When Things Happen, you have your friends

For the most part I have some massive separation going on in my life. I have my work life where I am the successful, confident internal auditor that knows her shit. My home life where I have to balance being Mom (and dad) for my spawn with being a grad student and balance that with being a good daughter to my mom, a good sister, a good friend and roomie, and a whole host of other things. So I juggle. All the balls in the air, all at once and pray that none of them fall.

Luckily, my friends are an awesome support system. I'm lucky in the friends department, I have friends all over, not just the ones I can go see. I have them just an email or a Facebook message away. I am so thankful for that every day, this year more then others really. It seems that this year my world has fallen apart in just about every aspect that it could fall apart in and leave me still standing.

Since the beginning of the year I've been through the break-up from hell in which I lost not only my boyfriend but one of my best friends, my child had numerous issues that had been going on for the last two years but had gotten worse at the beginning of this year (thank God that they have seemed to even out some now) problems with her father that are really too numerous to name (now I must mention that the break-up at the beginning of the year was not with my spawn's father but with someone I loved very much, much more then I thought possible) starting grad school, various problems at work. Basically I felt like my life was one big snow globe and someone decided that just needed to be shaken up. I have to say I've heard some of the most amazing things this year too. From the infamous "I'm sorry I just didn't fall in love with you." to "I hope our daughter realizes what kind of a mother you are for filing for child support against me." to my recent fave, "I'm just not that into you but since I'm having naughty dreams about you..." Okay so the last one is paraphrased but that was basically it. "I don't like you enough to date you but I still think that you're screwable." Gotta love it. Through all of this however were my friends. I honestly don't know if I would have made it through without them.

I had a breakdown this week. A minor one but a breakdown none the less. I don't know if it is because of my stress level with everything or because the headaches are getting worse and the doctor's can't find an reason why or it's just because I have so much on my plate and I really need someone that will hold me at the end of a day from hell and tell me it will be okay. There is only so much one can take and so long that one can be strong before even the strongest fall.

My reaction to falling wasn't smart, it wasn't graceful, hell it wasn't even in the relm of a semi-decent idea but what's done is done. Sure I have regrets. It's how you know you had to make a really hard choice in my opinion. But I had been thinking of taking this action for some time now, I just finally had the motivation to do so. Of course that doesn't make me look any better. What good is thinking through your actions when you come off looking like a jealous, dramatic bitch? Well I was slightly jealous, dramatic not so much, just hurting and tired, so very tired. Tired of trying to pretend that time could go back to what it was before when I knew that it never could or would. Tired of the expectation that I would just "get over it" then we could go back to being friends like before and I would have to again watch the person I was always in love with be with someone else.  Most of all tired of being told what I was feeling wasn't what I was feeling, not in so many words. I don't like being this tired.

I can't get over the feeling that I'm trapped. I want to run away but I have no where to run to and no way to really try to run. Is this what desperately burnt out feels like? Well I think so at least. Kelly Clarkson has a new song out. I break every time I hear it. I have no idea what the name of it is. Funny how a song can just sum up what you're feeling isn't it? Supposedly that which does not kill us makes us stronger......I don't know if it does or not. Maybe it does.

I recently posted something on Topix in response to my opinion about a letter in a column. I ended my response with "Go forth and love" great quote...not sure what I was thinking that day, it was before my breakdown. Perhaps I should take my own advice and not be so cynical....but then again being cynical is what I do for a living. I guess there always is tomorrow, and tomorrow is another day.

The end of a really long day

So as many of you know (or maybe don't know) I'm a compliance auditor by trade. I know that sounds like a mostly boring job but hey someone has to get around to checking standards and following up on billing and all that other boring shit that I manage to do during the day. Part of what I do is prepare for external review. Now most of the external reviews are pretty routine. These are the same people that come in every quarter and we have the requirements known. Hey, someone has to sit with these people.

About once a year comes in the "Evil Demon Spawn of Hell". These are the people that really put me through the paces of an external audit. I think that the only thing worse would be a full blown IRS audit. For the last three years of these people coming in I have sat down after the audit was done and cried. Not because we had done badly but because this is just how stressful this particular audit is. What makes it even worse is that the actual reviewers for this audit are really nice but really to the letter of the standard, all black and white, no gray areas.

Now for the last 5 years I was able to end this really stressful, really bad audit with a phone call to a friend that would make me feel better. I miss that friend since I no longer have them in my life. For the first time in 5 years, I ended this audit and had no one to call. So in the absence of my person that made me feel better I went home and tried to chill, but I guess there was something in the air since my spawn decided to be off the chain tonight. I would bother to wonder where her father is on days like this but I really don't care and I really can't handle any more today.

So we are finally at the end of the day. My spawn has calmed down and gone to bed. My audit is over, not as wonderful as I would have liked but a great improvement over last year. I am here trying to accomplish my homework. I miss my friend, they always gave really good hugs when I was really stressed. But life goes on and there is always tomorrow. I get to do the internal auditor thing all over again because no matter what this week felt like already there still is two more days left before I can get to a weekend but at least I'm almost there.

Random Thoughts

So there is always something going on in my life that is a little off the wall. Nothing majorly off the wall mind you, just a little. My kid acting out, giving people second chances, deciding that yellow really isn't your color after all.....

I think my fave thing happened today, my spawn said to me after I picked her up "Hey Mommy, can we have a girls night." I love that she is finally old enough to really have these. I get a real conversation with her.

This is the fun time of parenting for me. I get to watch the world through her eyes and it's not all cynical and jaded as it is through mine. She makes me believe in hope and love and faeries and happy endings again.I wouldn't trade this time for anything in the world.

OMFG

Okay someone please explain to me why people suck so damn bad?? So here we go. If asked a direct question, you would expect a direct answer right? Oh hell to the no, that would be too effing much like right. 

So, this guy started talking to me, and everything was okay for a time. We had a date and it seemed okay. So ya know I'm thinking that maybe this might go to a second date. Oh holy shit I thought about a second date, effing sue my dumb ass. So he goes from massive communication to none....okay, this is strange. So I ask, is there a reason we're not talking. I get the work excuse. "I've been really busy at work." I get how that can be so ya know. I don't think too much of it. We talk a few times, exchange a few texts, and I'm thinking ya know I should ask like what is going on. So I send the what the hell email. 

Okay so I don't word it like that, I'm a little nicer. I basically say that if he's just not that into me anymore, could he just tell me that. I get a response back of more work issues. No real answer to my question, just that. So I get another call later on in the week and I ask straight out, so like am I ever going to see you again? And he's like ya, when I get the work stuff straightened out. 

So today, I get word from a mutual friend that he says he's just not that into me. So ya jackass, I got your message, you could have told me your damn self. I can't stand guys that say, "Communication and honesty are really big things to me" and then pull this shit. Stop effing lying. I don't give two shits that he didn't want to date me, I'm more pissed that he couldn't tell me that. I'm so glad that I don't deserve that damn respect to my damn face. There is a text, phone call, email, or effing face book (well not anymore because I removed him from my friends) he could have told me and what's worse is I asked. 

Oh well, I don't have time for this shit. I have homework to do and a kid to feed and an audit to finish and all that other shit that I do with my life. Who needs one jerk that is going to waste my damn time. Besides I'm sure that there will be someone else that comes along, there always is.

First Day of School

So today was my spawn's first day of 2nd grade. She woke me up at 5:00 am with the great words "Mommy!! It's the first day of school, we have to get ready!!" Now I don't do 5 am without considerable prodding and coffee so I told her to go back to sleep.

45 minutes later.....

Spawn: "Mommy, is it time yet?"

JayLee: "No honey, it's only 545, you don't have to be at school till 8 and we don't get up till 630."

Spawn: "But Mommy, it's the first day, I don't want to be late."

JayLee: "You won't be now go back to sleep."

45 minutes later...

JayLee: "Now it's time to get up, you can watch cartoons while I take a shower."

Spawn: "No I'm going to get dressed."

By the time I got out of the shower, she was dressed and had her lunch half made. I was only in there for less then 15 minutes. She was at school at 8 am on the dot. She looked so grown up with her backpack and her lunch box, jumping out of the car and heading to class.

This afternoon when I picked her up from daycare she was full of tales about today. My baby is growing up. At least the most important thing to her this afternoon was to tell me about her day. I even made sure that I left work on time just so I could hear about it. Cause you know that is what it's all about anyway, being there to hear about the first day at school and pack the special things for lunch and to make sure that the all the right stuffed animals are tucked in with her at night.

The Explosion

Well about 11ish or so last night I get a call from Vader. Now really, to my way of thinking unless something is wrong you really shouldn't call that late but I guess no one taught him that. Because I wasn't right by my phone I didn't see it blink (I turn the ringer off when I go to bed)

It seems that he's finally been served the noticed that I filed child support and he wasn't happy about it (big surprise there) So he accused me of avoiding him, like this is such a hard thing to do if I wanted to, I mean really all I would have to do is go about daily life and there problem solved, he's avoided. Then he started in on things from back when we were together, now this is what I don't get about this part. We had this really big long many hour conversation when he got engaged and both agreed to leave all that stuff in the past and I've tried to stick to that, yet he keeps bringing it back up. So in the middle of him going on about how much he's been working and that is why he hasn't seen my spawn, and how he wasn't going to pay me because now he would have lawyer fees and would end up in jail and such, he says to me that I am making my spawn think badly of him and he always thought I was the most evil person alive.

WHAT!?!? I mean first off, I don't say bad things about him to my spawn, she sees what he does and has made her own opinions without any help from me. Second, because I am tired of dealing with him and his excuses on why he can't pay child support I went and did what we should have done in the beginning and just put it through the state I'm evil? Then he hits me with I put my self in this situation and I forced this on him.

In his mind, I got pregnant on purpose to trap him and there is nothing I can say that will make him think otherwise. I don't even try to fight that fight with him anymore, it's pointless. So off on that rant he goes and I just hung up. I wasn't going to try to fight a loosing battle not at what was then 1130 at night. I'm sure that I'll hear from him again and if not oh well, I guess I'll see him at the proceedings for the child support.

For now, I assume it's Game On.....I never wanted to play this game though.

Time marching on.

So tonight was orientation for my spawn's school. She's going into 2nd grade. I look at her sometimes and wonder when in the hell the last 7 and a half years went. It's hard for me to realize that some of the time just passed by almost without my noticing.

I find myself thinking about all the things that we've done and all the things that we have yet to do and praying that there is enough time to do them all. Isn't that always the way though? At least I find that it is with me, I'm always worried if I am enough, or have given enough or feel like I haven't given or done enough. I suppose that is part of being a parent.

For a while now, due to circumstances way beyond my control, I've felt like I haven't been a good parent. Then one of my friends (who doesn't happen to have kids) said to me, "Well JayLee, What is a good parent?" After I started describing, what in my opinion, was a good parent, I was hit with, "Well, duh, you do all that." And I realized that I did. I was always there when she woke up, I was there for field trips at school, I was there for the special holiday things that went on. I praised art work that I wasn't really sure what it was but it was supposed to be a house and a tree so that is what we saw, I have put aside homework of my own to help her with hers, I've stayed up until all hours decorating cupcakes for fall festivals because having "pumpkins and ghosts drawn on them were cool Mommy." I guess that at the end of the day it may never seem like it's enough until I'm sure that she's going to grow up okay and then I'll still worry.

I guess the thing that I have the hardest time with is not feeling responsible for the shortcomings of Vader (her father) As of today, He hasn't seen her for 3 months. It breaks my heart. She says she doesn't care, that she doesn't want to see him and I do believe her. But she sees other kids with their dads and she gets this look. The "that is what I'm missing" look. As hard as I try I can't make it go away, but I keep trying.

I guess that is all I can do, keep trying. Perhaps one day I will convince myself that it's enough. Maybe as she gets older she will think, as she thought today, that I am the best Mommy in the world and she loves me more then anything. I know that I love her more than anything and I wouldn't be who I am today without her.