Change of Direction

Wow two posts in as many days, I guess when I come back I come back...

Okay so for those of you that have read from the beginning, I thank you. For those I have picked up along the way, I am so glad you're here. When I started this blog, I was trying to come to terms with my life. I had just had a really bad break up, my poor Spawn was so out of control it wasn't funny (Actually Taz looked more in control at the time) and now here we are two and a half years later I think that I am pretty much back in control of where I need to be.

My Spawn is more in control and she and I have learned to deal with each other and the challenges that we are facing better, I have an amazing relationship (I am so glad I got hijacked into that audition back in Sept of last year)  the MBA is finished and I am trying to figure out what to do now. So things have evened out.

Which leaves me with my blog, I don't really know what to write about. I mean I can write about the dance classes that Spawn goes to, the challenges of a serious relationship when one of you is a single parent and both of you are always running to shows and auditions for community theater. I can write about community theather, where the drama is not always just on the stage. But would you want to read about it.

I hope that you will, for this is where I am and since I know that those of you that have been reading have been a wonderful source of support for me, hopefully I have in some small way done something for you as well. I look forward to the next stage of the journey and hope that you all still go with me.

By the way, have any of you ever taught a cat to fetch? Mine seems to have started.

Blah

I'm feeling kind of blah today. I can't really explain why. I would guess it has something to do with the fact that I'm broke, that Vader hasn't paid his child support in two months, that Spawn's therapy and medication are taking every available dollar in my already stretched budget. Maybe that I can't take any time off or that the "Jerky Absent Father of the Year" Award would defiantly go to Vader. I feel like all I do anymore is go to work, run to therapy, do homework and attempt to deal with the melt downs.

I was "talking" to someone. I let myself believe that maybe there was a chance at something. There is always a undercurrent, there was that something, ya know.  Apparently, I'm too valuable as a friend for that chance to be taken. Now I value my friends greatly, but I always seem to end up here. I'm the best damn non-girlfriend ever. I always end up as the best friend and getting told that "I love you, but just as a friend." or "I just don't want to risk our friendship by trying to date." or my absolute favorite "You're a great friend but I just didn't fall in love with you."

So now I'm stuck in the house with Spawn, who wants to go to the pool, but she's grounded from it so I'm grounded from it too. Completely depressed and wondering why in the hell can't anyone decide that if I'm good enough to want to sleep with then dammit I'm good enough to want to date too.

I suppose that I should just give up on the dream that I will find someone that wants to be with me and be part of my life and let me be part of theirs. I mean really, what do I need that for? I have friends, I have work and school and....oh hell, I'm lonely and I'm tired and I'm just flat worn out from the fight every day of dealing with the constant battle with Spawn over even the little things. I keep hoping one day that crap hits the fan I won't be the only one standing here trying to hold it all together, but I always am.

OMFG

Okay someone please explain to me why people suck so damn bad?? So here we go. If asked a direct question, you would expect a direct answer right? Oh hell to the no, that would be too effing much like right. 

So, this guy started talking to me, and everything was okay for a time. We had a date and it seemed okay. So ya know I'm thinking that maybe this might go to a second date. Oh holy shit I thought about a second date, effing sue my dumb ass. So he goes from massive communication to none....okay, this is strange. So I ask, is there a reason we're not talking. I get the work excuse. "I've been really busy at work." I get how that can be so ya know. I don't think too much of it. We talk a few times, exchange a few texts, and I'm thinking ya know I should ask like what is going on. So I send the what the hell email. 

Okay so I don't word it like that, I'm a little nicer. I basically say that if he's just not that into me anymore, could he just tell me that. I get a response back of more work issues. No real answer to my question, just that. So I get another call later on in the week and I ask straight out, so like am I ever going to see you again? And he's like ya, when I get the work stuff straightened out. 

So today, I get word from a mutual friend that he says he's just not that into me. So ya jackass, I got your message, you could have told me your damn self. I can't stand guys that say, "Communication and honesty are really big things to me" and then pull this shit. Stop effing lying. I don't give two shits that he didn't want to date me, I'm more pissed that he couldn't tell me that. I'm so glad that I don't deserve that damn respect to my damn face. There is a text, phone call, email, or effing face book (well not anymore because I removed him from my friends) he could have told me and what's worse is I asked. 

Oh well, I don't have time for this shit. I have homework to do and a kid to feed and an audit to finish and all that other shit that I do with my life. Who needs one jerk that is going to waste my damn time. Besides I'm sure that there will be someone else that comes along, there always is.

And just when I thought life was getting back to normal...

So I'm trying to become a firm believer in "everything happens for a reason" Sometimes I can see the reason, sometimes, more often then not really, I have no fucking clue as to what the possible reason could be.

This happens in my life, my work, you name it. True story, I started talking to a guy. I thought he was a really cool guy. We had an awesome "first date" I guess you would call it. Well, it was awesome to me, he seemed to agree with me or so he said. So awesome first date. Happen to be seen by one of my co-workers, who later asked me about it. So I dished some vague details, name, just started talking. Nothing major. Co-worker in turn told someone else, normally not a big deal but they called me on it like a week later. Okay so whatever, I mean really I'm friends with this person too. So during the course of conversation it comes out that the guy is on my Face Book. Now, I have almost 200 people on my Face Book, I mean really, ya know. But my "friend" says "Maybe I should go and friend request him." To which I replied "No, don't do that." You would think that if someone was your friend they would listen to you. But she did it anyway and when I called her on it the reply was "I just couldn't help myself."

So this happens to coincide with apparently things going crazy where he works and communication between him and I falling off. So needless to say I was in a word, confused. And in another word, pissed. Confused, because I couldn't figure out why he wasn't talking to me so I asked. Pissed because my "friend" did something that I asked her not to do and what I saw as a violation of the girl code.

So now I'm lost, I have to try to express my feelings to my "friend" in a manner that will be understood. I really need a way to get my point across without having to slap her with a clue bat and ask what in the hell she was thinking. I mean I guess she was trying to be helpful but really, I didn't want the help.

And on the other hand I have to figure out if the guy I was "talking" to is being straight with me about why we haven't been talking. I mean I really don't want to jump to conclusions and I don't want to come off sounding like a jealous idiot since I mean really it's only been one date and a few conversations. I would rather just talk to him and say like so, do we still have something here or is what we thought we had over. So in that respect I'm just kinda waiting. I mean, I hope he's mature enough at his age that if he's just not that into me anymore he would just say that.

At the end of the day whatcha gonna do right?

Holy Hell!! What a Week

Okay so this has been a shitty week, well it's been a shitty year so far so why should I be surprised that this week is been bad right? Then one of my besties sent me this quote"if you are going through hell, keep going...." and it has now made my day since I am currently making my way through hell and I think I'll pass the next rest stop in search of my exit.

I think that is why I have the friends that I do, they know what to say and when to say it. Right now with all the shit that I have to deal with they know what to say. I have more on my plate then should be there, you would think that with taking a semester off of school things would slow down slightly now however, I should have known better. It is after all my life.

Then there is the bullshit that I have to deal with from the one that offers lies when they are not asked for. I like that actually. It's kinda funny really, you enter into a conversation, don't ask certain questions because you know that the answers would be lies and then they get offered to you anyway. How fucking cool is that, I ask you? At the end you're left with just the bullshit that you've been handed and nothing else to do but laugh your ass off and have another drink.

Ciao luvs

The Wonders of Dating

Okay so as we all know I'm attempting to date. Attempting would be the oportative word. What is it with these guys anyway?

Here's the story, I'm talking to this guy right. Emails and on-line chats were good so we moved to a phone call. Here's where we crashed and burned. Now let me just put this disclaminer here: I'm pretty up front about my what my job is and my education goal. Since I'm in school and it takes time that could be spent with a potential boyfriend I feel I need to be.

So with that being said back to the converstation last night. It was going along well until he asked about school and I told him that I was working on my MBA. The responce I got was "Well, then you won't want anything to do with me because I only have a high school deploma." What!! I am not one of those people that judge. College isn't for everyone and I do not look down on people. The conversation went down hill after that and ended. But I mean there was no other place for it to go with him being all down on himself for not being "as educated as I am" and yes those were his words. He's right, at this point I don't want anything to do with him since he has such a low opinion of himself.

Okay well, onward. Ciao till next time luvs.

First Dates

Okay So I finally did it, six months after the life altering disaster that was the end of my relationship with who I thought was the love of my life (till they told me "They just didn't fall in love with me") I have finally jumped back into the scene again.

Wow I gotta tell you this is scary to be doing. First you have the normal dating sites that you hear about all over the TV and radio. Yes, ladies and gentleman, step right up!! Give us $50.00 a month and we will help you find true love. There is no refund if it doesn't work and there are no guarantees that you will find someone that you really like. Then there are some free sites that you have no clue are out there till you hear it from a friend of a friend who's sister tried it. In my case, it was part of my interweb family, So I signed up.

So tonight was the first date with one guy, lets call him, D1. There is more then one with the first initial D so they are labeled accordingly. I had fun with D1. He's funny, we have some things in common and he makes me laugh. He's a pretty good kisser too. Kinda caught me off guard with the first kiss, but that is okay, I sometimes like surprises. So I think that maybe we'll have a date II, we'll see if he text's me tomorrow.

Stay tuned, Ciao for now.

When life starts looking like a MeatLoaf song

Okay, so I know. Who doesn't love MeatLoaf. I mean really, the man has made it through the test of music time and he rocks. He was also really good in Rocky Horror Picture Show (I love Eddie)

I've come to realize that he's got the song that resembles my life right now, kind of in the haunting Lauren Hill "Killing Me Softly" kind of way. Here's the scene, we're sitting in our office my co-minion and I, have the random cd's going (the Dungeon does not allow for radio signals to penetrate) and on comes MeatLoaf, now normally this makes me feel better. Who doesn't love some "Wasted Youth" or "Rocking Roll Dreams Come True" but alas it was "Two out of Three Ain't Bad"

It makes me sad really that this song reminds me of my life right now. I wonder sometimes if it's just something wrong with me. I've been in love twice, once gave me my daughter. My daughter's father and I had a bad break and because he was the type of person he was at the time he had to tell me that no one was ever going to fall in love with me. I guess it made him feel better for leaving me pregnant. The second time I thought I did everything right. I fell in love with one of my best friends, we had a lot in common, I thought it was working. It turned out to be an even worse break. Everything went wrong. I was left believing what I was told after the first time because what I was told this time was so much worse. There is nothing more destroying to one's self confidence when you are told that no matter how they tried you just weren't enough for them to fall in love with. So with the opinion of the first ex reinforced I was lost, unable to believe in anything.

So what do you do when you hit that wall? You're friends (God love them) tell you all sorts of carp, you're better off, he didn't deserve you, it wasn't time, there will be someone else, maybe you just need to work on you right now. All the carp you don't want to hear. You can't sink into a mind numbing oblivion and just hide under the covers or run away because there is responsibilities that are right there calling your name. Kid, job, Grad School.....life coldly and cruelly just marches on. Everyone (and I mean everyone including Ex #1) was supportive, and why wouldn't they be? They all think I'm wonderful but they're biased and well I used to pay them but with the economy...well ya know. Where do you go when you can't stand to be with yourself? How do you cope with that when all that runs through your mind is that the person you love couldn't love you. Couldn't and didn't become the same thing, well at least with the same result. Someone that you thought you knew becomes a jerk (spelled a@#hole) You loose yourself because you lost what you believed in. You start to question yourself, your friends, your place in this life. Everything starts spinning, faster and faster...so what do you do.

Well you find yourself a therapist and you try to work it all out. Then see what happens and maybe at the end of the day you can face yourself again.

Ciao

Starting this thing

Okay, So I really have no real reason for starting this. I'm bored, I'm heartbroken, I'm working on getting over it.

Here's what I want to know. What is it about guys that makes them think they have to lie at the end of a relationship? They hit you with the BS "I still want to be friends" They know it's BS, you know it's BS. You're so heartbroken that you want to believe it. But I mean really. Why can't they respect you enough to just be honest. The lying hurts more.

So what brings about this question of life....Well, I was dumped by my boyfriend 4ish months ago. It was a "nice" breakup complete with the phrase "I just didn't fall in love with you." Now really, if he was going to be that damn honest with me then why did the lying start right after. Then he hit me with the usual, "it's not you, it's me" and "I'm doing this to save our friendship so that you won't be out of my life completely and hate me" Um well, if that was the case then it really sucks to be him. Actions speak louder then words. Men!! Thank Goodness that all of them are not like that. I used to think that he was one of the good ones. It really hurts that I not only lost someone that I loved deeply but I also lost someone that was one of my closest friends for many years. Lesson in this, don't date your friends, no matter how much of a good idea it seems.

Actually I can't say that. The real lesson in this is communication. Alot of what went wrong was he didn't talk to me until HE decided to end it. I had no part in the decision, no opinion, no chance to anything. If you have to think about major things that effect your life and another's no matter how hard it is, talk to them about it.

So I'm now starting a new journey, I'm trying e-dating. I really suck at dating so I'm sure I'll have stuff to write about. Till next time.....

Ciao