Thursday, April 23, 2009

When life starts looking like a MeatLoaf song

Okay, so I know. Who doesn't love MeatLoaf. I mean really, the man has made it through the test of music time and he rocks. He was also really good in Rocky Horror Picture Show (I love Eddie)

I've come to realize that he's got the song that resembles my life right now, kind of in the haunting Lauren Hill "Killing Me Softly" kind of way. Here's the scene, we're sitting in our office my co-minion and I, have the random cd's going (the Dungeon does not allow for radio signals to penetrate) and on comes MeatLoaf, now normally this makes me feel better. Who doesn't love some "Wasted Youth" or "Rocking Roll Dreams Come True" but alas it was "Two out of Three Ain't Bad"

It makes me sad really that this song reminds me of my life right now. I wonder sometimes if it's just something wrong with me. I've been in love twice, once gave me my daughter. My daughter's father and I had a bad break and because he was the type of person he was at the time he had to tell me that no one was ever going to fall in love with me. I guess it made him feel better for leaving me pregnant. The second time I thought I did everything right. I fell in love with one of my best friends, we had a lot in common, I thought it was working. It turned out to be an even worse break. Everything went wrong. I was left believing what I was told after the first time because what I was told this time was so much worse. There is nothing more destroying to one's self confidence when you are told that no matter how they tried you just weren't enough for them to fall in love with. So with the opinion of the first ex reinforced I was lost, unable to believe in anything.

So what do you do when you hit that wall? You're friends (God love them) tell you all sorts of carp, you're better off, he didn't deserve you, it wasn't time, there will be someone else, maybe you just need to work on you right now. All the carp you don't want to hear. You can't sink into a mind numbing oblivion and just hide under the covers or run away because there is responsibilities that are right there calling your name. Kid, job, Grad coldly and cruelly just marches on. Everyone (and I mean everyone including Ex #1) was supportive, and why wouldn't they be? They all think I'm wonderful but they're biased and well I used to pay them but with the economy...well ya know. Where do you go when you can't stand to be with yourself? How do you cope with that when all that runs through your mind is that the person you love couldn't love you. Couldn't and didn't become the same thing, well at least with the same result. Someone that you thought you knew becomes a jerk (spelled a@#hole) You loose yourself because you lost what you believed in. You start to question yourself, your friends, your place in this life. Everything starts spinning, faster and what do you do.

Well you find yourself a therapist and you try to work it all out. Then see what happens and maybe at the end of the day you can face yourself again.


Friday, April 17, 2009

Starting this thing

Okay, So I really have no real reason for starting this. I'm bored, I'm heartbroken, I'm working on getting over it.

Here's what I want to know. What is it about guys that makes them think they have to lie at the end of a relationship? They hit you with the BS "I still want to be friends" They know it's BS, you know it's BS. You're so heartbroken that you want to believe it. But I mean really. Why can't they respect you enough to just be honest. The lying hurts more.

So what brings about this question of life....Well, I was dumped by my boyfriend 4ish months ago. It was a "nice" breakup complete with the phrase "I just didn't fall in love with you." Now really, if he was going to be that damn honest with me then why did the lying start right after. Then he hit me with the usual, "it's not you, it's me" and "I'm doing this to save our friendship so that you won't be out of my life completely and hate me" Um well, if that was the case then it really sucks to be him. Actions speak louder then words. Men!! Thank Goodness that all of them are not like that. I used to think that he was one of the good ones. It really hurts that I not only lost someone that I loved deeply but I also lost someone that was one of my closest friends for many years. Lesson in this, don't date your friends, no matter how much of a good idea it seems.

Actually I can't say that. The real lesson in this is communication. Alot of what went wrong was he didn't talk to me until HE decided to end it. I had no part in the decision, no opinion, no chance to anything. If you have to think about major things that effect your life and another's no matter how hard it is, talk to them about it.

So I'm now starting a new journey, I'm trying e-dating. I really suck at dating so I'm sure I'll have stuff to write about. Till next time.....