So tonight was orientation for my spawn's school. She's going into 2nd grade. I look at her sometimes and wonder when in the hell the last 7 and a half years went. It's hard for me to realize that some of the time just passed by almost without my noticing.
I find myself thinking about all the things that we've done and all the things that we have yet to do and praying that there is enough time to do them all. Isn't that always the way though? At least I find that it is with me, I'm always worried if I am enough, or have given enough or feel like I haven't given or done enough. I suppose that is part of being a parent.
For a while now, due to circumstances way beyond my control, I've felt like I haven't been a good parent. Then one of my friends (who doesn't happen to have kids) said to me, "Well JayLee, What is a good parent?" After I started describing, what in my opinion, was a good parent, I was hit with, "Well, duh, you do all that." And I realized that I did. I was always there when she woke up, I was there for field trips at school, I was there for the special holiday things that went on. I praised art work that I wasn't really sure what it was but it was supposed to be a house and a tree so that is what we saw, I have put aside homework of my own to help her with hers, I've stayed up until all hours decorating cupcakes for fall festivals because having "pumpkins and ghosts drawn on them were cool Mommy." I guess that at the end of the day it may never seem like it's enough until I'm sure that she's going to grow up okay and then I'll still worry.
I guess the thing that I have the hardest time with is not feeling responsible for the shortcomings of Vader (her father) As of today, He hasn't seen her for 3 months. It breaks my heart. She says she doesn't care, that she doesn't want to see him and I do believe her. But she sees other kids with their dads and she gets this look. The "that is what I'm missing" look. As hard as I try I can't make it go away, but I keep trying.
I guess that is all I can do, keep trying. Perhaps one day I will convince myself that it's enough. Maybe as she gets older she will think, as she thought today, that I am the best Mommy in the world and she loves me more then anything. I know that I love her more than anything and I wouldn't be who I am today without her.
Jay Lee, it sounds like you are a great mother, so quit beating yourself up. I just want to throw out there that one of the best things I ever did for my son was to rock him at night for a few minutes when he was 6-7. He was having trouble, minor, at school, and the headmistress suggested it.
ReplyDeleteI didn't rock him to sleep, but I'd hold him and we'd talk. He shared a lot of little hurts and successes then--that he might have held inside. I kept it up until he was too big to hold, and I suggested that maybe he would have to start rocking me. His teachers all commented that they could see a change in him in just a couple of weeks.
Now, I'm not saying that you're having any problems, but I treasure those memories today. The other stuff will get done, and if you have to buy cookies/cupcakes from a bakery, the world will keep turning. J-Kat
Hi JayLee, I stumbled across your blog today, and saw this post and yeah it's heartbreaking. I thought maybe though that I could offer you a perspective from experience.
ReplyDeleteI'm both a stepdaughter and a stepmother with absentee and sporadic type birth moms in both situations. As a stepdaughter - I desperately wanted my birth mom to be A mom. One who could exist in the role, and do it right. It wasn't who she was, and even then on some level I was aware of it. Around 15 or 16 I stopped wanting her to be A mom much less MY mom.
As a stepmom - well, they became mine when they were 11 and 12 respectively. Remembering my own experience, I have always been careful to stress that they ARE my kids, but I am not trying to *replace* their mom, and I get that she's their mom and always will be. Recently the now 16 year old switched from wanting more with his mom to not even wanting to try and look her up when we went on a family vacation in an area near where she lives. The 14 year old accepts what he gets, but has no particular investment outside that she exists and remembers birthdays etc. It's been years of working through stuff, but where it stands right now is that they accept AND love me as A mom and THEIR maternal figure.
I'm guessing that your daughter falls into the same category. She wants A dad, she knows that it's missing from her life, but she doesn't want HER dad to be that dad. Heartbreaking, but real, and you're doing the best possible thing you can for her as a mom. Allowing her to come to her own version of the truth, without influence from you, and not denying what she knows is real. It's a tough one hon. *hugs*
Cat (aka animaniactoo)