Things that make you go hmmm.......

Okay so as I detailed somewhat in a recent post, I broke. Since then I have gotten the gorilla glue out (It's better then super glue boys and girls) and started putting myself back together.

I used to like myself. I'm not sure I like where I am with myself right now but for the most part I suppose that I'm okay. My friends think I'm awesome. I think that they are biased and no I don't pay them but perhaps I should. Number 5467 on my "When I win the lotto list" is: Pay my friends for thinking I'm awesome. Kidding but seriously, my friends do think that I'm all these things that I just don't see. I guess it gets lost some where in just being me.

I'm spending alot of time just trying to maintain. Not really do anything more then that. I know right now that I'm really not going to be happy so I'm trying to just be okay. Does that even make sense? Everyone is running around trying to run in the race called life and it moves so fast. But what do we really do? Is anyone really happy or are they merely content with the way things are? What is happy? Trying to answer that question is almost as puzzling to me as trying to figure out why in the hell someone swears that they are done with something, say a group of people, yet that is what they blog about. It makes no sense to me. I guess it just gets chalked up to human nature. 

Human nature.......the thing that brings people together, that drives people apart. The words bring to mind the best and the worst that people have to offer. It's what makes people go on-line and become who they are not when away from the screen and keyboard. It's what allows for survival of the fittest or the luckiest whichever it happens to be. It allows for the little quirks that make us who we are. The things that make us individuals. I'm trying to reconnect with mine. Trying to refind what makes me, well, me. If anyone knows where I have disappeared to, then please let me know or send me back home, I really am looking for myself.

Until I really rediscover myself again I just run along my little path, kind of like a hamster in a wheel. And try to remember what it was like to be me before, when I was whole. Till then I'm a work in progress, but aren't we all?

When you look what do you see? Look into my eyes, can you really see me?

Is there anything left of this soul to be the person that I was meant to be? 

The heart shattered, the soul torn to shreds, hollow eyes gaze upon life with nothing but dread. 

Waiting for the light to show me the way, not realizing that it is my journey to stay.

Not to run but to repair, the heart, the soul that lay shredded there. 

Only then can you really see, when you look in my eyes you will see me. JLF

What Happens When You Give Up

Someone once told me that the best way to find what you are looking for is to stop looking for it. I had forgotten that for a while. But I gave up on something and it happened. Odd right.... Well moving on

So what happens when you find it again and now you don't know how you feel about it? Or you don't know what to do with it or if you even want to deal with it again? You stand there almost at a cross roads and just stare off into either direction and then what? Where is the divine guidance that we all hope for? Well it doesn't come. Or at least it didn't for me. But as I sat lost in my limbo of swirling certainty my roommate, God love him, tells me a joke about "ass cream on someone's face" This is supposed to make life better? Well oddly enough it somewhat did. How in the hell can you ponder serious life issues after hearing that? I love my roomies....

So now I'm at the point of do I pick up where I left off, do I make it into something new, do I walk away? I guess we'll see. How do you really measure a year anyway?

Till then, no day but today right.....

The End of the Story

So, I was sitting with my therapist the other day, trying to deal with everything I have to deal with. Working in mental health you get a great EAP plan. :) Anyway, I was telling my tale of woe about the breakup that shattered me (yes, there are the ones that hurt then there is the ONE that shatters you) She recommended that I write the end of the story. Pretend that it was a person in a book and just write it out however I wanted it to end, shoot him in the butt with a gun while chasing him nekkid down Main St, whatever just make it final and then start a new journal.

Okay, I thought to myself this should be easy. So I said to myself "Self, we're going to write a story and make it the end." This is easier said then done, I had done really well not talking to him till that point but I lost it and broke down. I talked to him. As Julia Roberts said to that sales clerk in Pretty Woman "Big Mistake, Hugh" It started okay, then got bad, then got worse, then the death blow. I think it would have been kinder for him to have just shot me and put me out of this misery.

So I started writing and that is where I am for now, writing.....hopefully there will be an end to that soon. I'll keep you posted. But you know, there is something theraputic about writing. Sometimes. Who knows,maybe all this drival can be cleaned up and put into a book. Anyway. That is what is and right now there is no more.

Till next time, Ciao ~J