Sunday, July 12, 2009

Sometimes it just is.....

So I was able to see the last Broadway tour of Rent in Tampa. It was bittersweet at most. Kind of an ending that I wasn't ready for. It started me thinking about other things that have ended recently that I wasn't ready for them to end.

At the beginning of this year I started out with such hope. Things weren't good but I had hoped that they were going to work out. That was killed pretty quick by a break-up, problems with my daughter and as a result several months of being completely lost and depressed. So I went to therapy. Some of my friends think that therapy can fix everything (most of them are therapists themselves) and they are mostly right. I was hoping against hope that therapy would fix this, make it better, make it end. What it did do was make it easier to live with and to hide.

I still get up everyday, I still work, I still laugh, I still move....but the world around me is less bright. You would think after 7 months there would be some improvement, some mending to my heart but no. My heart still aches at empty place that was left in my life. Some things have gotten better, that part hasn't. I've stopped trying to get over it, move past it, or whatever it is that people do. I've stopped trying not to be in love with him anymore because it's not working for me. I'm working on just accepting what I have right now which is my daughter, my friends, work, school and not much else and when I'm alone at night I dream and remember....

At least the world hasn't lost all of it's color, just the sparkle that made it more interesting. At best the core that makes everything worth it is still there. Where does someone go from here? It's not standing still, it's not really moving forward but it's not going back either. To scared to feel because it hurts so bad and to scared not too because if I become too numb then I disappear. What a place to be, my very own purgatory...I always was a really bad catholic.

A friend of mine recently said that she firmly believed that it's better to have loved and lost then to never have loved at all. I really do agree with her. I can honestly say that I only thought that I knew what it was like to be in love before this. This is the real thing. Since it is and there is nothing I can do about it, the only thing to do is try to be as happy as I can be with what I do have left and cherish the memories that I was allowed to make and hope that one day maybe...

Well you know...I was always a sucker for romance novels and a happy ending eventually.

1 comment:

  1. Know what happens after the happy ending? Life.

    Some days it's good, some not so good.

    But remember that nothing is ever as good or as bad as it seems.

    You'll find YOU again soon. And I know she's someone you'll like. I like her!


    Good luck, honey.