I'm still here....

Okay, so the jist of the last almost year is this...

In February right before H's birthday I was hit by a truck. This is not a metaphor for anything, I think it was a Silveradro (or however you spell it) actually or maybe a F150 but it was a truck. The little dude that was driving said truck at 600 pm one fine Florida evening was, well he was drunk. Guess that's why he ran into me. So my whole "let's blog more often in the coming year" promise to myself that I made went the way of my left collar bone..broken.

Also in this time frame of being broke and battered by a truck (I know it's an often used phrase but until you've really been hit by a truck you have no idea and should really stop saying it, just sayin) I moved. Yes, after a 10 year relationship with my awesome rommies, we broke up. Now, as far as break ups go it was prolly one of the best ones yet. We're all still friends and such and no one hates anyone. It was just time to see what B and I could do with this and well for me to stop hiding behind the safety net of home.

It really had become a safety net and a trap for me. I didn't have to put too much out there ya know, I could just stay in my little shell (shy turtle) and use the convenient excuse "well I have roommates"  Yes, sneaky turtle too...So I moved, while broken...I recommend that about as much as I recommend getting hit by the truck (which, in case you missed it, is not at all)  and so far it's...well...I like that he's next to me each night.

Moving on-H is starting middle school...and as the war drums beat and the hormones start raging I'm scared to death. If any of you that actually read this have or have had middle schoolers and have any words of wisdom, please leave them below. In related new, H in her rather princess like way told Vader to kiss off. Apparently he pissed her off with his girlfriend's kids and now regardless of what I do/say/try will not see or speak to him. Not so oddly, she's been doing a lot better since. The great and wonderful wizard of child support finally caught up with Vader and is now excising their right to send me part of his check. He, however is trying to play it off like this is something he's doing willingly. Whatever helps you sleep at night dude...

Theater is still full of drama...okay that was lame, however in my last post I mentioned that I had done my first lead role. I was given the best actress award for it at the theater's annual awards show. My sweetie also directed his first show this season and also won for best director so I was uber proud.

You know how sometimes you run across things and you look back and you never saw yourself getting to where you are. That was kinda deep wasn't...I guess that's where I am. I didn't see myself a year ago, or even in September at the time of my last post, where I am now. Guess it just proves that you really never can tell what's going to happen. Till next time.

It's Still Crazy

So here we are again. I can't tell you when I last posted nor do you care. What matters is, I'm posting again. For some reason I have to do this from my phone because my pc is stupid...I tried to get to my blog and it said no...what an ass it's been lately...I'll try again tomorrow when I just might post again.
So, here's what's new...nothing. Oh wait, that's not true. I did a show. My first lead, Ken Ludwig's The Fox on the Fairway. I was Pamela. Very funny show, great cast and I got to be on stage with my honey again. What more can one ask for...well, getting paid would have been something more but alas this was community theater.

H is in 5th grade now and still dancing...it's her 3rd year. I just might get bold and post a picture. She's doing better since the Empire fell and Vader has returned somewhat to the good side of the Force...I wonder though if a Sith can ever really change his side of the Force. For now it's okay. He's even trying to pay his support like he's supposed to...How about that...The more time I spend with H and Vader the more I think about things...random things. Disclaimer: I am very happy with where I am and who I'm with. B is my person, there is no denying that. Vader and I wouldn't have made it if we had tried to stay together. (Think, "Don't cross the streams" bad)

But still...Have you ever gone back to where you were before and found that nothing's changed and that the same people are still there, doing the same things...to make the reason you just left still valid. I did that recently. Nothing dramatic, just back to a message board I used to post on. What I found was the same people, talking about the same things, in the same ways. No one really missed me. Most of them that I wanted to keep track of (or who wanted to keep track of me) were friends of mine on Facebook. But what I really discovered was that I didn't miss it, because along with all of the names I recognized was some of the names that I got tired of listening to, hence why I left.  I had heard that someone we used to post with had passed away and that made me sad, she was always nice to me on-line.

Some people say that you can't have real friends over the internet. I disagree. Yes, it is easier to lie to people. Easier to be mean to people and easier to have an over-inflated sense of self (I really feel like I should link to some you tube video here but I've got nothin) But for some, it's easier to be themselves. I guess that is what draws people to places like message boards and what can drive them from them...

So, we'll try this again tomorrow when hopefully my PC won't be a jerk...and maybe, just maybe you'll have read what I rambled about...

Redirection

I think it's time for some redirection here in my little blogworld. That sounds like some kind of freaky theme park doesn't it? Well as long as I don't have a homicidal clown (yes, I've been on the Simpsons ride too many times) we're good. So as I was saying, redirection. Right now, my poor blog is just kinda hanging out here with no where to go and nothing for you wonderful people to read. Hell, I don't even know if anyone is bothering to read anymore...

But, that's the point, I want you to read, to talk back even...Although I'm sure, just like with my kid, I should be careful what I ask for. So, we are going to change things up just a little. I should be going into this with some kind of plan but well...I can never stick to those. Kinda like a diet, I get bored. Speaking of diets, I'm not on one but I am using this great app on my phone to log what I eat. It's making me realize that I eat crap...Mission accomplished. I am however trying to change that so I'm sure you will be hearing about my craving for fried foods and my sudden interest in donuts.

So feel free to comment, although I don't think any of you are out there anymore (it would be great if you were)..,.No subject is off limits anymore, however names might be changes to protect the guilty, or just because I feel like it.

Oh I almost forgot, new blog I've found this week...told you I've been reading (and it's been more then just Hunger Games and Harry Potter) A Beautiful Mess Inside Go check this out, she's awesome.

Crossroads

So I find myself here again. After many months of not blogging because I forgot or I was tired or I just didn't effing want to. Whatever the reason, here I am...I feel like there should be some music here. Alas I have none..

So here we are, you who is reading the pointless words that I am writing. Perhaps, you like me, have gone searching for answers, and in some hopeful nature you think that you might find them with other bloggers...Well, there aren't any here. I have no answers. This bothers me on a daily basis that I don't and I'm not coming to terms with it in anyway, at all.

While I'm not coming to terms with stuff I've been reading...Advice columns, news papers, books, blogs..,.

I suggest heading over to  The Bloggess and reading her blog. Hey buy her book too, it will provide you with hours of endless humor.  

For books, I fell to peer pressure and read the Hunger Games, I even saw the movie (I know, my boyfriend and I did manage a date between shows and rehearsals, this does happen every few months) Little disappointed in the treatment of a couple of things in the movie but I think it had wonderful casting.

I've been watching a excessive amount of Food Network...Chopped is my show...to the point where the dear roomies have suggested I start a food blog...I'm mulling that over so stay tuned.

Back to the Bloggess again for a minute. Funny, true story. My roomie P was cackling quite loud one night...so I went to see what was that damn funny. Now usually it's some dumbass video on YouTube that he's watching but that night it was Copernicus, now I found this even funnier then he did, mostly because in my office at work I have a sign about Flying Monkeys and I have a Flying Monkey that it kinda like a slingshot that screams when you throw him. It kind of made my night so much that I had to show Copernicus to Spawn. Spawn in her 10 year old wisdom said "Gosh mom, he looks like he fell face first on the beach and it just stayed"

So advice columns, those can be a funny read. Sometimes you really have to wonder, just how messed up these peoples decision making skills are if they have to write in for some of this stuff. The comments are even better. It's like a open fourm in real time. Oddly enough, I know some of the commenters in real life so it enhances my entertainment value.

So I hope in some way if you're reading this you've at least smiled. If you haven't, I've given you a link to a blog where it is a guarantee and if not then I will see about borrowing Copernicus to give you a hug. :) The thought of that made me smile. So I'm going to figure out what to do with this dear blog, I'm open to suggestions...if anyone is still reading that is. let me know.

"The best revenge is a life well lived"

The actual quote by George Herbert is "Living well is the best revenge" but either way you get the general idea. I think that this is something important to remember since we just finished with the holiday season. It was said recently by my roomie K to a situation that was just pissing all of us off making us think not nice things during the season that we should only think nice things about others and it struck a cord with me.

As I said in a recent last post, I am having seething rage from hell "anger" issues regarding certain issues involving my ex, his lack of involvement in Spawn's life and his tendency to want to just ride in and "be a part of things" and a make decisions, all while not contributing to her care or upkeep. Sure he can just put up a few posts on Facebook and some old pictures and what...all of a sudden he gets the "Awesome Dad of the Year Award"?  So now, he's moved back...I think I mentioned that in my last post. He got made at me last week because Spawn has been refusing to talk to him and I haven't been picking up the phone. I only talk to him when I have something to say and right now I don't have anything to say. He's not helping with the expenses and that would really be all I have to say to him is when is he going to pay something more then $20...

I recently posted some pictures on my Facebook...I know, it's a big deal. Several of them however were of myself, Spawn and my sweetie. I think that bothered my ex. But I mean really, Spawn was in his wedding 4 years ago and in is wedding pictures. That didn't bother me. I would get Christmas card from him and his now soon to be ex wife before they were married signed "Merry Christmas from Ex, Ex's Girlfriend and Spawn" and still I said nothing. But let me put up a picture of myself, my sweetie and spawn and he thinks about taking down his Facebook.

Now really, I'm just venting. That's what my blog is here for. To get this all out, believe me, my journal...well both of them have pages of this, trying to direct my anger...this seething anger that I have because he thinks that we need to be happy he's finally graced us with his company once again. But I realized something. Overall, I'm happy. I'm in therapy to deal with the anger but when I don't think about it, I'm happy. So while I may be dealing with my unresolved rage at his actions, I'm the one that Spawn wants to go see things like Beauty and the Beast in 3D with and it's my sweetie that she asks for when we talk about going places.

At the end of the day, this is my life...for the most part, I really like it. The parts I don't...believe me...they will be changing. Because one of the things that I have learned over the last 10 years is that if you don't like where you are and what's going on in your life then do something about it. Oh and another thing I've learned is only you can determine your reaction to things. I am going to try to choose not to react. I'll let you know how that works. 

Holy Mother of God and all her crazy nephews...

Things have been happening lately that has made me say "WTF are you thinking!! shocked me. I can not share the all of the specific details just yet, but I will say that my carefully placed snow-globe was turned upside down, shaken (not stirred) and then plopped back down.

Okay, we'll start with the obvious in case those of you out there in blog land are worried, no I have not lost my job (thank goodness) I'm not getting married (although we are doing fine and our year anniversary was in Oct) and nothing has happened to Spawn.

There that about covers what hasn't happened. What has happened is going to be an adventure, although it's not mine to travel it has the potential to completely turn my world upside down. To put it mildly this is going to take a lot of therapy. I'm worried on the potential effect that this is going to have on Spawn. What I can tell you is that the Empire has return to the sector of the Galaxy. So far she's refusing to see Vader and somehow that's my fault. Pushing her to see him/talk to him causes negative reactions. I pushed her to talk to him both days this weekend and last night for the first time in a long time she wet the bed. Good thing we have therapy tomorrow....perhaps she can tell me how to move forward with this. This is so hard sometimes. When they have issues...well what are you going to do right?

I guess you just hold on and work to make it better because it really does get better.

Till next time... 

Getting back to me

So here we are, rapidly hurling toward the end of the year. Did you ever just wonder for a moment where the time went? I've asked myself that question several times this year. 


This year...wow, it's crazy to think that it's almost over. It's marked some real milestones in my life. I finished my MBA (YAY!!!) I turned 35. My sweetie and I celebrated our first year together. (Okay so that might not be that big but those of you that know me...you know one year with the same person is HUGH)  Let's here it for bad track records and actually learning from one's mistakes. 


I've also let go of a lot of complete burning hatred bad feelings toward Vader because I've come to realize that regardless of what I did, did not do, said or did not say...it made no difference. At the end of the day I was going to be the only one here footing the bill doing what needed to be done. 


Spawn is still mostly stable. It started to be touch and go because she saw Vader in October. The effect he has on her is negative and long lasting. I just don't know what to do and how to handle it sometimes. How do you tell someone that they are having a negative effect on your child and you wish they would just go away when you know that somewhere, somehow that person really is doing the best they can but it just isn't good enough? I'm still working on that one. It's sad though and it really breaks my heart. Spawn wants her dad but she wants what her idea of her dad should be and he doesn't live up to it. I get caught in the middle and it's no fun. 


But on the bright side, Christmas is in two weeks and I have almost all none of my shopping done. But I have ideas. Ideas are better then actually having shopping done, because shopping can be easy if you know what you're going for. I used to be the queen of Christmas Eve shopping before Spawn. 


Well that is all for now luvs, You know I can never stay away too long. Besides, we're going into 2012...there might be strange things afoot...till next time...Ciao!!!

Update...

Wow, it’s been about 6 months since I posted…

There has been so much that has happened in that time that I just got lost somewhere in living and forgot to come back and update. First let me congratulate MooNBeansMama on the pending arrival of Bean. I’m so happy for her. It’s always encouraging to see awesome things happen to good people. She’s due in Feb right before Spawn’s birthday. (Which is an awesome time to have a baby if I do say so myself)

Okay so on to the update… Spawn has finished 3 rd grade with honor roll of course. She did wonderfully well with her school work and passed the FCAT with a 4 in both subjects. For those of you that are not in Florida, the FCAT is this god awful test that has to be taken by the kids here. Everyone I know hates it and I know that my Spawn was so nervous before it that it was crazy. So in August we’re going to 4 th grade. She did AMAZING in dance and we’re going to be doing that again next season as well. There have been no more issues since we had her medication straightened out and there has been a noticeable decrease in anger outbursts in the last 6 months. That has at least given me a small break and we have been able to resume normal activities. Child support is still an issue, I talk to Vader from time to time and he was in town for Spawn’s dance recital. Maybe one day he’ll be able to make payments, till then I pay everything myself and get pissed about it…

Let’s see, for my update…January to May was the worst 16 weeks of my life but I GRADUATED!!!! Yes, you read that right, I finished my MBA!!! I meant to write a post right after graduation but I have been on a 2 month boycott of my computer. Going to school on-line does that to a person. The show I did at the theater I belong to had their award ceremony last month andi I won an award for the role that I portrayed. That show will always be special because I met my sweetie during it. Speaking of my sweetie; today is 9 months for us. I’m rather proud of myself that we’ve made it to 9 months and we still like each other. I’m just as crazy about him now as I was when I first met him…well that isn’t exactly true. I think I’m even crazier about him. I’m such a sap really… but I fell and I fell hard. Okay there I said it. I think that I am most amazed every day by the fact that he and Spawn get along so well. It’s wonderful to watch the two of them, and to spend time with both of them and not have to worry about always getting a sitter.

In other news, work’s still crazy but then hence the title of the blog. We are trying to do the best we can in an uncertain time in a state that is even more uncertain about funding for such services, but this is not the place to go into politics. We have been going completely crazy busy for the past few months with a new billing system and I have implemented a new auditing system. Every day I think “What in the name of hell were we thinking?” “This is going to get better…” I keep waiting and hoping and working for it.

Okay so that is the update, I promise it will not be 6 months till the next one. Thanks to Jeff Rivera at www.GatekeepersPost.com for the email yesterday. I appreciate your reading and your email reminded me that I need to get back to this.
Till next time Ciao

Back in a Snow Globe

So I haven't been posting much lately. It's not because there isn't much going on but because I am so far into burnout that I just can't put my thoughts into words. I'm having trouble focusing on things at work, the things I have to do for school, hell I have trouble going to the store with a list.

I keep telling myself that there is only a set number of weeks left, 13 at the time of this post, until I complete my MBA. I'm so burnt out that I can't even be happy about it. I have so many people telling me how proud I should be of myself, how hard it must have been to accomplish what I have and of course my personal favorite "I don't know how you do all that you do."  Well I don't either, I don't think about it most of the time because if I do then I will get depressed.

I feel at times like my life is a snow globe and just for giggles some one shakes it up to see what would happen. I can tell that I'm fighting to make it through... (le sigh)

Work is crazy as hell normal but busy as we try to improve things by going electronic. Why we thought this was better I don't know. But there it is. Oh well, on to the next week. My baby turns 9 this week, on Thurs. Can't wait. till then.

Two Days till Christmas

Or two sleeps till Christmas as my girl Moos Mamma say. I like how she puts it. Makes it sound more...I don't know exactly, just better. Right now, I'm on VACATION!!! Vacation from work and a break from school, YAY!! I so needed this time. Spawn and I are going to spend all next week together.

There hasn't been too much going on. Things with DiNozzo are amazing. He and Spawn get along and that is awesome. Things are fairly quite from the Empire, aside from not paying his child support. I guess because Spawn won't talk to him when he bother's to call he feels that he shouldn't obey a court order. Here's hoping that changes soon.

So here we are racing toward Christmas, all the cookies are baked, all the presents are almost bought and despite everything it's going to be an amazing Christmas. I get to spend it with my closest friends and family, my spawn and my sweetie.

What happened to Nov

Okay so as mentioned in the previous post, I did type a post in Nov and I really did think that I posted it. Um, yeah well that was about the time that all hell broke loose in mine and spawn's life so (shrugs) things happen.

Sometimes we look at things we go through and situations we're in and we mentally divorce ourselves from them. We're there but not really there. I had one of those hell bent, OMFG please tell me this is not happening in my life moments last month. As many of you that read this blog, and many of you that I read as well, know dealing with what we deal with on a daily basis with our children that have mental illness is in a word difficult. There is always the constant struggle to make sure that they are receiving the right services, the right care, the right everything. The keeping of ones temper when they are suddenly in a manic phase, the temper tantrums, the struggling to parent and get through to them when it seems like you can't reach them at all.

And I play both mom and dad. Thank god for my friends and my roomies that are wonderfully supportive, my boyfriend too. Coming into a situation like this is never easy, hell dating as a single parent is hard enough, when you add all this on top of it it's damn near impossible. But I digress, Okay here goes, Spawn had a bad med reaction and her first hospitalization, she was inpatient for almost a week. I think the hardest thing for me to come to grips with besides the fact that it was needed, was I work there.  Her meds are more stable now and while things are not perfect, they are at least better.

As I mentioned in previous posts, I had to go to court last month as well due to Vader not paying his child support. Well to make a long story short, he didn't show up, reported that he lived and worked in the state and then requested a phone conference for the hearing because of working out of state. The hearing officer was less then pleased. So if he gets caught doing anything then he will be arrested and there is a $1000 purge or 60 days in jail. He's called a few times however I am still under advisement from her therapist not to respond due to her reaction the last time and the fact that she gets angry every time he's mentioned. I offer her the chance to return his call. So far she hasn't taken it. I'm sure you're wondering why I just don't try to talk to him about all this. Well, he doesn't think I'm worth talking to, so I don't think he's worth picking up the phone for.

In other news, the show I was in went wonderfully. B and I are still doing good, it will be two months soon. I'm enjoying it and I believe he is too. He is greatly supportive and I needed that right now. Work is still insane, but well, that is to be expected.

So in the mean time, I'm going to keep hoping that Spawn's meds work, hope that Vader pays even a little of the support, hell I'd take just enough to pay for her dance lessons for a month, or even a week of day care. Something, anything to help. Between the meds, the dr's and the therapy co-pays I am getting eaten alive. According to the court order he's supposed to pay half of the co-pays for any visits. I haven't even bothered to ask since he won't pay anything toward the monthly that is due, I know  he wouldn't pay anything toward those.

Well onward to the holidays and I will not go so long in between posts.

Hell Week and everything that went with it....

Note: this post is way late due to complications in the month of Nov. I thought I hit post and didn't, so here is the post that should have happened on Nov 13.

So this week has been hell week. Basically what that means is that the show I'm in, Over the River and Through the Woods opened last night. So we've been running tech all week and wow...boy do I mean wow...anyone who has done community theater knows what I mean by that.

In other news, also this week I had a total of 3 external audits at work with one to get ready for and a holiday in the middle of the week for Veteran's Day (which also happens to be my birthday and dress rehearsal for our show) I'm not really sure I could have packed more into one week.

I've been under so much stress lately. With school, work, the show, continuing issues with Harmony...one of the few things that is going well right now is my relationship with DiNozzo. During the run of the show, actually in two days we'll make one month. I'm so proud of us. Well more as it happens.

Well..um...

Okay so I'm not sure what in the name of Zen happened. I think my life blew up....

There are problems with Spawn at school....every day I get a call to the school. It's so bad that the front office staff and I have a running joke about how long it's going to take me to leave my job and go to work there. None of the doctors can figure out what is really going on with her. I really hope that one day I can look back on this time and just be glad that we got through it.

We go back to court on Nov 17th for the child support. Vader is in contempt since he hasn't paid in 4 months and hasn't been in contact with them.

Things are going well with the new BF...I haven't figured out a name for him on here yet...I'm open to suggestions though as I do need to refer to him as something. He's been in the hospital this week. What a way to start a new relationship, "here go through a major illness with me and see if you can handle it" Got to love those unexpected things. But I'm crazy about him so, we'll see.

Other then that, work is crazy (see blog name for my take on that) and school is, well, I finished a semester and started a new one. Not including the semester I am in, I have two more classes. I'm almost there finally!!!!! I am 8 weeks till Christmas break and damn do I need it, I'm in the 3rd semester of a 3 semester haul....those are hard with a full time job and kid.

Well off to work with me, thanks for reading all. It means more to me then you'll ever know.

Oh for Goodness Sakes

Where in the name of Zen has the time gone?? Well I can tell you for one, I wish like hell it has been Zen but on the flip side things are starting to get a little better. Okay here is the less then a thousand words (I hope) update on what has been going on since we last talked.

Work: Let me just say this about working in mental health, it gives you a different outlook on life and the people that you encounter on a daily basis. You really do start to think of people as various degrees of crazy and judge then on their need for services. I do this all the time try not to do all the time, but sometimes it doesn't work. We're in the middle of a big shift at work and it's taking all of the spare brain cells that I have to deal with it.

School: Me-I have now applied for graduation. We're that close folks. YAY!!!!
Spawn-She is doing well, her progress report was A's & B's we'll be getting the report card soon so I'll update then. The behavioral issues that were present at the beginning of the year have calmed down some and things seem to be evening out.

General Life: Well, Spawn is going to dance and doing REALLY well at it. I'm so proud of my boo with with this. She had been asking for years to take lessons but now that I have taken the plunge and put her in I am determined to find a way to keep her there as long as she wants to keep doing it. As for me, I have gone back to the community theater. I've returned to the board of directors and I'm currently cast in the next show opening in Nov. As far as a personal life, things are looking up a little bit, I've met someone that I wasn't expecting and he's wonderful. I don't want to say too much about it yet because it's still bright and shiny, and I don't want to jinx it.

So that's it, I'm going to not go as long in between posts.

The Evil that Men Do....

Here we are at Sept 11 again. There was a time when this date meant nothing to the country, to the world. It was not a symbol. At best in my little corner of the Universe it was one of my friend's birthday. In 2001 someone made the decision that needed to change and like several other dates before it, Sept 11 is now burned into our minds.

When the towers fell so did more then just two buildings. For those of us that were watchings, that remember, will never forget what we were doing. I've often heard of people talk of when JFK was shot and what they were doing when they heard the news when he died or when the Space Shuttle Challenger exploded. I was only a child but I still remember being home sick from school and watching the launch on TV and seeing the shuttle blow up.

Sept 11, 2001 was completely normal. I was heading out to audit at one of our facilities in another city. During the 45 min drive I was listening to the local morning show banter when it changed. One of the hosts went silent, then started talking about "it looked like something out of a movie, but it was real" I had missed exactly what they were talking about. It wasn't until I got to my destination that I found out exactly what I had been listening to. Then it really hit me, one of my best friends had called me from the City the day before and said something about WTC, there was no getting through on the phones though. Later when the second tower fell I called my then boyfriend Vader to tell him what was happening, He had worked the night shift the day before and was sleeping most of the day. Because I was pregnant with Spawn at the time we sat there when I got home from work and watched the news footage. I recall asking him what kind of world we were bringing our child into.

Now all these years later, I'm still not sure

Random update

Wow I looked up and realized that it's been a couple of weeks since I posted. Time got away from me again. Here we are in the middle of Aug. Where in the hell has over half of the year gone? Spawn starts school in a week, she should be starting dance classes too. I expect that I will be receiving my schedule for that this week some time. We go to meet her new teacher on Thurs. and I get to go through the explaining all over again as to what the issues are and what needs to be done about them. Same school, new grade....I want to just direct them to the last year's teacher and tell them that she can explain it but (le sigh) I will do my mom thing. I think we'll bring it up with the therapist on Tues.

I have two weeks left in the class from hell. I'm still failing ever test, I get the assignments but when it comes to the tests I just get lost. It's the damn word problems. I just get confused by them. I wish they would give us the information in a real world format. It seems like school never really does that. Well in two weeks we're on to the next one.

I'll update on Thurs after we meet the new teacher. 3rd grade here we come.

When you have to say goodbye...

I work in the middle of a downtown. It's not a big downtown but it is a historic one. We're in the middle of the middle of Florida, if that makes any sense, close to the Mouse and his castle, near Mr Potter and is world of wizards, close enough to the world's most famous beach to go and far enough away that when the race fans, the bikers and the spring breakers roll in we don't have to be in the middle of it unless we want to.

Our downtown is like any other small town, there are a few shops, a cafe or two, a hair salon or three. Even a dive shop. Those of us that call it home 40+ hours a week have our favorite places. You all know the ones, where you can walk in not have to order because they know what you want.

Tomorrow I have to say goodbye to mine because they have to close their doors. No longer will my daily half and half tea be just across the street. For the last 3 years, I was able to call up and say "Hey, it's Jay-Lee, I'll have the usual and a half and half." and it would be ready by the time I walked over.

I'm going to miss them greatly...there will always be other places to get tea, there will never be another place like that though. They took the time to know their regular people, to know what was going on and share a piece of themselves. We're still hoping that someone might buy the place and keep the staff on, I love the owners and hate to see them leave. Our downtown won't be the same without them.

Blah

I'm feeling kind of blah today. I can't really explain why. I would guess it has something to do with the fact that I'm broke, that Vader hasn't paid his child support in two months, that Spawn's therapy and medication are taking every available dollar in my already stretched budget. Maybe that I can't take any time off or that the "Jerky Absent Father of the Year" Award would defiantly go to Vader. I feel like all I do anymore is go to work, run to therapy, do homework and attempt to deal with the melt downs.

I was "talking" to someone. I let myself believe that maybe there was a chance at something. There is always a undercurrent, there was that something, ya know.  Apparently, I'm too valuable as a friend for that chance to be taken. Now I value my friends greatly, but I always seem to end up here. I'm the best damn non-girlfriend ever. I always end up as the best friend and getting told that "I love you, but just as a friend." or "I just don't want to risk our friendship by trying to date." or my absolute favorite "You're a great friend but I just didn't fall in love with you."

So now I'm stuck in the house with Spawn, who wants to go to the pool, but she's grounded from it so I'm grounded from it too. Completely depressed and wondering why in the hell can't anyone decide that if I'm good enough to want to sleep with then dammit I'm good enough to want to date too.

I suppose that I should just give up on the dream that I will find someone that wants to be with me and be part of my life and let me be part of theirs. I mean really, what do I need that for? I have friends, I have work and school and....oh hell, I'm lonely and I'm tired and I'm just flat worn out from the fight every day of dealing with the constant battle with Spawn over even the little things. I keep hoping one day that crap hits the fan I won't be the only one standing here trying to hold it all together, but I always am.

"INCONCEIVABLE....You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means." The Princess Bride

The Princess Bride had a whole host of amazing quotes, the one above is just one of them. One of my favorites actually. I think that it fits with everything that has been going on since last week.  We changed Spawn's meds. She is now officially off of the morning med and so far it seems to have made a difference. She hasn't told me that she hates me in about 4 days.

We're still waiting on the psych eval to come back so we can even find out what the new recommendations are. Right now I have her only on one med and she started dance yesterday so that is occupying her mind. She's being wanting to take dance lessons for years so now that we finally can it's starting out to be a good thing.

So to the title of the blog, that one came to mind today because of some things that are going on with my life right now. Things I thought that I wouldn't have to go through, things I never dreamed that I would be facing. I'm not handling them very well.  Luckily I've had some very good friends help me along the way, they know who they are. I'm afraid I may not have been handling them very well either. For that I can only say I'm sorry and thank you. I will try to do better with both them and myself. Sooner or later this will pass and everything will work out the way it's supposed to.

Random Thoughts

"I want to ask "why" but there are no answers, I tried asking "what" but I couldn't find the right questions, I'm left with asking "how" and am hopeful that someone can help show me the way." JLF

I was feeling rather lost today when I wrote that. It started out as a profound thought that became my Facebook status, than I decided that I needed to blog about it. I was thinking about one of my friends, who like me is going through a time right now. Granted he doesn't have the same type of issues that I have with Spawn but when looking at our two situations side by side it's hard to tell which is worse, I actually think that they are about even in some parts. I listen, I try to lend my support, it breaks my heart that I can't do more to help him. I sometimes wonder if he realizes how amazing he really is as a dad, a person and a friend...thinking about that and him, I'm sure he does, I tell him often enough. It takes a special type of person to be a dad, and an even more special one to be a single dad, especially one that pulls it all off and manages to make it look easy. He always amazes me on so many levels and I am so glad that he is in my life.

So tomorrow I go to meet Spawn's dance teacher and see how much stuff I have to buy her for 4 weeks of class. Hopefully I will also get the fall prices so I can see how I'm going to afford this if this works. eh Summer sucks. Daycare rises and so do other expenses but the money coming in is the same. Oh course Vader is no where to be found and we don't want to find him either. As long as he sends what he needs to send to the State so they can send it to me I'm all good. I'll be able to afford Spawn's dance classes that way, and her therapy and meds without killing myself.

Speaking of therapy, we're going to try that again next week, hopefully she will not throw her shoes and the couch cushions at her therapist this time. As I always say, things will turn out like they are supposed to.

Till next time...