Getting back to me

So here we are, rapidly hurling toward the end of the year. Did you ever just wonder for a moment where the time went? I've asked myself that question several times this year. 


This year...wow, it's crazy to think that it's almost over. It's marked some real milestones in my life. I finished my MBA (YAY!!!) I turned 35. My sweetie and I celebrated our first year together. (Okay so that might not be that big but those of you that know me...you know one year with the same person is HUGH)  Let's here it for bad track records and actually learning from one's mistakes. 


I've also let go of a lot of complete burning hatred bad feelings toward Vader because I've come to realize that regardless of what I did, did not do, said or did not say...it made no difference. At the end of the day I was going to be the only one here footing the bill doing what needed to be done. 


Spawn is still mostly stable. It started to be touch and go because she saw Vader in October. The effect he has on her is negative and long lasting. I just don't know what to do and how to handle it sometimes. How do you tell someone that they are having a negative effect on your child and you wish they would just go away when you know that somewhere, somehow that person really is doing the best they can but it just isn't good enough? I'm still working on that one. It's sad though and it really breaks my heart. Spawn wants her dad but she wants what her idea of her dad should be and he doesn't live up to it. I get caught in the middle and it's no fun. 


But on the bright side, Christmas is in two weeks and I have almost all none of my shopping done. But I have ideas. Ideas are better then actually having shopping done, because shopping can be easy if you know what you're going for. I used to be the queen of Christmas Eve shopping before Spawn. 


Well that is all for now luvs, You know I can never stay away too long. Besides, we're going into 2012...there might be strange things afoot...till next time...Ciao!!!

Hell Week and everything that went with it....

Note: this post is way late due to complications in the month of Nov. I thought I hit post and didn't, so here is the post that should have happened on Nov 13.

So this week has been hell week. Basically what that means is that the show I'm in, Over the River and Through the Woods opened last night. So we've been running tech all week and wow...boy do I mean wow...anyone who has done community theater knows what I mean by that.

In other news, also this week I had a total of 3 external audits at work with one to get ready for and a holiday in the middle of the week for Veteran's Day (which also happens to be my birthday and dress rehearsal for our show) I'm not really sure I could have packed more into one week.

I've been under so much stress lately. With school, work, the show, continuing issues with Harmony...one of the few things that is going well right now is my relationship with DiNozzo. During the run of the show, actually in two days we'll make one month. I'm so proud of us. Well more as it happens.

Oh for Goodness Sakes

Where in the name of Zen has the time gone?? Well I can tell you for one, I wish like hell it has been Zen but on the flip side things are starting to get a little better. Okay here is the less then a thousand words (I hope) update on what has been going on since we last talked.

Work: Let me just say this about working in mental health, it gives you a different outlook on life and the people that you encounter on a daily basis. You really do start to think of people as various degrees of crazy and judge then on their need for services. I do this all the time try not to do all the time, but sometimes it doesn't work. We're in the middle of a big shift at work and it's taking all of the spare brain cells that I have to deal with it.

School: Me-I have now applied for graduation. We're that close folks. YAY!!!!
Spawn-She is doing well, her progress report was A's & B's we'll be getting the report card soon so I'll update then. The behavioral issues that were present at the beginning of the year have calmed down some and things seem to be evening out.

General Life: Well, Spawn is going to dance and doing REALLY well at it. I'm so proud of my boo with with this. She had been asking for years to take lessons but now that I have taken the plunge and put her in I am determined to find a way to keep her there as long as she wants to keep doing it. As for me, I have gone back to the community theater. I've returned to the board of directors and I'm currently cast in the next show opening in Nov. As far as a personal life, things are looking up a little bit, I've met someone that I wasn't expecting and he's wonderful. I don't want to say too much about it yet because it's still bright and shiny, and I don't want to jinx it.

So that's it, I'm going to not go as long in between posts.

Sometimes it just is.....

So I was able to see the last Broadway tour of Rent in Tampa. It was bittersweet at most. Kind of an ending that I wasn't ready for. It started me thinking about other things that have ended recently that I wasn't ready for them to end.

At the beginning of this year I started out with such hope. Things weren't good but I had hoped that they were going to work out. That was killed pretty quick by a break-up, problems with my daughter and as a result several months of being completely lost and depressed. So I went to therapy. Some of my friends think that therapy can fix everything (most of them are therapists themselves) and they are mostly right. I was hoping against hope that therapy would fix this, make it better, make it end. What it did do was make it easier to live with and to hide.

I still get up everyday, I still work, I still laugh, I still move....but the world around me is less bright. You would think after 7 months there would be some improvement, some mending to my heart but no. My heart still aches at empty place that was left in my life. Some things have gotten better, that part hasn't. I've stopped trying to get over it, move past it, or whatever it is that people do. I've stopped trying not to be in love with him anymore because it's not working for me. I'm working on just accepting what I have right now which is my daughter, my friends, work, school and not much else and when I'm alone at night I dream and remember....

At least the world hasn't lost all of it's color, just the sparkle that made it more interesting. At best the core that makes everything worth it is still there. Where does someone go from here? It's not standing still, it's not really moving forward but it's not going back either. To scared to feel because it hurts so bad and to scared not too because if I become too numb then I disappear. What a place to be, my very own purgatory...I always was a really bad catholic.

A friend of mine recently said that she firmly believed that it's better to have loved and lost then to never have loved at all. I really do agree with her. I can honestly say that I only thought that I knew what it was like to be in love before this. This is the real thing. Since it is and there is nothing I can do about it, the only thing to do is try to be as happy as I can be with what I do have left and cherish the memories that I was allowed to make and hope that one day maybe...

Well you know...I was always a sucker for romance novels and a happy ending eventually.

Holy Hell!! What a Week

Okay so this has been a shitty week, well it's been a shitty year so far so why should I be surprised that this week is been bad right? Then one of my besties sent me this quote"if you are going through hell, keep going...." and it has now made my day since I am currently making my way through hell and I think I'll pass the next rest stop in search of my exit.

I think that is why I have the friends that I do, they know what to say and when to say it. Right now with all the shit that I have to deal with they know what to say. I have more on my plate then should be there, you would think that with taking a semester off of school things would slow down slightly now however, I should have known better. It is after all my life.

Then there is the bullshit that I have to deal with from the one that offers lies when they are not asked for. I like that actually. It's kinda funny really, you enter into a conversation, don't ask certain questions because you know that the answers would be lies and then they get offered to you anyway. How fucking cool is that, I ask you? At the end you're left with just the bullshit that you've been handed and nothing else to do but laugh your ass off and have another drink.

Ciao luvs

The End of the Story

So, I was sitting with my therapist the other day, trying to deal with everything I have to deal with. Working in mental health you get a great EAP plan. :) Anyway, I was telling my tale of woe about the breakup that shattered me (yes, there are the ones that hurt then there is the ONE that shatters you) She recommended that I write the end of the story. Pretend that it was a person in a book and just write it out however I wanted it to end, shoot him in the butt with a gun while chasing him nekkid down Main St, whatever just make it final and then start a new journal.

Okay, I thought to myself this should be easy. So I said to myself "Self, we're going to write a story and make it the end." This is easier said then done, I had done really well not talking to him till that point but I lost it and broke down. I talked to him. As Julia Roberts said to that sales clerk in Pretty Woman "Big Mistake, Hugh" It started okay, then got bad, then got worse, then the death blow. I think it would have been kinder for him to have just shot me and put me out of this misery.

So I started writing and that is where I am for now, writing.....hopefully there will be an end to that soon. I'll keep you posted. But you know, there is something theraputic about writing. Sometimes. Who knows,maybe all this drival can be cleaned up and put into a book. Anyway. That is what is and right now there is no more.

Till next time, Ciao ~J