And just when I thought life was getting back to normal...

So I'm trying to become a firm believer in "everything happens for a reason" Sometimes I can see the reason, sometimes, more often then not really, I have no fucking clue as to what the possible reason could be.

This happens in my life, my work, you name it. True story, I started talking to a guy. I thought he was a really cool guy. We had an awesome "first date" I guess you would call it. Well, it was awesome to me, he seemed to agree with me or so he said. So awesome first date. Happen to be seen by one of my co-workers, who later asked me about it. So I dished some vague details, name, just started talking. Nothing major. Co-worker in turn told someone else, normally not a big deal but they called me on it like a week later. Okay so whatever, I mean really I'm friends with this person too. So during the course of conversation it comes out that the guy is on my Face Book. Now, I have almost 200 people on my Face Book, I mean really, ya know. But my "friend" says "Maybe I should go and friend request him." To which I replied "No, don't do that." You would think that if someone was your friend they would listen to you. But she did it anyway and when I called her on it the reply was "I just couldn't help myself."

So this happens to coincide with apparently things going crazy where he works and communication between him and I falling off. So needless to say I was in a word, confused. And in another word, pissed. Confused, because I couldn't figure out why he wasn't talking to me so I asked. Pissed because my "friend" did something that I asked her not to do and what I saw as a violation of the girl code.

So now I'm lost, I have to try to express my feelings to my "friend" in a manner that will be understood. I really need a way to get my point across without having to slap her with a clue bat and ask what in the hell she was thinking. I mean I guess she was trying to be helpful but really, I didn't want the help.

And on the other hand I have to figure out if the guy I was "talking" to is being straight with me about why we haven't been talking. I mean I really don't want to jump to conclusions and I don't want to come off sounding like a jealous idiot since I mean really it's only been one date and a few conversations. I would rather just talk to him and say like so, do we still have something here or is what we thought we had over. So in that respect I'm just kinda waiting. I mean, I hope he's mature enough at his age that if he's just not that into me anymore he would just say that.

At the end of the day whatcha gonna do right?

My Mommy

Today is my Mommy's birthday. She has in her own words become an age that she considers unacceptable to speak so we have settled on the all purpose age of "39"

My mom really is my hero, she managed to be a successful single mom way before it was acceptable to be a single mom and always taught me never to give up on my dreams. She also had the task of putting up with me and my sister and my dad through many moves, the first Gulf war and living in Europe for 6 years, without killing any of us.

So to the best mom that I could have and the best grandma that my spawn could have, Happy Birthday.

Love you Mom!!

The end of a Dream

I heard that sometimes you need to let go of one dream to make room for others. I guess I haven't heard anything more true lately.

Not to sound too much like MLK but I had a dream, and it was a nice dream. But it was killed. For a while I was able to live that dream and for that I will always be grateful. That short moment in time when everything was as I thought it should be. The moment that was never meant to last. Perhaps it was there to teach me something. I'm still trying to process all that I have discovered from it and the subsequent events that lead me to today.

Now I have to let that dream go completely and the person with it. That hurts most of all because they were so much a part of every aspect of my life for so long that I am having trouble understanding what my life will now be like without them. I do know that in a lot of ways I became a better person because of them. Hopefully we will find our way back to each other someday and able to recapture the friendship that was such a special part of my life.

And so I go on my way, in search perhaps of new dreams.....or perhaps if they happen to find me. Because life doesn't stop when your dreams end, it just demands that you start dreaming over again. Maybe this time, I'll get lucky....After all life is a Cabaret ol chums, so go to the Cabaret.

Sometimes it just is.....

So I was able to see the last Broadway tour of Rent in Tampa. It was bittersweet at most. Kind of an ending that I wasn't ready for. It started me thinking about other things that have ended recently that I wasn't ready for them to end.

At the beginning of this year I started out with such hope. Things weren't good but I had hoped that they were going to work out. That was killed pretty quick by a break-up, problems with my daughter and as a result several months of being completely lost and depressed. So I went to therapy. Some of my friends think that therapy can fix everything (most of them are therapists themselves) and they are mostly right. I was hoping against hope that therapy would fix this, make it better, make it end. What it did do was make it easier to live with and to hide.

I still get up everyday, I still work, I still laugh, I still move....but the world around me is less bright. You would think after 7 months there would be some improvement, some mending to my heart but no. My heart still aches at empty place that was left in my life. Some things have gotten better, that part hasn't. I've stopped trying to get over it, move past it, or whatever it is that people do. I've stopped trying not to be in love with him anymore because it's not working for me. I'm working on just accepting what I have right now which is my daughter, my friends, work, school and not much else and when I'm alone at night I dream and remember....

At least the world hasn't lost all of it's color, just the sparkle that made it more interesting. At best the core that makes everything worth it is still there. Where does someone go from here? It's not standing still, it's not really moving forward but it's not going back either. To scared to feel because it hurts so bad and to scared not too because if I become too numb then I disappear. What a place to be, my very own purgatory...I always was a really bad catholic.

A friend of mine recently said that she firmly believed that it's better to have loved and lost then to never have loved at all. I really do agree with her. I can honestly say that I only thought that I knew what it was like to be in love before this. This is the real thing. Since it is and there is nothing I can do about it, the only thing to do is try to be as happy as I can be with what I do have left and cherish the memories that I was allowed to make and hope that one day maybe...

Well you know...I was always a sucker for romance novels and a happy ending eventually.

Ton of Bricks

Okay, so it's been a bad week.

I thought that after last night that it might get a little better. I got to talk to my ex-boyfriend/former best friend. It was good since we haven't talked in a little while and it seemed like there might be an opening for some friendship like stuff. Who knows, we'll see.

Fast foward to today, things are going along when the phone rings at work....Now normally this is not something that is going to bring doom and distruction, well sometimes but....I wasn't expecting what I got.

Seems one of my co-workers passed away this morning. Just dropped dead at the Dr's office. So as I'm sitting back trying to process this, the phone rings again....this time not such bad news but disappointing all the same. Now in a 5 minute period there is only so much the human brain can process. However that particular 5 minutes was more then I could handle. So when someone dies like that it just leaves you shocked. So I'm still processing everything. I'm sure after I finish processing I might have something more to say.

Holy Hell!! What a Week

Okay so this has been a shitty week, well it's been a shitty year so far so why should I be surprised that this week is been bad right? Then one of my besties sent me this quote"if you are going through hell, keep going...." and it has now made my day since I am currently making my way through hell and I think I'll pass the next rest stop in search of my exit.

I think that is why I have the friends that I do, they know what to say and when to say it. Right now with all the shit that I have to deal with they know what to say. I have more on my plate then should be there, you would think that with taking a semester off of school things would slow down slightly now however, I should have known better. It is after all my life.

Then there is the bullshit that I have to deal with from the one that offers lies when they are not asked for. I like that actually. It's kinda funny really, you enter into a conversation, don't ask certain questions because you know that the answers would be lies and then they get offered to you anyway. How fucking cool is that, I ask you? At the end you're left with just the bullshit that you've been handed and nothing else to do but laugh your ass off and have another drink.

Ciao luvs

What Happens When You Give Up

Someone once told me that the best way to find what you are looking for is to stop looking for it. I had forgotten that for a while. But I gave up on something and it happened. Odd right.... Well moving on

So what happens when you find it again and now you don't know how you feel about it? Or you don't know what to do with it or if you even want to deal with it again? You stand there almost at a cross roads and just stare off into either direction and then what? Where is the divine guidance that we all hope for? Well it doesn't come. Or at least it didn't for me. But as I sat lost in my limbo of swirling certainty my roommate, God love him, tells me a joke about "ass cream on someone's face" This is supposed to make life better? Well oddly enough it somewhat did. How in the hell can you ponder serious life issues after hearing that? I love my roomies....

So now I'm at the point of do I pick up where I left off, do I make it into something new, do I walk away? I guess we'll see. How do you really measure a year anyway?

Till then, no day but today right.....