For the most part I have some massive separation going on in my life. I have my work life where I am the successful, confident internal auditor that knows her shit. My home life where I have to balance being Mom (and dad) for my spawn with being a grad student and balance that with being a good daughter to my mom, a good sister, a good friend and roomie, and a whole host of other things. So I juggle. All the balls in the air, all at once and pray that none of them fall.
Luckily, my friends are an awesome support system. I'm lucky in the friends department, I have friends all over, not just the ones I can go see. I have them just an email or a Facebook message away. I am so thankful for that every day, this year more then others really. It seems that this year my world has fallen apart in just about every aspect that it could fall apart in and leave me still standing.
Since the beginning of the year I've been through the break-up from hell in which I lost not only my boyfriend but one of my best friends, my child had numerous issues that had been going on for the last two years but had gotten worse at the beginning of this year (thank God that they have seemed to even out some now) problems with her father that are really too numerous to name (now I must mention that the break-up at the beginning of the year was not with my spawn's father but with someone I loved very much, much more then I thought possible) starting grad school, various problems at work. Basically I felt like my life was one big snow globe and someone decided that just needed to be shaken up. I have to say I've heard some of the most amazing things this year too. From the infamous "I'm sorry I just didn't fall in love with you." to "I hope our daughter realizes what kind of a mother you are for filing for child support against me." to my recent fave, "I'm just not that into you but since I'm having naughty dreams about you..." Okay so the last one is paraphrased but that was basically it. "I don't like you enough to date you but I still think that you're screwable." Gotta love it. Through all of this however were my friends. I honestly don't know if I would have made it through without them.
I had a breakdown this week. A minor one but a breakdown none the less. I don't know if it is because of my stress level with everything or because the headaches are getting worse and the doctor's can't find an reason why or it's just because I have so much on my plate and I really need someone that will hold me at the end of a day from hell and tell me it will be okay. There is only so much one can take and so long that one can be strong before even the strongest fall.
My reaction to falling wasn't smart, it wasn't graceful, hell it wasn't even in the relm of a semi-decent idea but what's done is done. Sure I have regrets. It's how you know you had to make a really hard choice in my opinion. But I had been thinking of taking this action for some time now, I just finally had the motivation to do so. Of course that doesn't make me look any better. What good is thinking through your actions when you come off looking like a jealous, dramatic bitch? Well I was slightly jealous, dramatic not so much, just hurting and tired, so very tired. Tired of trying to pretend that time could go back to what it was before when I knew that it never could or would. Tired of the expectation that I would just "get over it" then we could go back to being friends like before and I would have to again watch the person I was always in love with be with someone else. Most of all tired of being told what I was feeling wasn't what I was feeling, not in so many words. I don't like being this tired.
I can't get over the feeling that I'm trapped. I want to run away but I have no where to run to and no way to really try to run. Is this what desperately burnt out feels like? Well I think so at least. Kelly Clarkson has a new song out. I break every time I hear it. I have no idea what the name of it is. Funny how a song can just sum up what you're feeling isn't it? Supposedly that which does not kill us makes us stronger......I don't know if it does or not. Maybe it does.
I recently posted something on Topix in response to my opinion about a letter in a column. I ended my response with "Go forth and love" great quote...not sure what I was thinking that day, it was before my breakdown. Perhaps I should take my own advice and not be so cynical....but then again being cynical is what I do for a living. I guess there always is tomorrow, and tomorrow is another day.