all because they were so much a part of every aspect of my life for so long that I am having trouble understanding what my life will now be like without them. I do know that in a lot of ways I became a better person because of them. Hopefully we will find our way back to each other someday and able to recapture the friendship that was such a special part of my life.

And so I go on my way, in search perhaps of new dreams.....or perhaps if they happen to find me. Because life doesn't stop when your dreams end, it just demands that you start dreaming over again. Maybe this time, I'll get lucky....After all life is a Cabaret ol chums, so go to the Cabaret.

Sometimes it just is.....

So I was able to see the last Broadway tour of Rent in Tampa. It was bittersweet at most. Kind of an ending that I wasn't ready for. It started me thinking about other things that have ended recently that I wasn't ready for them to end.

At the beginning of this year I started out with such hope. Things weren't good but I had hoped that they were going to work out. That was killed pretty quick by a break-up, problems with my daughter and as a result several months of being completely lost and depressed. So I went to therapy. Some of my friends think that therapy can fix everything (most of them are therapists themselves) and they are mostly right. I was hoping against hope that therapy would fix this, make it better, make it end. What it did do was make it easier to live with and to hide.

I still get up everyday, I still work, I still laugh, I still move....but the world around me is less bright. You would think after 7 months there would be some improvement, some mending to my heart but no. My heart still aches at empty place that was left in my life. Some things have gotten better, that part hasn't. I've stopped trying to get over it, move past it, or whatever it is that people do. I've stopped trying not to be in love with him anymore because it's not working for me. I'm working on just accepting what I have right now which is my daughter, my friends, work, school and not much else and when I'm alone at night I dream and remember....

At least the world hasn't lost all of it's color, just the sparkle that made it more interesting. At best the core that makes everything worth it is still there. Where does someone go from here? It's not standing still, it's not really moving forward but it's not going back either. To scared to feel because it hurts so bad and to scared not too because if I become too numb then I disappear. What a place to be, my very own purgatory...I always was a really bad catholic.

A friend of mine recently said that she firmly believed that it's better to have loved and lost then to never have loved at all. I really do agree with her. I can honestly say that I only thought that I knew what it was like to be in love before this. This is the real thing. Since it is and there is nothing I can do about it, the only thing to do is try to be as happy as I can be with what I do have left and cherish the memories that I was allowed to make and hope that one day maybe...

Well you know...I was always a sucker for romance novels and a happy ending eventually.

Ton of Bricks

Okay, so it's been a bad week.

I thought that after last night that it might get a little better. I got to talk to my ex-boyfriend/former best friend. It was good since we haven't talked in a little while and it seemed like there might be an opening for some friendship like stuff. Who knows, we'll see.

Fast foward to today, things are going along when the phone rings at work....Now normally this is not something that is going to bring doom and distruction, well sometimes but....I wasn't expecting what I got.

Seems one of my co-workers passed away this morning. Just dropped dead at the Dr's office. So as I'm sitting back trying to process this, the phone rings again....this time not such bad news but disappointing all the same. Now in a 5 minute period there is only so much the human brain can process. However that particular 5 minutes was more then I could handle. So when someone dies like that it just leaves you shocked. So I'm still processing everything. I'm sure after I finish processing I might have something more to say.

Holy Hell!! What a Week

Okay so this has been a shitty week, well it's been a shitty year so far so why should I be surprised that this week is been bad right? Then one of my besties sent me this quote"if you are going through hell, keep going...." and it has now made my day since I am currently making my way through hell and I think I'll pass the next rest stop in search of my exit.

I think that is why I have the friends that I do, they know what to say and when to say it. Right now with all the shit that I have to deal with they know what to say. I have more on my plate then should be there, you would think that with taking a semester off of school things would slow down slightly now however, I should have known better. It is after all my life.

Then there is the bullshit that I have to deal with from the one that offers lies when they are not asked for. I like that actually. It's kinda funny really, you enter into a conversation, don't ask certain questions because you know that the answers would be lies and then they get offered to you anyway. How fucking cool is that, I ask you? At the end you're left with just the bullshit that you've been handed and nothing else to do but laugh your ass off and have another drink.

Ciao luvs

What Happens When You Give Up

Someone once told me that the best way to find what you are looking for is to stop looking for it. I had forgotten that for a while. But I gave up on something and it happened. Odd right.... Well moving on

So what happens when you find it again and now you don't know how you feel about it? Or you don't know what to do with it or if you even want to deal with it again? You stand there almost at a cross roads and just stare off into either direction and then what? Where is the divine guidance that we all hope for? Well it doesn't come. Or at least it didn't for me. But as I sat lost in my limbo of swirling certainty my roommate, God love him, tells me a joke about "ass cream on someone's face" This is supposed to make life better? Well oddly enough it somewhat did. How in the hell can you ponder serious life issues after hearing that? I love my roomies....

So now I'm at the point of do I pick up where I left off, do I make it into something new, do I walk away? I guess we'll see. How do you really measure a year anyway?

Till then, no day but today right.....

The Wonders of Dating

Okay so as we all know I'm attempting to date. Attempting would be the oportative word. What is it with these guys anyway?

Here's the story, I'm talking to this guy right. Emails and on-line chats were good so we moved to a phone call. Here's where we crashed and burned. Now let me just put this disclaminer here: I'm pretty up front about my what my job is and my education goal. Since I'm in school and it takes time that could be spent with a potential boyfriend I feel I need to be.

So with that being said back to the converstation last night. It was going along well until he asked about school and I told him that I was working on my MBA. The responce I got was "Well, then you won't want anything to do with me because I only have a high school deploma." What!! I am not one of those people that judge. College isn't for everyone and I do not look down on people. The conversation went down hill after that and ended. But I mean there was no other place for it to go with him being all down on himself for not being "as educated as I am" and yes those were his words. He's right, at this point I don't want anything to do with him since he has such a low opinion of himself.

Okay well, onward. Ciao till next time luvs.

First Dates

Okay So I finally did it, six months after the life altering disaster that was the end of my relationship with who I thought was the love of my life (till they told me "They just didn't fall in love with me") I have finally jumped back into the scene again.

Wow I gotta tell you this is scary to be doing. First you have the normal dating sites that you hear about all over the TV and radio. Yes, ladies and gentleman, step right up!! Give us $50.00 a month and we will help you find true love. There is no refund if it doesn't work and there are no guarantees that you will find someone that you really like. Then there are some free sites that you have no clue are out there till you hear it from a friend of a friend who's sister tried it. In my case, it was part of my interweb family, So I signed up.

So tonight was the first date with one guy, lets call him, D1. There is more then one with the first initial D so they are labeled accordingly. I had fun with D1. He's funny, we have some things in common and he makes me laugh. He's a pretty good kisser too. Kinda caught me off guard with the first kiss, but that is okay, I sometimes like surprises. So I think that maybe we'll have a date II, we'll see if he text's me tomorrow.

Stay tuned, Ciao for now.

The End of the Story

So, I was sitting with my therapist the other day, trying to deal with everything I have to deal with. Working in mental health you get a great EAP plan. :) Anyway, I was telling my tale of woe about the breakup that shattered me (yes, there are the ones that hurt then there is the ONE that shatters you) She recommended that I write the end of the story. Pretend that it was a person in a book and just write it out however I wanted it to end, shoot him in the butt with a gun while chasing him nekkid down Main St, whatever just make it final and then start a new journal.

Okay, I thought to myself this should be easy. So I said to myself "Self, we're going to write a story and make it the end." This is easier said then done, I had done really well not talking to him till that point but I lost it and broke down. I talked to him. As Julia Roberts said to that sales clerk in Pretty Woman "Big Mistake, Hugh" It started okay, then got bad, then got worse, then the death blow. I think it would have been kinder for him to have just shot me and put me out of this misery.

So I started writing and that is where I am for now, writing.....hopefully there will be an end to that soon. I'll keep you posted. But you know, there is something theraputic about writing. Sometimes. Who knows,maybe all this drival can be cleaned up and put into a book. Anyway. That is what is and right now there is no more.

Till next time, Ciao ~J

When life starts looking like a MeatLoaf song

Okay, so I know. Who doesn't love MeatLoaf. I mean really, the man has made it through the test of music time and he rocks. He was also really good in Rocky Horror Picture Show (I love Eddie)

I've come to realize that he's got the song that resembles my life right now, kind of in the haunting Lauren Hill "Killing Me Softly" kind of way. Here's the scene, we're sitting in our office my co-minion and I, have the random cd's going (the Dungeon does not allow for radio signals to penetrate) and on comes MeatLoaf, now normally this makes me feel better. Who doesn't love some "Wasted Youth" or "Rocking Roll Dreams Come True" but alas it was "Two out of Three Ain't Bad"

It makes me sad really that this song reminds me of my life right now. I wonder sometimes if it's just something wrong with me. I've been in love twice, once gave me my daughter. My daughter's father and I had a bad break and because he was the type of person he was at the time he had to tell me that no one was ever going to fall in love with me. I guess it made him feel better for leaving me pregnant. The second time I thought I did everything right. I fell in love with one of my best friends, we had a lot in common, I thought it was working. It turned out to be an even worse break. Everything went wrong. I was left believing what I was told after the first time because what I was told this time was so much worse. There is nothing more destroying to one's self confidence when you are told that no matter how they tried you just weren't enough for them to fall in love with. So with the opinion of the first ex reinforced I was lost, unable to believe in anything.

So what do you do when you hit that wall? You're friends (God love them) tell you all sorts of carp, you're better off, he didn't deserve you, it wasn't time, there will be someone else, maybe you just need to work on you right now. All the carp you don't want to hear. You can't sink into a mind numbing oblivion and just hide under the covers or run away because there is responsibilities that are right there calling your name. Kid, job, Grad School.....life coldly and cruelly just marches on. Everyone (and I mean everyone including Ex #1) was supportive, and why wouldn't they be? They all think I'm wonderful but they're biased and well I used to pay them but with the economy...well ya know. Where do you go when you can't stand to be with yourself? How do you cope with that when all that runs through your mind is that the person you love couldn't love you. Couldn't and didn't become the same thing, well at least with the same result. Someone that you thought you knew becomes a jerk (spelled a@#hole) You loose yourself because you lost what you believed in. You start to question yourself, your friends, your place in this life. Everything starts spinning, faster and faster...so what do you do.

Well you find yourself a therapist and you try to work it all out. Then see what happens and maybe at the end of the day you can face yourself again.

Ciao

Starting this thing

Okay, So I really have no real reason for starting this. I'm bored, I'm heartbroken, I'm working on getting over it.

Here's what I want to know. What is it about guys that makes them think they have to lie at the end of a relationship? They hit you with the BS "I still want to be friends" They know it's BS, you know it's BS. You're so heartbroken that you want to believe it. But I mean really. Why can't they respect you enough to just be honest. The lying hurts more.

So what brings about this question of life....Well, I was dumped by my boyfriend 4ish months ago. It was a "nice" breakup complete with the phrase "I just didn't fall in love with you." Now really, if he was going to be that damn honest with me then why did the lying start right after. Then he hit me with the usual, "it's not you, it's me" and "I'm doing this to save our friendship so that you won't be out of my life completely and hate me" Um well, if that was the case then it really sucks to be him. Actions speak louder then words. Men!! Thank Goodness that all of them are not like that. I used to think that he was one of the good ones. It really hurts that I not only lost someone that I loved deeply but I also lost someone that was one of my closest friends for many years. Lesson in this, don't date your friends, no matter how much of a good idea it seems.

Actually I can't say that. The real lesson in this is communication. Alot of what went wrong was he didn't talk to me until HE decided to end it. I had no part in the decision, no opinion, no chance to anything. If you have to think about major things that effect your life and another's no matter how hard it is, talk to them about it.

So I'm now starting a new journey, I'm trying e-dating. I really suck at dating so I'm sure I'll have stuff to write about. Till next time.....

Ciao