Blah

I'm feeling kind of blah today. I can't really explain why. I would guess it has something to do with the fact that I'm broke, that Vader hasn't paid his child support in two months, that Spawn's therapy and medication are taking every available dollar in my already stretched budget. Maybe that I can't take any time off or that the "Jerky Absent Father of the Year" Award would defiantly go to Vader. I feel like all I do anymore is go to work, run to therapy, do homework and attempt to deal with the melt downs.

I was "talking" to someone. I let myself believe that maybe there was a chance at something. There is always a undercurrent, there was that something, ya know.  Apparently, I'm too valuable as a friend for that chance to be taken. Now I value my friends greatly, but I always seem to end up here. I'm the best damn non-girlfriend ever. I always end up as the best friend and getting told that "I love you, but just as a friend." or "I just don't want to risk our friendship by trying to date." or my absolute favorite "You're a great friend but I just didn't fall in love with you."

So now I'm stuck in the house with Spawn, who wants to go to the pool, but she's grounded from it so I'm grounded from it too. Completely depressed and wondering why in the hell can't anyone decide that if I'm good enough to want to sleep with then dammit I'm good enough to want to date too.

I suppose that I should just give up on the dream that I will find someone that wants to be with me and be part of my life and let me be part of theirs. I mean really, what do I need that for? I have friends, I have work and school and....oh hell, I'm lonely and I'm tired and I'm just flat worn out from the fight every day of dealing with the constant battle with Spawn over even the little things. I keep hoping one day that crap hits the fan I won't be the only one standing here trying to hold it all together, but I always am.