The Wonders of Dating

Okay so as we all know I'm attempting to date. Attempting would be the oportative word. What is it with these guys anyway?

Here's the story, I'm talking to this guy right. Emails and on-line chats were good so we moved to a phone call. Here's where we crashed and burned. Now let me just put this disclaminer here: I'm pretty up front about my what my job is and my education goal. Since I'm in school and it takes time that could be spent with a potential boyfriend I feel I need to be.

So with that being said back to the converstation last night. It was going along well until he asked about school and I told him that I was working on my MBA. The responce I got was "Well, then you won't want anything to do with me because I only have a high school deploma." What!! I am not one of those people that judge. College isn't for everyone and I do not look down on people. The conversation went down hill after that and ended. But I mean there was no other place for it to go with him being all down on himself for not being "as educated as I am" and yes those were his words. He's right, at this point I don't want anything to do with him since he has such a low opinion of himself.

Okay well, onward. Ciao till next time luvs.

First Dates

Okay So I finally did it, six months after the life altering disaster that was the end of my relationship with who I thought was the love of my life (till they told me "They just didn't fall in love with me") I have finally jumped back into the scene again.

Wow I gotta tell you this is scary to be doing. First you have the normal dating sites that you hear about all over the TV and radio. Yes, ladies and gentleman, step right up!! Give us $50.00 a month and we will help you find true love. There is no refund if it doesn't work and there are no guarantees that you will find someone that you really like. Then there are some free sites that you have no clue are out there till you hear it from a friend of a friend who's sister tried it. In my case, it was part of my interweb family, So I signed up.

So tonight was the first date with one guy, lets call him, D1. There is more then one with the first initial D so they are labeled accordingly. I had fun with D1. He's funny, we have some things in common and he makes me laugh. He's a pretty good kisser too. Kinda caught me off guard with the first kiss, but that is okay, I sometimes like surprises. So I think that maybe we'll have a date II, we'll see if he text's me tomorrow.

Stay tuned, Ciao for now.

The End of the Story

So, I was sitting with my therapist the other day, trying to deal with everything I have to deal with. Working in mental health you get a great EAP plan. :) Anyway, I was telling my tale of woe about the breakup that shattered me (yes, there are the ones that hurt then there is the ONE that shatters you) She recommended that I write the end of the story. Pretend that it was a person in a book and just write it out however I wanted it to end, shoot him in the butt with a gun while chasing him nekkid down Main St, whatever just make it final and then start a new journal.

Okay, I thought to myself this should be easy. So I said to myself "Self, we're going to write a story and make it the end." This is easier said then done, I had done really well not talking to him till that point but I lost it and broke down. I talked to him. As Julia Roberts said to that sales clerk in Pretty Woman "Big Mistake, Hugh" It started okay, then got bad, then got worse, then the death blow. I think it would have been kinder for him to have just shot me and put me out of this misery.

So I started writing and that is where I am for now, writing.....hopefully there will be an end to that soon. I'll keep you posted. But you know, there is something theraputic about writing. Sometimes. Who knows,maybe all this drival can be cleaned up and put into a book. Anyway. That is what is and right now there is no more.

Till next time, Ciao ~J

When life starts looking like a MeatLoaf song

Okay, so I know. Who doesn't love MeatLoaf. I mean really, the man has made it through the test of music time and he rocks. He was also really good in Rocky Horror Picture Show (I love Eddie)

I've come to realize that he's got the song that resembles my life right now, kind of in the haunting Lauren Hill "Killing Me Softly" kind of way. Here's the scene, we're sitting in our office my co-minion and I, have the random cd's going (the Dungeon does not allow for radio signals to penetrate) and on comes MeatLoaf, now normally this makes me feel better. Who doesn't love some "Wasted Youth" or "Rocking Roll Dreams Come True" but alas it was "Two out of Three Ain't Bad"

It makes me sad really that this song reminds me of my life right now. I wonder sometimes if it's just something wrong with me. I've been in love twice, once gave me my daughter. My daughter's father and I had a bad break and because he was the type of person he was at the time he had to tell me that no one was ever going to fall in love with me. I guess it made him feel better for leaving me pregnant. The second time I thought I did everything right. I fell in love with one of my best friends, we had a lot in common, I thought it was working. It turned out to be an even worse break. Everything went wrong. I was left believing what I was told after the first time because what I was told this time was so much worse. There is nothing more destroying to one's self confidence when you are told that no matter how they tried you just weren't enough for them to fall in love with. So with the opinion of the first ex reinforced I was lost, unable to believe in anything.

So what do you do when you hit that wall? You're friends (God love them) tell you all sorts of carp, you're better off, he didn't deserve you, it wasn't time, there will be someone else, maybe you just need to work on you right now. All the carp you don't want to hear. You can't sink into a mind numbing oblivion and just hide under the covers or run away because there is responsibilities that are right there calling your name. Kid, job, Grad School.....life coldly and cruelly just marches on. Everyone (and I mean everyone including Ex #1) was supportive, and why wouldn't they be? They all think I'm wonderful but they're biased and well I used to pay them but with the economy...well ya know. Where do you go when you can't stand to be with yourself? How do you cope with that when all that runs through your mind is that the person you love couldn't love you. Couldn't and didn't become the same thing, well at least with the same result. Someone that you thought you knew becomes a jerk (spelled a@#hole) You loose yourself because you lost what you believed in. You start to question yourself, your friends, your place in this life. Everything starts spinning, faster and faster...so what do you do.

Well you find yourself a therapist and you try to work it all out. Then see what happens and maybe at the end of the day you can face yourself again.

Ciao

Starting this thing

Okay, So I really have no real reason for starting this. I'm bored, I'm heartbroken, I'm working on getting over it.

Here's what I want to know. What is it about guys that makes them think they have to lie at the end of a relationship? They hit you with the BS "I still want to be friends" They know it's BS, you know it's BS. You're so heartbroken that you want to believe it. But I mean really. Why can't they respect you enough to just be honest. The lying hurts more.

So what brings about this question of life....Well, I was dumped by my boyfriend 4ish months ago. It was a "nice" breakup complete with the phrase "I just didn't fall in love with you." Now really, if he was going to be that damn honest with me then why did the lying start right after. Then he hit me with the usual, "it's not you, it's me" and "I'm doing this to save our friendship so that you won't be out of my life completely and hate me" Um well, if that was the case then it really sucks to be him. Actions speak louder then words. Men!! Thank Goodness that all of them are not like that. I used to think that he was one of the good ones. It really hurts that I not only lost someone that I loved deeply but I also lost someone that was one of my closest friends for many years. Lesson in this, don't date your friends, no matter how much of a good idea it seems.

Actually I can't say that. The real lesson in this is communication. Alot of what went wrong was he didn't talk to me until HE decided to end it. I had no part in the decision, no opinion, no chance to anything. If you have to think about major things that effect your life and another's no matter how hard it is, talk to them about it.

So I'm now starting a new journey, I'm trying e-dating. I really suck at dating so I'm sure I'll have stuff to write about. Till next time.....

Ciao