Saturday, October 17, 2009

The past is a ghost, the future a dream, and all we ever have is now. ~Bill Cosby

So that quote by Bill Cosby spoke to me. Especially right now, when I am most broken. I'm not making excuses for being broken, I'm not blaming reasons for it although there are many, I just am because of things that have managed to pile up and guess what....healing is a slow process. So if anyone has a problem with that and my healing process, fuck off. I know that is pretty harsh but hey it's my blog. So back to me since that is the reason I write this. It actually helps.

When you look at it like that, the past can haunt us. I am currently being stalked by the ghost of mine and I'm scared shitless. Meanwhile I'm attempting to control what I dream of the future. Not real fun. So how do we break this loop. I can hear several of my friends whisper "therapy" but they would since they are therapists. Working in mental health is really good sometimes, great EAP, but it can drive you to use them.

Healing is individual to everyone. They have to do it in their own way. Oh I know you're going to say, "But you made your blog public so you must welcome feedback." Well yes I do welcome feedback, when you have something to say. So far I've gotten some great support from my friends and even my own critic, what more could I want out of life? Really.... Well, there is the lotto and a hunky guy....well nixt on the guy, that doesn't matter much.

Recently, I've had someone chastise me on my awesomeness. It happens, If I talk about my own awesomeness then I'm vain. If other people talk about my awesomeness then I'm loved. Unless someone doesn't like me. Then the fact that I might think I'm awesome and others might think I'm awesome are a bad thing, and for goddess sake don't let it cloud your judgment of yourself and your situation least you feel better about yourself after. For those of you that don't know about awesomeness, let me break it down for you. All of us are awesome in our own ways. The people that are our friends see this awesomeness about us and we see it in them. Awesomeness is like Mojo. When you think you've lost it you sure as hell try to get it back. With out it you really don't feel like you, like you are on your A game. Don't believe me? Just go ask Austin Powers, he spent a whole movie chasing after his Mojo, and remember he's a sexy bitch, yeah baby.

Well I recently broke, I "lost" my awesomeness. But let me tell you my friends and I mean all of my friends have a common unique awesomeness, they are supportive. Some of the key things in friendship are supportiveness and understanding. There are alot more things that go into friendships and there are alot of different kinds of friendships around. One thing that really gets me is people telling me what kind of friends I should have. You can only really be friends with people if you see them 2x per week and meet face to face and.....BULLSHIT. I have a wide variety of friends, on-line, off line, some in both places. Some of them I met on line and then in person, some I met in person and can keep up with them on line. It doesn't matter where your friends are location wise, what matters is that when you need something you find out really quick who your real friends are. I know who mine are and I love them dearly.


  1. Well said, honey.

    I am so incredibly lucky to be counted amoung your friends. Your love and support, your kindness and strength, your warmth and your AWESOMENESS all mean the world to me.

    I have no doubt you'll get where you want to go.

    You're too awesome not to.

  2. Wow! I am so glad I am on your friends list. You make me feel special, just because I think you are. Isnt that called a symbiotic type relationship.

    Hey! Spell checker and tabbing and all that good crap work now! I musta had a bad page before.


  3. You make it so easy to be your friend. It would amaze me if someone could not see that. That, in itself, tells of your awesomeness but there are so many other reasons as well -- too many to list here.


  4. Hun, anyone who would tell you such nonsense is NOT awesome and, most likely, is pretty envious of YOUR awesomeness.

    That's just my two cents worth. :D

    Been there

  5. You guys are just wonderful examples of the friends I am blessed with. :)

  6. Hey Miss Awesome! I <3 you. Unfortunately, any time we open ourselves up to the public, there will be those who just can't help criticizing. I wouldn't want to run for public office EVER.

    You're dealing with your issues with strength, courage and wisdom. What more could anyone ask. And as is said in the twelve step program (sorry, those of us in mental health love to quote some of the twelve step platitudes), "this too will pass".


  7. You are so right Angel. Some of the people at my agency will use the 12 steps for anything, what most people don't realize is that it works.

    If I was afraid of the critics then I would make the blog invite only instead of open comment. Hell I don't even screen my comments nor do I have it send me emails to tell me there are comments. If someone is seeing themselves in something I wrote then there is something to be said for that, they need to look to themselves.

  8. For what it's worth, Jay Lee, the times I look back on as the ones that made me what I am today are not necessarily the happiest of times. As Les Brown says, "In the prosperous times, you put it in your pocket. In the lean times, you put it in your heart."