Happy Halloween

There are alot of people that think that Halloween is a bad thing. Okay well maybe they are right. Getting kids high on sugar does have after effects and I am coming to appreciate this wisdom now that I am a parent. However I remember getting to go trick or treating with my mom and she dressed up right along with me. So tonight on All Hollows Eve I am contunig the tradition that I was taught and I am dressing up right along with my spawn to take her trick or treating. Hopefully it will increase her candy intake so she can share with me. One day when she has her own children she too will be able to look back and remember what her mom did with her like I can do with mine and it will help to make her a better parent as it has done me.

We tried pumpkin carving this year, it was my roomie's idea. This is a picture of the little pumpkins that my nephew, my spawn and I did. I really liked this way better. Carving the real thing was gooey and messy and icky but it was really cool at the end.


I hope every one has a happy and safe Halloween, Blessed Be and remember do as ye will and harm ye none.

The past is a ghost, the future a dream, and all we ever have is now. ~Bill Cosby

So that quote by Bill Cosby spoke to me. Especially right now, when I am most broken. I'm not making excuses for being broken, I'm not blaming reasons for it although there are many, I just am because of things that have managed to pile up and guess what....healing is a slow process. So if anyone has a problem with that and my healing process, fuck off. I know that is pretty harsh but hey it's my blog. So back to me since that is the reason I write this. It actually helps.

When you look at it like that, the past can haunt us. I am currently being stalked by the ghost of mine and I'm scared shitless. Meanwhile I'm attempting to control what I dream of the future. Not real fun. So how do we break this loop. I can hear several of my friends whisper "therapy" but they would since they are therapists. Working in mental health is really good sometimes, great EAP, but it can drive you to use them.

Healing is individual to everyone. They have to do it in their own way. Oh I know you're going to say, "But you made your blog public so you must welcome feedback." Well yes I do welcome feedback, when you have something to say. So far I've gotten some great support from my friends and even my own critic, what more could I want out of life? Really.... Well, there is the lotto and a hunky guy....well nixt on the guy, that doesn't matter much.

Recently, I've had someone chastise me on my awesomeness. It happens, If I talk about my own awesomeness then I'm vain. If other people talk about my awesomeness then I'm loved. Unless someone doesn't like me. Then the fact that I might think I'm awesome and others might think I'm awesome are a bad thing, and for goddess sake don't let it cloud your judgment of yourself and your situation least you feel better about yourself after. For those of you that don't know about awesomeness, let me break it down for you. All of us are awesome in our own ways. The people that are our friends see this awesomeness about us and we see it in them. Awesomeness is like Mojo. When you think you've lost it you sure as hell try to get it back. With out it you really don't feel like you, like you are on your A game. Don't believe me? Just go ask Austin Powers, he spent a whole movie chasing after his Mojo, and remember he's a sexy bitch, yeah baby.

Well I recently broke, I "lost" my awesomeness. But let me tell you my friends and I mean all of my friends have a common unique awesomeness, they are supportive. Some of the key things in friendship are supportiveness and understanding. There are alot more things that go into friendships and there are alot of different kinds of friendships around. One thing that really gets me is people telling me what kind of friends I should have. You can only really be friends with people if you see them 2x per week and meet face to face and.....BULLSHIT. I have a wide variety of friends, on-line, off line, some in both places. Some of them I met on line and then in person, some I met in person and can keep up with them on line. It doesn't matter where your friends are location wise, what matters is that when you need something you find out really quick who your real friends are. I know who mine are and I love them dearly.

Things that make you go hmmm.......

Okay so as I detailed somewhat in a recent post, I broke. Since then I have gotten the gorilla glue out (It's better then super glue boys and girls) and started putting myself back together.

I used to like myself. I'm not sure I like where I am with myself right now but for the most part I suppose that I'm okay. My friends think I'm awesome. I think that they are biased and no I don't pay them but perhaps I should. Number 5467 on my "When I win the lotto list" is: Pay my friends for thinking I'm awesome. Kidding but seriously, my friends do think that I'm all these things that I just don't see. I guess it gets lost some where in just being me.

I'm spending alot of time just trying to maintain. Not really do anything more then that. I know right now that I'm really not going to be happy so I'm trying to just be okay. Does that even make sense? Everyone is running around trying to run in the race called life and it moves so fast. But what do we really do? Is anyone really happy or are they merely content with the way things are? What is happy? Trying to answer that question is almost as puzzling to me as trying to figure out why in the hell someone swears that they are done with something, say a group of people, yet that is what they blog about. It makes no sense to me. I guess it just gets chalked up to human nature. 

Human nature.......the thing that brings people together, that drives people apart. The words bring to mind the best and the worst that people have to offer. It's what makes people go on-line and become who they are not when away from the screen and keyboard. It's what allows for survival of the fittest or the luckiest whichever it happens to be. It allows for the little quirks that make us who we are. The things that make us individuals. I'm trying to reconnect with mine. Trying to refind what makes me, well, me. If anyone knows where I have disappeared to, then please let me know or send me back home, I really am looking for myself.

Until I really rediscover myself again I just run along my little path, kind of like a hamster in a wheel. And try to remember what it was like to be me before, when I was whole. Till then I'm a work in progress, but aren't we all?

When you look what do you see? Look into my eyes, can you really see me?

Is there anything left of this soul to be the person that I was meant to be? 

The heart shattered, the soul torn to shreds, hollow eyes gaze upon life with nothing but dread. 

Waiting for the light to show me the way, not realizing that it is my journey to stay.

Not to run but to repair, the heart, the soul that lay shredded there. 

Only then can you really see, when you look in my eyes you will see me. JLF

When Things Happen, you have your friends

For the most part I have some massive separation going on in my life. I have my work life where I am the successful, confident internal auditor that knows her shit. My home life where I have to balance being Mom (and dad) for my spawn with being a grad student and balance that with being a good daughter to my mom, a good sister, a good friend and roomie, and a whole host of other things. So I juggle. All the balls in the air, all at once and pray that none of them fall.

Luckily, my friends are an awesome support system. I'm lucky in the friends department, I have friends all over, not just the ones I can go see. I have them just an email or a Facebook message away. I am so thankful for that every day, this year more then others really. It seems that this year my world has fallen apart in just about every aspect that it could fall apart in and leave me still standing.

Since the beginning of the year I've been through the break-up from hell in which I lost not only my boyfriend but one of my best friends, my child had numerous issues that had been going on for the last two years but had gotten worse at the beginning of this year (thank God that they have seemed to even out some now) problems with her father that are really too numerous to name (now I must mention that the break-up at the beginning of the year was not with my spawn's father but with someone I loved very much, much more then I thought possible) starting grad school, various problems at work. Basically I felt like my life was one big snow globe and someone decided that just needed to be shaken up. I have to say I've heard some of the most amazing things this year too. From the infamous "I'm sorry I just didn't fall in love with you." to "I hope our daughter realizes what kind of a mother you are for filing for child support against me." to my recent fave, "I'm just not that into you but since I'm having naughty dreams about you..." Okay so the last one is paraphrased but that was basically it. "I don't like you enough to date you but I still think that you're screwable." Gotta love it. Through all of this however were my friends. I honestly don't know if I would have made it through without them.

I had a breakdown this week. A minor one but a breakdown none the less. I don't know if it is because of my stress level with everything or because the headaches are getting worse and the doctor's can't find an reason why or it's just because I have so much on my plate and I really need someone that will hold me at the end of a day from hell and tell me it will be okay. There is only so much one can take and so long that one can be strong before even the strongest fall.

My reaction to falling wasn't smart, it wasn't graceful, hell it wasn't even in the relm of a semi-decent idea but what's done is done. Sure I have regrets. It's how you know you had to make a really hard choice in my opinion. But I had been thinking of taking this action for some time now, I just finally had the motivation to do so. Of course that doesn't make me look any better. What good is thinking through your actions when you come off looking like a jealous, dramatic bitch? Well I was slightly jealous, dramatic not so much, just hurting and tired, so very tired. Tired of trying to pretend that time could go back to what it was before when I knew that it never could or would. Tired of the expectation that I would just "get over it" then we could go back to being friends like before and I would have to again watch the person I was always in love with be with someone else.  Most of all tired of being told what I was feeling wasn't what I was feeling, not in so many words. I don't like being this tired.

I can't get over the feeling that I'm trapped. I want to run away but I have no where to run to and no way to really try to run. Is this what desperately burnt out feels like? Well I think so at least. Kelly Clarkson has a new song out. I break every time I hear it. I have no idea what the name of it is. Funny how a song can just sum up what you're feeling isn't it? Supposedly that which does not kill us makes us stronger......I don't know if it does or not. Maybe it does.

I recently posted something on Topix in response to my opinion about a letter in a column. I ended my response with "Go forth and love" great quote...not sure what I was thinking that day, it was before my breakdown. Perhaps I should take my own advice and not be so cynical....but then again being cynical is what I do for a living. I guess there always is tomorrow, and tomorrow is another day.

The end of a really long day

So as many of you know (or maybe don't know) I'm a compliance auditor by trade. I know that sounds like a mostly boring job but hey someone has to get around to checking standards and following up on billing and all that other boring shit that I manage to do during the day. Part of what I do is prepare for external review. Now most of the external reviews are pretty routine. These are the same people that come in every quarter and we have the requirements known. Hey, someone has to sit with these people.

About once a year comes in the "Evil Demon Spawn of Hell". These are the people that really put me through the paces of an external audit. I think that the only thing worse would be a full blown IRS audit. For the last three years of these people coming in I have sat down after the audit was done and cried. Not because we had done badly but because this is just how stressful this particular audit is. What makes it even worse is that the actual reviewers for this audit are really nice but really to the letter of the standard, all black and white, no gray areas.

Now for the last 5 years I was able to end this really stressful, really bad audit with a phone call to a friend that would make me feel better. I miss that friend since I no longer have them in my life. For the first time in 5 years, I ended this audit and had no one to call. So in the absence of my person that made me feel better I went home and tried to chill, but I guess there was something in the air since my spawn decided to be off the chain tonight. I would bother to wonder where her father is on days like this but I really don't care and I really can't handle any more today.

So we are finally at the end of the day. My spawn has calmed down and gone to bed. My audit is over, not as wonderful as I would have liked but a great improvement over last year. I am here trying to accomplish my homework. I miss my friend, they always gave really good hugs when I was really stressed. But life goes on and there is always tomorrow. I get to do the internal auditor thing all over again because no matter what this week felt like already there still is two more days left before I can get to a weekend but at least I'm almost there.

Random Thoughts

So there is always something going on in my life that is a little off the wall. Nothing majorly off the wall mind you, just a little. My kid acting out, giving people second chances, deciding that yellow really isn't your color after all.....

I think my fave thing happened today, my spawn said to me after I picked her up "Hey Mommy, can we have a girls night." I love that she is finally old enough to really have these. I get a real conversation with her.

This is the fun time of parenting for me. I get to watch the world through her eyes and it's not all cynical and jaded as it is through mine. She makes me believe in hope and love and faeries and happy endings again.I wouldn't trade this time for anything in the world.

OMFG

Okay someone please explain to me why people suck so damn bad?? So here we go. If asked a direct question, you would expect a direct answer right? Oh hell to the no, that would be too effing much like right. 

So, this guy started talking to me, and everything was okay for a time. We had a date and it seemed okay. So ya know I'm thinking that maybe this might go to a second date. Oh holy shit I thought about a second date, effing sue my dumb ass. So he goes from massive communication to none....okay, this is strange. So I ask, is there a reason we're not talking. I get the work excuse. "I've been really busy at work." I get how that can be so ya know. I don't think too much of it. We talk a few times, exchange a few texts, and I'm thinking ya know I should ask like what is going on. So I send the what the hell email. 

Okay so I don't word it like that, I'm a little nicer. I basically say that if he's just not that into me anymore, could he just tell me that. I get a response back of more work issues. No real answer to my question, just that. So I get another call later on in the week and I ask straight out, so like am I ever going to see you again? And he's like ya, when I get the work stuff straightened out. 

So today, I get word from a mutual friend that he says he's just not that into me. So ya jackass, I got your message, you could have told me your damn self. I can't stand guys that say, "Communication and honesty are really big things to me" and then pull this shit. Stop effing lying. I don't give two shits that he didn't want to date me, I'm more pissed that he couldn't tell me that. I'm so glad that I don't deserve that damn respect to my damn face. There is a text, phone call, email, or effing face book (well not anymore because I removed him from my friends) he could have told me and what's worse is I asked. 

Oh well, I don't have time for this shit. I have homework to do and a kid to feed and an audit to finish and all that other shit that I do with my life. Who needs one jerk that is going to waste my damn time. Besides I'm sure that there will be someone else that comes along, there always is.