New Year's Eve

So today is the last day of 2009. I come upon this day with mixed emotion. I look at everything that has happened in the last year and it makes me sad. This time last year I was upset, one who gets dumped on New Year's Eve usually is. Now to be fair on the off chance that the Ex is actually reading my blog (as if) the official break-up (the words) weren't said until Jan 2nd. I never believed in the old wives tale that said what you were doing on New Year's Eve is what you will be doing for the rest of the year. Until this year that is, I was crying, heartbroken and shattered on New Year's Eve last year and that is pretty much how my year was. So with 2010 upon us I'm determined that I will not spend another year like that.

I was in love....something I'm not sure I can believe in anymore. I trusted, something I find I am unable to do. I have someone on the fringes of my life that is just there because that is where they need to be right now and honestly that is where I need them to be. Every now and then I think about what was lost and feel the pain that goes with it but mostly the anger at the events that took place and the way that they ended. It's always harder when they mean something to you and in the end you meant nothing at all. I work, I try to be the best mom I can be despite certain people telling me otherwise and trying to finish this damn degree.

I'm ready for whatever 2010 has to offer, weather it be a year for just me or if people on the fringes decide to step in. I do know one thing, I will not cry anymore, at least not over that. I read an article recently that said to get over it you had to get rid of everything, emails, texts, im's so tonight I did. And what do you know, tomorrow is another day.

Have a wonderful and safe New Year's Blessed Be.

Christmas time has come.....and gone.

Well, it's December 26th. YAY we made it. (Oh and Happy B-day to my Allie-D, she's amazing) We made past another Christmas!!! Okay I hate to say it like that but you know, since I had my spawn I look at this holiday a lot different then I did before. This year, like all other years my spawn got a case of the "I wannas" and the "Gimmies" These are two terminal illnesses that effect children of all ages. I even got a mild case of it myself on Christmas Day but at least it was for eatable things.

So back to what I was saying. Spawn and I had to go out on Christmas Eve for a last minute gift. I had neglected to get my roomie her gift and well, there it was. So there we were in the Books-A-Million in the mall after finding the book in question (she's going to make wonderful things from it) standing in line waiting to check out and every other word out of her mouth was "I want" or "Can you buy me" so I turned to her and uttered the words that cracked up the entire line. "You know this is Christmas Eve, I told you I'm not buying anything for you since Santa is coming tonight. Don't make me text or FaceBook him in the middle of his run to take back your presents." Yes guys I said it, I threatened to FaceBook Santa on my spawn. Bad thing is that Santa really has a FaceBook page where you can leave messages.  Welcome to the here and now when I can have Santa on FaceBook and friends of mine that will send text and pretend to be Santa for me. Good thing the spawn doesn't read my blog right.

So on Christmas Eve I got a surprise phone call from Vader......how special. First time in four months that I've heard from him. He ended up seeing the spawn today for the first time since the end of May. Christmas miracle or attack of guilt? Who knows, he's supposed to be leaving town again at the beginning of the month. I can't believe that I used to love someone so much only to dislike them so intensely now, but there really is a thin line between love and hate.

Speaking of love, I'm not in it anymore. YAY me I think. Bad thing is I'm not liking what is happening in the mean time. There is someone that I like on several levels, I'm attracted to but I don't think that I could ever fall in love with. I don't know that I could ever trust anyone enough again to fall in love. There is a part of me now that looks at people and wonders how much of what they say is a lie. I met someone several months ago, I personally think he's amazing. He makes me laugh and he makes me feel like me again. I just don't know where or what it means. I think I need to be friends first, really be friends, it it's going to be anything. We'll see, I do know one thing, damn he can kiss. :) Ya I know but sometimes you just gotta find out.

Here comes the new year in a week. I can't wait to see what is in store for me. I know for certain that it will be better then last year. I'm looking forward to it.

The Holidays

Okay so we have made it through Thanksgiving, battled our way through Black Friday and have dove headlong into the holiday season. I can't believe that this year has gone so fast and so much has changed in both my life and my spawn's.

It gives me pause some of the changes that have been forced upon us because a few of them were not good (at least in my opinion) and had I been asked about them prior they would have been handled differently. I miss the person I used to be. The one that saw the good in people instead of the bad right off. I'm trying to get to that place again.

So here we are again at Christmas, may this one be better then last year. At least I'll actually be where I'm wanted instead of the farce I endured last year. I will have my spawn with me this year and will be spending time with family and friends and have special plans for Christmas Eve. Better then last year already.

Time, it seems, not only heals but shines a really big spotlight on situations allowing you to see things for what they were not just what the emotions would let us remember them as. I would like to remember some great romance with the love of my life. What I got was a hard lesson, one I doubt I will ever forget. While I was in love and hopeful and trying to be not broken, he was never in love (well with me anyway) broken in his own ways, and emotional not involved in the relationship I mistakenly thought we had. If he ever stops working long enough and is honest enough with himself to fix what his own issues are then he stands a chance at being happy. I wish that for him. I really do hope that one day he stops being so careless with the people in his life.

Vader has also departed for parts unknown, I'm told he's not currently in the state but my information is a week old and could be wrong by this time. What isn't wrong is he hasn't seen our spawn since the end of May and I have spoken to him since Aug. I'm sincerely hoping that he doesn't just show up around Christmas and decide that he's taking her. That would be bad. Really bad, like having to call the cops bad.

After Christmas we'll deal with New Year's, Dear God please let this one be better then last year. Oh wait, I don't have a boyfriend to basically dump me on New Year's Eve so that right there will be better. 2010 will be a better year, I'm going to just claim it now. Things will get better, time will continue to heal and life will go on. That's the way it always goes and if it doesn't there is always cookies.

So here we go toward the first of the year. Who knows if I'm going to get to post again between now and here so a toast for the new year, May you live life to the fullest, love with all you have and laugh often.

If Men were like Coffee

Okay so I was in the car with my roomie K today and we were talking about various things including soda and coffee. I've had migraines lately and can not drink coffee while I have them. YAY, um not!! If any of you know me well, you know that morning cup of coffee is a must So I made the statement to K "You know, I love coffee and it's pissing me off that I can't drink it. In fact, if coffee were a man I would so marry him." Thus the idea was born. So K asked "Um, So you're saying you want your man dark, rich and strong?" So I went on with it. I agreed that a tan is good (I do after all live in Fl), Rich works and Strong is always a good thing. Then I expanded, you can add cream to control the color of the tan (remember we are really talking about coffee here) sugar to control the sweetness (and that would translate in to the romance level), and you could choose Caff or De-caff or half and half (and this would translate into high energy, low energy or that mixture that I prefer)

So if I were making my coffee into a man I would have a med tan, med sugar, half caff/half decaff. So I've decided that I'm going to look for a guy that reminds me of my coffee. Nothing else seems to be working so this can't be that bad of an approach. And no I can't say exactly when I'm going to get off my ass and really try to start dating either. I also recently say something about some guy in O-Town putting himself on a billboard off of I-4 to get dates. I can't say that I'll ever be that desperate but I do hope to one day be not this busy. In all reality dating may just have to wait until after I finish school, and really that is okay. It just gives me more time to work on me. But in case someone comes along in the meantime that's okay too.

Oh and I did promise in my last post to talk about cookies in my next post so, "Come to the Dark Side, we have cookies." Holiday cookie baking season is officially under way, updates and pictures in the next post.

Ciao

My Roomies

Okay so today is the roomies' anniversary.  YAY they made it to 13!!! Personally with my view of relationships anyone that makes it to marriage and stays that way is doing pretty good. The roomies have had issues and instead of what seems to be the social norm of cutting and splitting  they have stuck it out. Having known both of them for the duration of this adventure that they call their marriage I can honestly say that I can only hope one day I find the same sticking power. They really would be lost without each other, although neither of them would admit that. They still remain the only people I know that got married in a movie theater. (Yes I really meant a movie theater)

So to my beloved PAC and KJC Happy Anniversary, we'll revisit this again next year for 14.

“Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.” Maria Robinson

So I'm starting with another quote. This one from Maria Robinson, although I must admit I had no clue who she was when I found the quote so I had to go look her up. Google is your friend boys and girls. So I found that she's a writer and a blogger and such. Well since I've never heard of her before it surprised me that the quote affected me so. But considering the past year and everything that has happened I guess it falls in line with everything else.

This is my time to ditch the past and stop letting it haunt me and bind me with fear. My life moves at a pace that is almost too fast for even me to keep up with. It's easy to get overwhelmed. It was recently assumed that because the overwhelming nature of everything was finally getting to me that I was depressed. Well, thanks for the observation but sorry, no I'm not depressed. Depression is easy to fix, being overwhelmed not so much.

So off I go, work is hell and that is a hell that is not going to end soon but I WILL deal with it dammit. School is also hell, the schedule is insane but I have 18 more months. They are most likely going to be the hardest 18 months of my school endover. But at the end my bright shiney MBA and a LHRM. YAY letters behind my name. The issues that my daughter is experiencing... (sigh) I can only pray that they will get better and the team of people that I have working with me can help make a difference. I'm trying to put my life back together so that I can have that new ending that Maria Robinson was talking about in her quote. I also keep getting tugs from my past. I truely wonder if there are certain people that we are just connected to regardless of our desire to be connected or not.

We're moving forward into the holiday season. This is a time of joy, happiness and giving for most people and a time of saddness for others. A time that we remeber those that we are close to, reach out to those we haven't talked to and miss those that are no longer with us for whatever reason they are gone. This year is going to be so different from last year. I'm hoping that it will be better, without the heartbreak that last year brought. Since this is the time of year that my life started falling apart last year, perhaps this year it's  going to start coming back together.... (sigh) One can hope, I can hope. Hell with hope, It WILL be better. Mind over matter and all that jazz

So I'm going to make my new ending. Because I guess Scarlett O'Hara was right after all, Tomorrow really is another day.

Okay and that is enough of my rambling about the meaning of life.....my next post just might be about cookies...Stay tuned....

My Alley Cat

I lost my Alley the day before my birthday. At least I was with him, petting him when he went. I hate it when a pet dies. My Alley was with me all through my pregnancy with my spawn, through Vader leaving, through my AA and my BA, through the most recent ex leaving....he was always there to lay on me and purr. What can I say, he was my baby before I had my baby. I'll miss him a alot. I know that he was without a doubt the best cat I've ever had. I'm going to miss my baby cat, because what a kitty was he.