Sometimes it just is.....

So I was able to see the last Broadway tour of Rent in Tampa. It was bittersweet at most. Kind of an ending that I wasn't ready for. It started me thinking about other things that have ended recently that I wasn't ready for them to end.

At the beginning of this year I started out with such hope. Things weren't good but I had hoped that they were going to work out. That was killed pretty quick by a break-up, problems with my daughter and as a result several months of being completely lost and depressed. So I went to therapy. Some of my friends think that therapy can fix everything (most of them are therapists themselves) and they are mostly right. I was hoping against hope that therapy would fix this, make it better, make it end. What it did do was make it easier to live with and to hide.

I still get up everyday, I still work, I still laugh, I still move....but the world around me is less bright. You would think after 7 months there would be some improvement, some mending to my heart but no. My heart still aches at empty place that was left in my life. Some things have gotten better, that part hasn't. I've stopped trying to get over it, move past it, or whatever it is that people do. I've stopped trying not to be in love with him anymore because it's not working for me. I'm working on just accepting what I have right now which is my daughter, my friends, work, school and not much else and when I'm alone at night I dream and remember....

At least the world hasn't lost all of it's color, just the sparkle that made it more interesting. At best the core that makes everything worth it is still there. Where does someone go from here? It's not standing still, it's not really moving forward but it's not going back either. To scared to feel because it hurts so bad and to scared not too because if I become too numb then I disappear. What a place to be, my very own purgatory...I always was a really bad catholic.

A friend of mine recently said that she firmly believed that it's better to have loved and lost then to never have loved at all. I really do agree with her. I can honestly say that I only thought that I knew what it was like to be in love before this. This is the real thing. Since it is and there is nothing I can do about it, the only thing to do is try to be as happy as I can be with what I do have left and cherish the memories that I was allowed to make and hope that one day maybe...

Well you know...I was always a sucker for romance novels and a happy ending eventually.

Ton of Bricks

Okay, so it's been a bad week.

I thought that after last night that it might get a little better. I got to talk to my ex-boyfriend/former best friend. It was good since we haven't talked in a little while and it seemed like there might be an opening for some friendship like stuff. Who knows, we'll see.

Fast foward to today, things are going along when the phone rings at work....Now normally this is not something that is going to bring doom and distruction, well sometimes but....I wasn't expecting what I got.

Seems one of my co-workers passed away this morning. Just dropped dead at the Dr's office. So as I'm sitting back trying to process this, the phone rings again....this time not such bad news but disappointing all the same. Now in a 5 minute period there is only so much the human brain can process. However that particular 5 minutes was more then I could handle. So when someone dies like that it just leaves you shocked. So I'm still processing everything. I'm sure after I finish processing I might have something more to say.

Holy Hell!! What a Week

Okay so this has been a shitty week, well it's been a shitty year so far so why should I be surprised that this week is been bad right? Then one of my besties sent me this quote"if you are going through hell, keep going...." and it has now made my day since I am currently making my way through hell and I think I'll pass the next rest stop in search of my exit.

I think that is why I have the friends that I do, they know what to say and when to say it. Right now with all the shit that I have to deal with they know what to say. I have more on my plate then should be there, you would think that with taking a semester off of school things would slow down slightly now however, I should have known better. It is after all my life.

Then there is the bullshit that I have to deal with from the one that offers lies when they are not asked for. I like that actually. It's kinda funny really, you enter into a conversation, don't ask certain questions because you know that the answers would be lies and then they get offered to you anyway. How fucking cool is that, I ask you? At the end you're left with just the bullshit that you've been handed and nothing else to do but laugh your ass off and have another drink.

Ciao luvs

What Happens When You Give Up

Someone once told me that the best way to find what you are looking for is to stop looking for it. I had forgotten that for a while. But I gave up on something and it happened. Odd right.... Well moving on

So what happens when you find it again and now you don't know how you feel about it? Or you don't know what to do with it or if you even want to deal with it again? You stand there almost at a cross roads and just stare off into either direction and then what? Where is the divine guidance that we all hope for? Well it doesn't come. Or at least it didn't for me. But as I sat lost in my limbo of swirling certainty my roommate, God love him, tells me a joke about "ass cream on someone's face" This is supposed to make life better? Well oddly enough it somewhat did. How in the hell can you ponder serious life issues after hearing that? I love my roomies....

So now I'm at the point of do I pick up where I left off, do I make it into something new, do I walk away? I guess we'll see. How do you really measure a year anyway?

Till then, no day but today right.....

The Wonders of Dating

Okay so as we all know I'm attempting to date. Attempting would be the oportative word. What is it with these guys anyway?

Here's the story, I'm talking to this guy right. Emails and on-line chats were good so we moved to a phone call. Here's where we crashed and burned. Now let me just put this disclaminer here: I'm pretty up front about my what my job is and my education goal. Since I'm in school and it takes time that could be spent with a potential boyfriend I feel I need to be.

So with that being said back to the converstation last night. It was going along well until he asked about school and I told him that I was working on my MBA. The responce I got was "Well, then you won't want anything to do with me because I only have a high school deploma." What!! I am not one of those people that judge. College isn't for everyone and I do not look down on people. The conversation went down hill after that and ended. But I mean there was no other place for it to go with him being all down on himself for not being "as educated as I am" and yes those were his words. He's right, at this point I don't want anything to do with him since he has such a low opinion of himself.

Okay well, onward. Ciao till next time luvs.

First Dates

Okay So I finally did it, six months after the life altering disaster that was the end of my relationship with who I thought was the love of my life (till they told me "They just didn't fall in love with me") I have finally jumped back into the scene again.

Wow I gotta tell you this is scary to be doing. First you have the normal dating sites that you hear about all over the TV and radio. Yes, ladies and gentleman, step right up!! Give us $50.00 a month and we will help you find true love. There is no refund if it doesn't work and there are no guarantees that you will find someone that you really like. Then there are some free sites that you have no clue are out there till you hear it from a friend of a friend who's sister tried it. In my case, it was part of my interweb family, So I signed up.

So tonight was the first date with one guy, lets call him, D1. There is more then one with the first initial D so they are labeled accordingly. I had fun with D1. He's funny, we have some things in common and he makes me laugh. He's a pretty good kisser too. Kinda caught me off guard with the first kiss, but that is okay, I sometimes like surprises. So I think that maybe we'll have a date II, we'll see if he text's me tomorrow.

Stay tuned, Ciao for now.

The End of the Story

So, I was sitting with my therapist the other day, trying to deal with everything I have to deal with. Working in mental health you get a great EAP plan. :) Anyway, I was telling my tale of woe about the breakup that shattered me (yes, there are the ones that hurt then there is the ONE that shatters you) She recommended that I write the end of the story. Pretend that it was a person in a book and just write it out however I wanted it to end, shoot him in the butt with a gun while chasing him nekkid down Main St, whatever just make it final and then start a new journal.

Okay, I thought to myself this should be easy. So I said to myself "Self, we're going to write a story and make it the end." This is easier said then done, I had done really well not talking to him till that point but I lost it and broke down. I talked to him. As Julia Roberts said to that sales clerk in Pretty Woman "Big Mistake, Hugh" It started okay, then got bad, then got worse, then the death blow. I think it would have been kinder for him to have just shot me and put me out of this misery.

So I started writing and that is where I am for now, writing.....hopefully there will be an end to that soon. I'll keep you posted. But you know, there is something theraputic about writing. Sometimes. Who knows,maybe all this drival can be cleaned up and put into a book. Anyway. That is what is and right now there is no more.

Till next time, Ciao ~J